Bpd

For my friends who ask me what it’s like having borderline personality disorder, it’s like bi-polar on a roller coaster with a splash of crack and sedatives, in a maze all at once. I literally had and have to relearn everything! How I think, How I see, how I feel. How I react, when I react, if I even should. Learn proper social behavior, learning to correctly identify emotions and myself. Of course then you also have to unlearn so much, heal and sort through so much suppressed trauma that you probably thought was just normal life. You have to forgive yourself most likely for so much reckless, self-destructive/mutual-destructive and impulsive behavior. You have to forgive others, including the ones who may be the cause of your disorder as well. So be kind to your friends with any mental illness, there is a battle raging in most of our minds 24/7 that many could never understand nor care to even try to unfortunately. It may also affect them physically. Then if you’re like me and have quite a few co inhabiting disorders as well, it’s really a huge WTF. I never know how to explain it well so hopefully this helps. Also multi- or (DID) personality disorder is something completely different, no I don’t have different personas in my head, just different traits on a loop. So no I’m not just “crazy”, I am managing and on a journey of life long recovery with mental illness. Also I never excuse my actions when I’m going through a series of symptomatic behavior, I simply apologize, hold myself accountable, and learn from it to be better / behave better in the future. I’ve played victim a lot in my life until I decided to study my disorder and put in the work to understand myself, my mind, and my behaviors better. Taking care of my mental health has helped me take care of my physical health, as well overcome my unhealthy addictions. They all go hand in hand for me, and equally benefit each other or destroy each other based on my choices. I can honestly say I am at the healthiest I’ve ever been in my life, and am continuing to grow. Don’t lose hope, because happiness is possible, your goals are achievable. It all comes down to how much effort you’re willing to put in, your consistency, and dedication. The best thing I have ever done for myself is love myself, care for myself, and believe in myself. I encourage you to do the same no matter what demons you may battle. I wish you success on your journey. To those who read this, I challenge you to be pro-active with your health this year, and encourage/support your loved ones to do the same.

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I’m not okay

Tonight the monsters in my head
Are screaming so damn loud
But I built walls so high
So they never even make a sound

It’s a mask, it’s a lie
It’s the only home I’ve ever known
‘Cause being who I really am
Has only left me more alone

I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
The reason I keep quiet
With so much at stake
I always feel like a burden, let it silence me
You’ll never understand
Why it’s so hard to say
I’m not okay

I wish I had a scar
Had a bruise on the surface, any kind of proof
That everything I feel is more than just some sad excuse

My life’s invisible abuse
I’m either judged or have to hide
The only symptom you can see
Is I don’t wanna be alive

I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
The reason I keep quiet
With so much at stake
I always feel like a burden, let it silence me
You’ll never understand
Why it’s so hard to say

I’ll never have the words, I can’t explain this hell
But what if it kills me
If I keep it to myself?
To myself

I am not okay
And I need you to see it
I have so much to say
And no one to hear it
I am not okay
I am not okay
I’m never safe
It’s not a phase
If I finally break
Would you still stay?

Tonight the monsters in my head
Are screaming so damn loud

Last educational information

What is the last thing you learned?

Some really are real people but not many but fuckinnngg need to get tf out of hell

Oh yeah?

So you want to get to know me?

Can you handle intense? No volume. What about depth? Can you keep from drowning? What about weight? Can you handle the weight of my life?

Now let’s add my ptsd. My emotions that comes withvl me opening up to someone once again when no one ever cared before? Should I waste my energy? Are you that patient?

Can you handle that kind of energy?

What about the uneasy feeling of speaking on something so many times and only received no response or negative devaluing feedback? Do you have all that patience?

I come direct so you can’t take me sideways. I don’t exaggerate, pretend, or play. My life isn’t glamorous; so I definitely am not lying. You can’t make this shit up. And who would? If I wanted to lie about my life I would make it sound good not like hell.

I never speak or write for pity or play victim because I’m both victim and survivor. I have nothing to hide, if you want to know just ask, ease.

That part

I don’t waste my time and energy on someone who doesn’t 1 listen to me 2 cut me off every time I speak 3 don’t hear me 4 pay attention and finally changes the subject every time I talk.

You won’t figure me out by watching me or studying me. Nothing. I’m still figuring me out and if you don’t know the stories behind my detachment, ptsd, addiction; you wouldn’t understand how I move or interact.

I have nothing to prove to anyone but if you would actually listen to me you would see in time what I say to be proven so.

And I’m out🥸🫡

Idk what but I know who. 😩

Stunting like my daddy

Yo what it do

Y’all know me . I don’t clear up y’all’s opinions of me since high school. Cause 1 no one says it to me. 2 not true. 3 not my business BUT I need me, the truth correct everyone’s “knowledge “ of summerdaye.

1st fact. IM NOT ON METh. Meth second handedly destroyed my life and I was close to death. not from meth.. from Ben on meth. I was only told 1 thing since so If there’s more I can’t even imagine. But here’s the reality of that. April 2018 Ben came back after a breakup (my first time doing it and it was because of meth) he came back the week of Easter and sobered up and was good FOR A WEEK. Easter sun night “he has to go find out” before I start with that let me understand the man has untreated mental health issues and felt I betrayed him when I broke up with him. He left for 4 days and tbh insanity is my only excuse for playing captain save a hoe and he came back. First month I had a miscarriage from the stress. To sum up a whole store quickly he acted as if he was back but 1 delusional 2 double personalities. He forgot who I was as a person like my character integrity and morals and accused me of so much for so long. He “knew” there was someone else (didn’t matter for what but either drugs, man, or controlling person ) now remember we been together 9 years. I insanely stayed loyal every when broken up I stood in my truth so hard he became a literal terrorist. For months. I had no friends. He made sure of that. He totaled my keep in June and I barely left the house. (He isolated me) so bad 2 phones got snapped in half because of me being on it. I didn’t want emails to go if that’s how serious it was. He hacked me. And just everything I never thought. In August I found .. now hold up. I CANT MAKE THIS UP.. a 9 lined hit list

Get kids taken from her

Get off child support

Get me out the trailer

Ruin her

Destroy her and watch her suffer

Sit back and make her eat it.

BY ANOTHER FEMALE that he left them 4 days for. My brain broke that weekend and I can’t even explain this way but that doesn’t matter.

January 16 I got a restraining order because the man I knew and fell in love with died. I’m embarrassed to even have been with him and really want to change the kids last name cause that’s embarrassing.

Anyways my point is while I was in this house for 10 months being abused and at war him and his help used what you call a smear campaign. 1 I was a snitch. 2 I sold meth 3 the cops where watching me.those are the only ones I know of so I can about imagine what it really is. THAT WAS ALL HIM AND HIS PIC. And he did it for this exact reason “if I can’t have you no one will” my problem is I stay humble and never said anything cause everything else I hear y’all think are untrue or misconstrue. So let me be clear again… SUMMERDAYE POIRRIER does NOT do meth. I never lie I ain’t said I never cause I have and I hated it when I did it. THATS WHY I DONT DO IT.

Everything else, I’m crazy… yeah but not like you think. Am I a Bitch? Absolutely. I’m rough and tough and speak the truth no matter what and I always have. I have no reason to lie and plus idc if the truth bothers you cause it shouldn’t.

So for the last 3 years I’ve been suffering from severe ptsd and other similar problems just with family. I know y’all won’t but that’s in you. STOP LISTENING TO THE LIES ABOUT ME AND BELIEVE THEM when I’m such an open book literally

Wow

Everyone has switched up. I’m used to that. It’s the norm. Don’t phase me anymore.

But YOU? The one person I did trust still. The one I thanked more times than I can count for never switching up on me

The one who seen all sides of me and still stayed.

I’m at a list for words that arent vile. You deserve more than that. I hope whatever it is is worth it.

It’s not the switch that is getting me. It’s the way you moved and played it to the left.

Um, count your blessings I’m not spiteful and cruel. Because Remember babe.. you stole from me. And tbh if I was such a witch I’d GO BIG OR GO HOME. Checkmate type move. But nah I’m not that bitch.

To my younger self

What advice would you give to your teenage self?

Never go back to Louisiana even to visit

Better alone

Do you know me the way you say you do?
Or do you only know what you want to
When you slowly cut me up deep like a knife?
You are slowly taking over in my head
A new coding, everything inside we said
I can only see myself through tainted eyes

Be careful with what you say
Every little word will resonate
No voice or reason to debate
I’ve never tried to pay
But holding on only leads me to isolate
But if everything is true ’bout what you say

Then maybe I’m better lonely
I’m starting to think I am
‘Cause all you ever do is try to hurt me just because you can
Tell me what you hate about me
The things that make me who I am
Wonder if they’re the reason everybody leaves me in the end

Maybe I’m better lonely
Maybe I’m better lonely

Do you notice how soon my smile fades on my own lips
When you put me on display with the focus?
You’re bringing my flaws into light (Bring my flaws into light)
Can’t revoke it, every blow is on my plate and they won’t quit
How can I be the one to blame from all this?
I let your thoughts take over mine (They’re taking over mine)

Be careful with what you say
Every little word will resonate
No voice or reason to debate (Reason to debate)
I’ve never tried to pay
But holding on only leads me to isolate
But if everything is true ’bout what you say

Then maybe I’m better lonely
I’m starting to think I am
‘Cause all you ever do is try to hurt me just because you can
Tell me what you hate about me
The things that make me who I am
Wonder if they’re the reason everybody leaves me in the end

Maybe I’m better lonely
Maybe I’m better lonely

If I let go of everyone around me and I’m alone
All is left is who I see in my shadow
Will I be happy or am I my own worst enemy?
If I let go of everyone around me and I’m alone
All is left is who I see in my shadow
Will I be happy or am I my own worst enemy?

Then maybe I’m better lonely
I’m starting to think I am
‘Cause all you ever do is try to hurt me just because you can
Tell me what you hate about me
The things that make me who I am
Wonder if they’re the reason everybody leaves me in the end?

Triggered.

It’s been a long 2 days securing my house and my ptsd is triggered and that’s one thing I can’t control.

Your my safe place. I want to talk to you about everything. 😩

Come sleep with me.

---

💗❤️🖤

Misunderstood

I’ve always been misunderstood that’s why i stay authentic and real, to help make it less misunderstood. It would be nice to be understood at least once but I’m also completely AOKAY with staying misunderstood.

😮‍💨🫠😬💀

I’ve always been different, unique and one of a kind. They broke the mold when they made me and said “oh shit!” I’m the whole trip and luggage. Don’t get me started because I don’t come with breaks or chill and the only filters are for coffee. God never equipped me with a fuck to give and couldn’t give one even if it was financed.

Don’t let that make you think I don’t give a fuck about anything because that would be a big mistake. For the things I do give a fuck about isn’t something you want to find out about yourself cause I will show you just how much I do give a fuck.

I’m not here to be just meek. I was born a wild spirit. Both meek and fierce. It’s all about balance. Duality. The purpose of this time on earth. Woah let me stop, we don’t have the same beliefs. No need for negativity. Back to the narrative.

I’ve watched my entire life someone try and be like me and fall cause they 1 don’t know me 2 I could give you the recipe but the sauce won’t be the same.

Y’all can study me, watch me, mock me, etc and you will still get it wrong every time because you don’t have my traumas, you don’t have my ptsd. You can learn how I move but if you don’t listen to me you’ll never understand why I love how I move.

That’s all. Signing off. 🫡

SP

Make it make sense?

I get studied, tested, set up, blown up, torn down, harassed, stalked, hacked, life threatened more than once, everyone is involved, and Im wrong for being mad?

Please tell me how I should feel when I’ve tried seeking help and never got it. Now “I’m lying? Who knows what you heard. No one confronts me, why? Is all this necessary? Ai software? Why is it I never see any content? There’s a lot being done; how much further will they go?

The levels they have been in is unbelievable and I can’t even imagine what’s being said/done in my name and/or face. Ive seen so much.

So many times.

I’m not sinless, no one is. I’ve made many mistakes and learned from them to not make as many. “I have authority” over something? Umm no one’s paying attention because I don’t have authority over shit. So why am I having to keep repaying for those when others dont? I’m not god so I don’t judge, but sometimes it’s not a judgment but factual.

Someone who witnessed all this said to me “you shouldn’t be used to this kinda stuff.” After witnessing the fuckery and me saying I’m used to it. She was right I shouldn’t be used to all this, but I can’t stop it; I’ve tried. And they don’t stop.

“They want me dead or in prison.”

Headie one

They just cowards so they make me a target or try and convince me to do it myself. I wouldn’t give them that satisfaction of even attempting my life knowing so.

The truth will prevail.

If you want to know, ask. Ease

I can’t stand when someone tries to say what I want when they don’t even know how I feel.

That’s why I hate when people assume. They always wrong. 

Rant over

I don’t need a hero, but maybe…

I’m not really sure how to feel about it cause i want you to stay. Funny I’m the broken one who needs saving. Pride and ego down, I want you to stay. But there’s a distance between us leading you astray. 

Remember this?

This isn’t then. I’m not as confident

I don’t want to lose what we have/had😩

I understand your side, but understand that now I’m just as bad. That’s why we don’t talk. WHY ARE WE SCARED? Why is there this detachment?

well I can answer that one, my subconscious ptsd. 

Your my safe place. Security. You don’t trigger me.

But I can’t control my ptsd and wouldnt notice if I acted detached it’s not your fault, it’s theirs.

Seeing you tonight, talking to you. Smooth no awkward feelings. Btw I know what you wanted to do. I felt your energy.

Dummy. I told you to do it 🫠😬

I’m sorry. 😞

Just Try

Watch what will happen. Have I steered you wrong yet? Or lied?

You can’t end something because she didn’t show you love when she did and you pushed her away and you never showed her love either. Taking the coward away out on her. If you really feel how you do about her you need to show her how you feel. She’s lost find her. 
-k

🖤😘🥸

I don’t have all the answers

So let me tell you why I started my blog and why I continue.

I started Nobody is alone for people who go thru what I have and for them to be like “I’m not alone”

Because for 33 years and counting I have done it all alone.

I started this in 2014 advocating for mental health and after the abuse I added to it abuse as well. I never started writing to coach, mentor, ect because I don’t have all the answers yet either and if and when I do i write about it.

You know how AA works? Well if you don’t besides putting in the work everyday what works the most is hearing the stories from other addicts and knowing your not alone in the fight. I well same thing here. Didn’t know that when I started this but after doing the steps more than once I now see it is the same concept.

Thank you. Enjoy.

My pack. Heart. Hero’s

One thing I don’t write about is my kids mainly for privacy reasons. But today let me tell you about the blessings in my life.

Ethan. The baby I miscarried. His only ultrasound.

“Energy doesn’t die it transfers.” And I now know that god never intended for him to live but for him to give me the energy to preserve the rest of 2018. 

Nothing less than crazy

You know I never claim to be anything less than crazy even before I had mental illness. The level of fucks I don’t give made me crazy before, then bipolar hit me at 18. Now that was crazy a psychopath at times, uncontrollable, multiple suicides, mania lasting 3 days on only Xanax, deep depression(S), reactive abuse flash outs (sounds all insane right?) That I was.

My first pregnancy was a shock to me but a blessing all the way around even the pregnancy. My bipolar was dormant. The happiest 9 months of my life: working up until the day before I delivered. Then 3 months after having him, once I start working again, it hit me like a Mac truck one morning, postpartum depression. I never noticed it until that one morning when I felt all the feelings of suicide but didn’t want to commit it or even was suicidal and my best friend at the time when I went to her she called out postpartum.

I called a therapist that day left a message and he called me back at 6pm and stayed on the phone with me for at least an hour. He told me likely since my pregnancy was so good my hormones just plummeted and which is why I felt like I felt. I started seeing him in 2014.

I was tired of being tired with my bipolar and I never wanted Blayden (at the time) to ever see me flash out in front of him so I got complacent about my medication. If I want to live a “normal” life for me and my kids I’ve come to terms I have to take medications. I’m okay with that. (I hate big pharma.) In 2015 I got pregnant again for Salem. Not a good pregnancy for me. I stayed depressed or sick all the time. Overall bad pregnancy for me mentally.

April 2016 was my first rehab stay after 4 psych wards previous years. While in rehab I healer a lot (almost all) my childhood trauma. I still have the letter I wrote myself to do so. I never noticed the healing until after 2018 because I’m hindsight that’s when a lot of the dysfunction and abuse started. I never flashed anymore only got out of character when I would find certain drugs in and around the house. Then a deep depression sunk in that lasted at least 3 months but I’m pretty sure a lot longer but 3 is all I can remember for sure. By the end of 2017 I had enough of the lie, insults to my intelligence, and after hours of circling a fight that made no sense and just wanting sleep finally at 2am Christmas morning I did my Santa thing all with a sound head I finally kicked him out out, for the first time ever the entire 8 year relationship. Not once did I lose control. Those 4 months apart were nothing but job applications, helping a friend get out a bad situation and that march I found out I was pregnant for him, we stayed talking until February. I called and told him and he said he would call me back and didn’t for a whole month.

Now this is going to highlight his crazy and what I went through. After he month he decided to come home to his family and it was nothing but stress and abuse. I remember telling my grandma, sister, and him all the same day they needed to stop or I would miscarry. He comes home got sober a week and that Saturday night went to Nola. That Sunday, April 1,2018 not long after I announced I was pregnant on fb he was irate about to leave “to find out information.” I was physically holding him back because for why?

Small town. People talk, information comes to me without asking or knowing I need the information. Now where he went and the circumstances surrounding it, I should have been kicking in doors and smashing heads. Instead, I was on my sofa laughing, asking my friends if I could go drop of his hamper of close in the driveway just to be like “I know.” But they all agreed no. Even his own friend had confirmed what I already was being told as true.

Then I watched my insanity work. After 4 days of hearing she was about to go to jail for some bs well insane me jumped to action to captain save a hoe, his ass and still took him back like a fool.

Now I’ll have a separate blog explaining what all happened that year because I already wrote it in rehab and it’s 10 pages. But that year was like ai was in war with a terrorist that you thought you knew but you didn’t. One you insanely loved, not rose colored glasses love I’m talking about deaf blind and retarded. Red flags flying, sirens blaring the house on fire and I still only called myself STUPID. And even that was after months of enduring torture until August when (now I wouldn’t believe this if I wouldn’t have seen it for myself) Finding a hit list of things to do kill me, she wrote.

It took all that for me to look at him and tell him “I never thought you would lose me.” (See insane) and started to turn down his insanity just not fully.

August-September 2018

Something to ponder

I’m sure everyone has heard so much negative stuff about me from others. Me personally or “me” online (fake content) but what you will never hear about is all the good I did. 1. The stuff you hear is coming from people who sought revenge for going no contact with them. 2 They are dangerous, disloyal, liars about who they really are. Reasons why I went no contact.

They won’t mention chance after chance until my life wasn’t safe anymore. Nor will you hear how I was the one who helped either supposed to get her kid back and others not lose their kids the whole time getting turned on because I don’t enable my friends destructive behaviors.

No they won’t tell you none of that. Let’s not forget helping multiple friends the best I could the entire time I was the one needing the help. No? None of that?

Of course not. And this post isn’t my ego talking, it’s my self respect. What you hear is exaggerated lies and half lies because I know my worth and when it’s not valued and or I’m taken advantage of and wasting my time I went no contact.

When I go no contact it’s for my best interest and my kids; not to get back at them, prove a point, hurt them, none of that. Now I’m not that person to be “all I’ve done for you.” This isn’t what this is about. Actually I’m not talking to that audience.

This is me speaking to the ones that don’t know all the truth and only the false narratives. Whichever one they get.

Now am I always nice? Fuck no, I’ve always been an asshole, but that’s something they won’t tell you either. That’s one of the things they love about me; because it doesn’t come from a cruel way if you must.

I’m not prefect, never claimed to be but I’m not what you think I am. Know me or not, you should really always get both sides of every story because people be believing anything about you as long as it’s negative.

I know when talking about the past I don’t speak on the good times and that is cause not only in hindsight there wasn’t many good things. It wouldn’t be fair to give credit when the “good” was only love bombs and gaslights. So they seemed good given the situation but if ever asked about it I would tell you that part too.

So once again be careful not knowing both sides or the story. Be careful what you label someone because “they said so.” The villain will have you so convinced the victim is the villain and have you supporting them and the victim(s) never get justice or support.

And that’s my Ted Talk

SummerDaye

#1 stunna

I hate trauma. There’s such a disconnect between us but a connection at the same time. I’m quiet, “shy” in a sense but your my happy place. I love when your here. Same reason you deflect me is the same reason I’m so meek when your around. My feelings never changed.

You did nothing wrong; it’s me. My ptsd. I need you to open up or let me open up but I need you to take the lead this time. Watch how different I would be. How back to normal I would be for us.

Also stop defecting me so I can stop being so closed off. I want to tell you everything I want you part of my life and vice versa

No composure

Did you know you can heal from one trauma and get traumatized again? True story. In 2019 I healed tremendously from the year prior. See it wasn’t him I needed to get over. Enough was done for me to be done and over him when I chose to leave. See what I had to get over was my self. For staying too long. Failing my kids of having a better life than I had. Finding myself again. Self esteem and more. I had a family I built, faught far and held together ripped from under me demolished to find out it was for nothing and I never even thought of any other way.

Then I discovered Klusterfck that changed a lot in me. Seeing my worth for the first time then my kids got taken from me that did more than break me but I shook back from that even. All then while going thru more harassment and a lot more. Master manipulators they are. Then my grandpa, my heart, one of the few people I call family died and something inside of me broke. His wake was on my birthday. From then til December my psyche was tested. Distracted and should have broke more but only got better the more shit happened. I paid attention.

Here’s the retraumatization last year one of the 2 people i trusted with my safety electrocuted me and just told me I had a seizure when I came to. I have an hour and a half time spans missing and wasn’t til match til I found out he electrocuted me with 110 volts. That’s when I started spiraling. I stopped using everything but smoking exhausted all my resources and then 2 weeks later when to rehab. When I got home after all the betrayals I had not a single person I trusted to talk to about everything because so many had been against me the whole time i thought we were friends.

See people think I’m not over my past when that’s far from the truth. He and others are still fucking with my life and worse was done to me sense.

Just thought I was clear the air. As if I care much less worry about any of these inhuman creatures. That’s what happens when people assume and don’t fact check the bs they hear or think.

Over with thats all she wrote

This is one of them if the shoe fits kind of post. Please understand I know who’s a friendly bob friend, an op and who’s neither. Im not going to call ya’ll on ya’ll bs anymore. Not only did my gut tell me from the jump but also “keep your friends close enemies closer?” Some of ya’ll have not only burnt your own bridge with me and have no idea but got me on go mode for the futures stops if any are taken. It’s not okay to take advantage of another human being. It’s not cool to take advantage of someone naive and more scared than anything to say no. It’s not cool to guilt trip, shame, threaten and blackmail someone for standing up for themselves finally after getting taken advantage of. It’s def. not okay to speak so vial of someone who’s done nothing but help you. Hell even two people in the same conversation. Opps my bad must not have know I was there. Your bad. Its completely wrong to tell someone to do something and when they do shame them for it, insult both parties and degrade the who who listened to you in the first place. That in all accord is a gaslight. NO I WONT ALLOW IT. Im in high protective mode, not only for myself and kids but others around, stop provoking something you not only know anything about but even ready for. No one wants that, not me even tho I will if need be and not anyone else. I promise. Leave not only me alone but the few in my pack. Im not going to give anyone the satisfaction of explaining what is already understood.

We’re humans not yalls toys; but keep playing us like we are. No threat. No promise. No warning.

Change I must or die I will

A statement from a tech in my second psych ward stay. Immediately I said while grabbing a pen “that’s my next tattoo” and when I got out my next tattoo was put on my left forearm as a constant reminder. That was around 2011. Took me a couple more psych ward stays,suicides and a rehab to finally get it right. Each stay at a facility I would do the work and took from each experience in order to heal. May have took sometime but I did it. And when I did I healed all my childhood trauma. I healed Katie. I gained stability in a sense. For me, the kids, overall everyone. I was a hot headed psycho. I was tired of being tired and no one ever needed to meet that side of me. I got off the rollercoaster cycling thru mania and depression. Instead I just stayed deeply depressed. That happens when you’re made to feel worthless, unappreciated, and belittled on the daily, just over all straight up not cared about unless it involved sex. There was months span that I didn’t even want to be touched that how depressed I was. Now let’s add to the mix all the insulting lies I didn’t even care to investigate anymore so after years of this plus a never ending circular fight for hours I made a change. A major one. Eliminate the problem. And I meant it.

I was happy. Blayden noticed one day and comes tell me “you look better when daddy isn’t here.” Which he was right. Know how they say god will give you the same test over and over again til you get it right? Not only is that true because I did it for 8 years. God gave me a way out every single time with me coming out unscathed since year 1, but I was insane and went back, AGAIN.

April 2018 he was back but this time it was way different. Way worse. Hell on earth. And after 9 months of being held hostage, tortured, and not knowing what to expect at every moment. Finding a list of things to do that would have killed me if had worked. I said “I never thought you would lose me” and I meant that. Well January 2019 I made a decision to make a change cause if not I would have died. A cop told me October 2018 first before I even knew. I don’t regret anything but not leaving sooner.

If you think you know me because you knew me before all that. I going to need you to stop thinking because I’m nothing close to what I was before.

Merry Christmas

• I’m behind on posts because every holiday affects me differently and its the second Christmas my Pa wasn’t here.

Growing up Christmas was always my favorite holiday. Me, Granny, Aunt Shannon and the step family would all pack up and head to MawMaws in Mangumn, La. 4 corners, near Winsborrow. I loved going to Mawmaw’s. I would sleep with her and she would sing to me to fall asleep, but not before a hot lavender bath. Then every morning i would wake up to; like she knew i was about to wake up, fresh out the oven cinnamon toast. Perfectly browned with the butter, cinnamon, and sugar at the perfect temp. and for the perfect amount of time. Then there were my cousins who were grown young adults compared to me an child. They were my favorites some more than others. I called them aunt and uncle out of respect but they were really cousins. Christmas eve we would all meet at mawmaws to eat and then to all gather in the dinning/piano room. About 30 or so give or take a couple would gather around the room while singing along to whoever is playing the piano. After that everyone sat in their family groups. My cousins were all starting their own families or already had. I would always sit with my uncle Jeffery and Aunt Leah. They were always my favorite. Then we would all exchange gifts amongst the family. We would then go outside and have a firework show in the driveway, while tracking Santa on the news “radar” so at 10pm was bed time of course so Santa could pass. A couple of years i remember either just me or me and a sister waking up early trying to catch Santa, just to get caught by the adult on duty to sleep on the sofa to tell us it wasn’t time yet. We always waited for Pa to be up and ready for us to get to open them. So we walk back to the rooms and back to sleep we would go until morning. Christmas days were always busy, started with us opening gifts while simultaneously getting ready and packing to leave Mawmaw’s. We would eat lunch and then tell everyone bye and get back on the road to New Iberia, La to do christmas all over again at Pa’s house.

I will say when it came to granny and pa, especially me, not to brag just in retrospect, we got really spoiled. My granny died when i was 12 and the last time i made it up to north Louisiana was for her burial. Christmas wasnt the same after that anymore. Dementia set in in MawMaw and she barely remembered me but some details like that cinnamon toast, she would remember. She had even forgot her own children and even her nurse by the end of it. From ages 12-16 Christmas was spent with my step mom and sisters sometime Tiger was there, depending on the oil field. Also Pa and Tiger still went to the hunting range up north to hunt, like they did every year until Pa died.

In 2006 i moved to Houston, Tx with my mom. I don’t remember much of the Christmases between 12 and 18 much other than your basic gift exchange. Every year that I lived on my own i had a tree in my apartment and I worked and then went spend it with friends like we were family. One year the weeks before Christmas in my apartment complex there were a few cars broken into and presents taken. Well it was a couple days before Christmas me and my boyfriend went to bed and left the tree on, never thinking anything about it. That morning i woke up before him so never noticed anything off or wrong, until he woke up looking for his backpack and when he asked me about it I realized my purse wasn’t on the sofa where i left it the night before. We both start searching. I had a sliding screen door with big mini blinds that we never used or opened but something caught my attention with the blinds. The door had been left with a 6inch crack open. They were hoping for presents but they knew for a fact they would score from my purse and the back pack alone. My purse was real coach purse, Prada wallet, D&G glasses and the other contents and the backpack had a good couple hundred dollars for Christmas presents.

In 2009 i moved back to Louisiana and met my ex. The first Christmas i give it to him, he tried and i tried to enjoy what he did but i was exhausted and went to bed. Now every other holiday especially Christmas he made sure to ruin on purpose to where I wouldn’t show up or if i did my mood wouldn’t allow me to enjoy the moment. And if he did happen to come with me to just torture me more, he would be all smiling like nothing was wrong and leave me in the dog yard with the attitude he created. A decade of that to where the last one together i considered taking a nap with Salem taking and nothing else was a good Christmas. Mind you that was my year in hell.

First Christmas without him wasn’t good for me for a couple reasons; a good friend got murdered Christmas eve, another good friend started tripping out of the blue, and it was my first Christmas alone. While i’d have rather be alone than have him ruin it, it still sucked. But i made it for my kids. Someone gave me all kinds of Winnie the Pooh decorations. Tree decortations of all kinds but even big animated characters. We even put up our 3 owl decorations that represented us. One broke, but it wasn’t needed anymore anyway. That was Christmas 2019.

Christmas 2020 got ruined for me because not only did I not get them Christmas eve period, but not til the afternoon Christmas day. So fuck me and Santa huh? And to make matter worse my lotus got out the house and I thought he was gone for good.

We would always go eat at Pa’s to go eat Christmas day and that was with family even Judy, even though we didn’t like her; especially me. For him, that one day i would put the differences aside and treat her like family. Everyone was surprised every time, but thats how much Pa meant to me. It wasn’t fake it was genuine. Any other day of the year, i kept my distance from her.

Well Pa died July 2021, so Christmas is gone for me but this year i put up the tree and let the kids decorate it themselves. I cant do much but i can try and make it memorable like mine was because it isnt the presents i remember or that mattered it was the people, what we shared, what we did, and the love i remember the most and thats all that mattered then at the age of 8.

You have no idea

Not today satan

The audacity to call me a year to the date you fucking killed me and you want to call me and “hey stranger” me? Then want to have dementia like I really was going to say wtf. Nah uh, not today. And don’t flatter yourself thinking I called you the devil. Nah you don’t get that credit, your sir are something way worse and idk what you are cause evil, cruel and inhumane just don’t suffice enough to explain what you are. Insulting that not only called me but really believed I would give you the satisfaction of entertaining you much less talk to you about it.

There’s nothing to talk about. You did what you did. I know what you did, you know I know what you did; all of it. There’s nothing to say except I could feel how soulless you are in the calmness of your tone. Leave me alone& pass along the message to your friends.

Ps. This is me being nice and calm because the latter might send me straight to hell. Not today satan!

No I’m not in my feelings, shut up🫣

Let me be honest since you definitely don’t know how I really feel. Since coming back around this year all I’ve wanted to was to 1 you care enough to ask but 2 just lay here and tell you everything and let me tell you this, I would finally get the break I need to get out. But guess you don’t care that much. 🙄 Yeah we both know that’s a lie and I know the reason why not but that reasoning shouldn’t be an issue with me especially at this point especially for how vulnerable I am. Trust me have I ever let you down or lied yet?

Listen 🎧

Born again

So here’s the start of my testimony. The only reason I made it out of 3028 if because of god only. I shouldn’t have walked out of 2018. Now let me explain my faith. I always believed in god and had faith blind faith if you will. None of my faith today comes from a church or any teaching. I’m march 2019 god had to show me the reality of that year being spiritual warfare and I had no idea of the spiritual side it showed just like domestic violence. Then he showed me how he how he saved me. I didn’t know the armor of gif was even a thing that you pray for to have even prayed for it. No one prayed for it for me because no one knew what was happening much less know in advance besides god so humbly showed me I was worthy enough to have been saved in such a way. After that god showed me a lot. Wisdom and my purpose. Also my gift in music. Even a snippet of his vision for me. Then that July the devil caught me off guard and knocked me off my pivot.

That September I went to jail. What kept me being okay in jail without a worry was I was safe and I knew god was doing one of two things either protecting me from something on the outside or me protecting someone inside. So I sat there for a month. I got out in Oct.

November 13, I call D-day, I said then the devil came with all my demons. And boy was I right. Not only did my family give Ben legal visitation but took my custody when I wasn’t unfit until I found out they had it. And I’m surprised I shook back from that November I was more than broken. And the only reason I kept remembering my faith was because god kept showing up in situations I shouldn’t have lived.

Now let me say this, there’s NOTHING anyone can do or say to convince me otherwise about god. I don’t believe I know.

well then demons have run ragged in my life for 2 years now and there’s not a bound they won’t cross. Year to date tomorrow one of the few people I trusted with my safety killed me and lied to me when I came back and said I just had a seizure. In march I found out the truth. When I did I stopped using and for 2 weeks spiraled out of control even with exhausting all my resources. Then I went to rehab for 28 days. Not because I struggle with my addiction. While I’m an addict and always will be I don’t struggle with it I struggle with my mental health and I self medicate but remember I said I stopped using?

While in there I got ahold of my sanity and sense of security. From April til June I stayed sober. Now the only thing I had before rehab and after was my faith. And in June one day after months with the realization I had not one person I could trust to talk to about anything much less everything. And the suicidal thoughts started and I had to smoke to stop them. And it did. Since then more and more stuff has happened and still here I am alone. Still in the dark place of being alone and if I don’t have weed, the dark thoughts start. Now I’m not suicidal, I know it’s not an option. The demons never rest and god keeps exposing more and more and tbh I have had enough to the point I considered my vehicle not working as a blessing because I wouldve went find one of a few. Well out of no where this past weekend a friend of mines mom had called me and we were talking and she asked if I wanted to get baptized and without contemplating it I said yes. Now I think about doing something over and over again before I can convince myself to do it so I knew it was something I needed to do, plus something got to work right?

Last night was that baptism and let me just say this, before the baptism and before the tornados we had here in Louisiana god showed up in a major way and since the baptism hasn’t stopped. So not only has he literally saved me but I’ve reached salvation.

Humbly god bless

Just a stretch? Is it just a stretch..

To believe without seeing the proof that these person(s) have used dummy accounts, making me look/sound incompetent, cruel, vial, and ignorant with no empathy? Speaking from hate and not love in order to prevent *THE REAL KLUSTERFCK* who’s still a nobody from rising from the ashes from the original fire of destruction after being told “I’ll make sure to burn Klusterfck to the ground” no it’s not just a stretch. I’m talking about stealing beats I made used them and supported the fake page using them while dissing me for my method ect. I went from one of the hottest producers on the app to coming back from a hiatus (dealing with family issues and the start of what is going on 2 years of tyranny to coming back to being public enemy #1. I asked multiple people, respected and who supported and respected me beforehand “what is it I did or am doing wrong? Response every single time was “I have no idea what your talking about. The sad part is in Feb 2021 when my original IG and fb got hacked I made a post saying “it’s sad it’s came down to this but if anything unklusterfck like happened it was not me. I didn’t come back from hiatus til April 2021 and without knowing until it was too late that he had infiltrated the app much less anywhere else. February was the start of a long 2 years of fraudulent activities on all degrees on the scale in all other parts of my life even still with no answers to the response “what did I do wrong?” See it isn’t such a stretch for me to believe such persons have done such in the music community as a whole have done such. At the beginning of all this background checks were paid for as well as fake numbers just in order to get my number and “start bothering others” So I can image the names, accounts, personalities, status ect these con-artists have conjured up. So given any other circumstance, yes it would be a stretch to say Klusterfck has been used negatively and opposite of its meaning. Shit I highly doubt that they don’t even know the meaning behind Klusterfck to even comprehend that Klusterfck can’t be killed unless they kill me.

Regrettably signed by

Summerdaye Poirrier aka Klusterfck

No contact means no contact

To anyone I cut off for not being the real them and showed me colors I never seen in a crayon box answer me this.. What do I owe you? Hopefully not an apology. I did nothing wrong but protect myself from more damage.

Y’all don’t even deserve a word yet some have been said. As far as money goes there’s two people I owe and that’s no of your business wether you know or not. Not only do I pay for everything given to me, your delusional to think I owe you a cent much less word’s for anything you did after contact was cut. Doesnt matter how much you spend on trying to drive me crazy ruin me or anything spent legally caused by your actions .

When I cut y’all off or go no contact it’s because y’all aren’t loyal, honest, and respectful and I felt as if I was being taken advantage of and don’t want anything more to do with you.

What’s really delusional is linking up, plotting, scheming and fraudulently setting out on “ruining me?” Is that what’s happening? Y’all bullying me into submission? 😂💀 hold up; let’s me breathe, okay back to business, nothing you do can make me go against my principles and morals. I will always call BS on shits that’s fake. I will continue to see my worth no matter who you try and convince is less. Y’all can’t be real about the name of the page the fraudulent content is being produced on.

Why not post to where I can see, read, hear all the juicy details of myself. I don’t follow y’all like y’all do me so maybe I catch on later than normal but that’s by design while as y’all’s format of making me sound delusional, tripping, and like I’m losing my mind. Bravo 👏

You can’t make this shit up

Me describing my life, you can’t make this up. As a matter of a fact why would I want to? This is a god written life only. If I would make up shit, why wouldn’t I make it sound good? Has my point been made yet?

No? Let me continue. In a wonderful world of fake everything; personalities, boobs, names all of it. I dare to be different. “Be authentic to all transparent to some.” When your authentic it threatens their fake egos and their real egos. Everything is a con. No matter what it is it’s fake, a cover for insecurities. See where I’m going there yet?

I will never willingly be part of any con, scam or even “voice.” You will always get straight up authenticity from me. Too many people talk subliminally or sideways. Boy the stories I’ve heard.

Question, why does my truth make you want to umm.. in so many words “stop me? Tbh for not being shit and “invaluable” there’s a lot of attention my way. So many eyes. Snake eyes everywhere. So many jabs, traps, words being laid in a life they have no part of.

You do realize, now sit down for this, egos might not like this.. for painting me in the light y’all do, are y’all aware y’all are doing everything I do, blogs, fb pages, groups, memes, music even in order to do so? It’s a paradox really.

End note don’t think y’all have ruined any Avenue I do have for me. You may have tarnished some part of it but that’s the great part of being authentic, it always shows thru; just give it time.

Coded

So I read something very interesting about me yesterday. Well not only and I been read this am I not woke but also I’m unaware of my shadow side and when it comes out. 🫣😂 I love when people try and figure me out cause they be so wrong.

So yeah not only can read thru y’all’s coded talk nmw what name scenario gender ect yeah energy is a dry snitch. Also there so much I haven’t spoken on. On purpose. I don’t follow y’all like y’all do me so yeah sometimes I catch on later than I do but don’t you for a second think I didn’t know a head of time. I been calling shit before i have proof way before. ALSO, y’all must have missed that blog. Sometimes i have to befriend one for the demons.

Y’all are criminals on all degrees. Y’all arrogant and ignorant but continue on, please remember this, the game has been on. Underestimate me, that’s always my favorite. 🙃

It’s the insult to my intelligence I don’t like

Not only can I read thru y’all’s coded talk but I also know when I confront someone about something and they act as if they don’t know what I’m talking about as if I wouldn’t be there if I didn’t know what I was talking about. Hello we’ve been playing this game for how long? 2 years now? Yeah I’m not stupid.

What’s disappointing is how you know what I’m saying is true and still stand on the side you do. Not only do I know your side of it but theirs too. Write about it if your can’t talk about it. Either way stop insulting my intelligence because that’s how you lose me.

I never had a reason to lie to anyone much as long as you. And I know you know for a fact that I’m loyal and not what they portray because you been there and can tell. Don’t let the fear of your feelings now that I know make you lose what you been having.

3 peat

Bitch swallow my words and taste my thoughts

Paint me however you want, I’m the narcissist fine I’m the narcissist. I’m the villain? Sure joker mode. Whatever you say I am fine I’ll be that because I know me, the truth I stand in is why your say the things y’all do.

Btw, stop saying I’m a narcissist and in denial, nobody is in denial. Katie is a psychopath not a narcissist and do a lot of my defense mechanisms FROM BEING NARCISSISTICLY ABUSED may look narcissistic but if you would actually know it’s not it’s from knowing my worth now.

Sorry not sorry I’m such a threat to y’all because I don’t even want y’all in my life to even think of y’all to even be considered a threat. Y’all weird

Tid bits

As much that has been done I’ve always come out ahead. Even at my lowest I’m stronger than y’all.

Everything y’all do only makes me stronger.

Here’s the real tea. If you really want to stop me you would leave me alone.

See this isn’t the first time I’ve been broken down and my name smeared and every time I came out clean and built myself up. So best believe I will again I’ve been doing this since I was a kid.

Y’all are weak not only do you numbers of y’all, y’all use lies in order to “bring me down” y’all are con artists not real artists, frauds, and many more things that are way worse. That’s not judgmental those are facts.

Y’all obsessed and fans. So glad I could inspire so much. Y’all tend to feel as if I owe any of y’all something and while thats delusional AF homage is due Cash app me $summerdayep3

Empty

God I’m feeling low

Inside my mind going back and forth 
Every single night, I ask the Lord 
Will he take all these grey clouds away? 
'Cause when it rains, I can't stand the storm 
Trauma is a pain that I can't ignore 
No job for days, I'm a crashing course 
I'm tryna fight off my depression 
I don't know how long I had it for

But I had it long enough to know that it is a part of me 
They say "Get over it" as if it isn't hard for me 
As if I didn't hear it from everybody else 
Giving me their opinion on everything they feel is wrong with me 
These highs and lows taking their toll 
I can't control my feelings now 
I just don't know how long I'll go way down this road 
I feelin' down, I make a record so they feel me now

Just 'cause you exist don't mean you're alive 
And I realized this as time passes by 
I can't call it quits, I quit every time 
I need to resist this feeling inside 
I wish my pain would leave and just exit 
Maybe I didn't learn my lesson 
I feel like I'm disconnected, 'cause

God, I'm feeling low, low, low 
I'm feeling low, don't know where to go, o-oh 
God, I'm feeling low, low, low 
I'm tired of the pain, of the shit, go away, aye

Yeah, I tell myself that I got this 
Then tell myself that I'm not shit 
Tearin' down my spirit, now I'm in my feelings 
Man, when am I gonna stop this? 
These voices in my head do hit for sure 
Comparin' myself 'til I'm insecure 
It hits the worst when I'm feelin' doubt 
I'm locked in my thoughts, there's no gettin' out

It's a toxic cycle that I can't break 
Too paralyzed to move, so then I just wait 
'Til the pressure crushes me with all of this weight 
Trust me, I try to run, but I can't escape 
Life's like a loaded gun pointed at my face 
Love's like a potent drug just to numb my pain 
Now I try to open up to the ones I date 
Just to get broken up, what a mistake

God, I'm feeling low, low, low 
I'm feeling low, don't know where to go, o-oh 
God, I'm feeling low, low, low 
I'm tired of the pain, of the shit, go away, aye

I pray the Lord my soul to keep 
This nightmare isn't what I dream 
I close my hands in agony 
I pray, I pray, oh

Even angels cry

Why him?

Because we have been close friends over a decade. He’s seen my at all my worst. My craziest, lowest and most broken, weakest and has never changed the way he sees me. We have an unbreakable bond. I don’t want him for what he got. He makes me feel secure. Doesn’t trigger me. We don’t need each other. No matter where we end up in the end he will always be my best friend. He makes me feel safe. He’s always been that one place secure.

Edit: I started this September 27 and it just never got posted

YOU ARE IMPORTANT

I’m sorry i didn’t know til today when i read all your posts. Your right and wrong at the same time. i do love you I told you that. I just never wanted to push you away. And you left me speechless that one night.

My “vacation” was farrrr from that. They took my kids, Ben and Jacob trying to make me crazy. Now let’s add they “burned Klusterfck” to the ground, my grandpa died all at the same time. Then I found out that everyone I was close to was involved. And and now you 😒😡 understand why but they electrocuted me and idk why and how.

I’m not ass drugged out you think. I’m just way more fucked up now than before. I knew what was on when I asked you what was wrong in September I even wrote a letter and it stayed in my drawer cause I knew but needed to know that what you wanted

Out of all the bs today this is the only thing worth my time😘

Graduation

This is what I get for having expectations
‘Cause I forgot where I came from
What if I’m gone, will you wake up?
Would it then all make you wake up?

Hey mama, just wanted to tell you I love you
Don’t know if I say it enough
But I’ve been really prayin’ for us
And I thank god for you
Man, I look up to you, man
If I was in trouble, I need somebody I run to you (yeah)
If I never told you, you was my idol like really my idol
Whatever you said to me I took it in, like it was the bible
When you look at me, I wanna know, the feelin’ inside you
I guess sometimes I just wonder if you feel the way I do
Remember my 10th birthday, when you apologiezed
You couldn’t buy cake so you bought me McDonald’s fries
I thanked you but you got my brother gifts alot of times
For me you say can use some time, but never got the time
I figured it was for the bills, but for real how you really feel
I know this birthday around tax time so is that what it is
I know you gotta love me mom, ’cause every moma loves ther kids
I just really think it’s fucked up but I guess it is what it is
Remember recitals, I played the piano, I waited and you never came
You said you was working
But got home from work from my brother, went to every game
He never even really scored, but you was just there to support
But I know basketball is more fun to watch then piano on show
I really forgive you! And imma’ continue forgiving you
I made up a whole lot of reasons, ’cause I know it can’t be intentional
When I was in the hospital, you said you hope I got better
When he was down to whether, you was in the Hospital till’ he got better
I don’t understand!
When you look at me, I feel like you regret me
But the look inside your eyes when you see him sometimes affect me
I was tryin’ to be so perfect, just to feel like you accept me
I love the way you love, but you love everyone except me!
Be honest, Mom!
When nobody come thru’ for you, I’m present
But when Christmas come around, you don’t think to get me a present
Man, that’s fucked up!
‘Cause I spent my whole life tryin’ to impress you
But I guess I ain’t really special

This is what I get for having expectations
‘Cause I forgot where I came from
What if I’m gone, will you wake up?
Would it then all make you wake up?

You really showed me how much a parent could love their child
So much that they forget they got another child
Man, my whole life I just wanted to make my mother proud
One day if you see the difference, when I can’t come around

Song by Yellopain

Are we there yet are you scared yet!?

went out of my way, to do music for you!
I did shit with E-40, Scarface
Everybody, all your heroes, nigga, Yukmouth!
Modest shit! Now I'm 'bout to do it my way!
I don't give a fuck what y'all think about me!
Call me devil worshipper, nigga
You think that shit was bad? Listen to this, motherfucker!
How do I describe my pain?
It just rains and it brings at the same time flame
I am bane, insane in my veins
No restraints can chain or contain me, I'm dangerous
When I gave you my light it was wrong, wasn't right
And no love was in sight when I need it
So I run with the night and the songs that I write
It be vile and it won't be defeated
It's jet black in my brain
'Cause the hatred you gave me has turned me to twisted
You don't like this – suck my dick
All the kids with the sickness been waiting for this shit
I wanna get into the mind of your youngest
Fill it with fungus and grow it 'til it's humongous
Psycho alumnus, the tip of the tongue slit
Urging the punk bitch: Eat shit from your dump pit!
Everyone, are you ready for doom?
Because I've blackened the sun and I've bloodied the moon
I bring gloom when I step in the room
With the fumes of a tomb I consume all the light in the day
Everyone, are you ready for doom?
Because I've blackened the sun and I've bloodied the moon
I bring gloom when I step in the room
With the fumes of a tomb, flowers bloom when I'm taken away!
I've got this cloud inside, it's consuming my mind
All the brown in my eyes are dissolving
Into the whites of my eyes, now the night will arise
And I'm hyped 'cause the beast is evolving
Step into my dreams, lot of bleeding and semen and green rotted demons
And they feed their seeds collard greens
Full of feces and cheesed pieces of human cerebrum this evening
(Stay away) 'Cause everything I touch turns to mold!
(If you want me) Everything I fuck straight explodes!
Are we there yet? Are you scared yet?
You got a pussy in your pants, wanna share that?
Let me in, I'mma rip it then I'mma tear it out
I'm tryin' to eat a bitch, where her motherfucker hair at!?
Everyone, are you ready for doom?
Because I've blackened the sun and I've bloodied the moon
I bring gloom when I step in the room
With the fumes of a tomb I consume all the light in the day
Everyone, are you ready for doom?
Because I've blackened the sun and I've bloodied the moon
I bring gloom when I step in the room
With the fumes of a tomb, flowers bloom when I'm taken away!
Heat swells, details
Everybody eat nails, sleep well
Held a gun, I come to attack everyone
You little crumbs, all are done, I'mma blacken the sun
I'll banish it, damage it, can you manage to vanish?
Cut you like Anakin, manic man, damn it, and it's no panicking
When I eat your soul, he's north pole
That means I'mma be more cold, freeze more soul, 40 below
Piss, Lav, and Cuervo, plus habanero, now chug it!
Burn their head to their toes!
I will not spare those, I love it!
This is the result of you, thinking unclear, callin' me weird!
Thinking I'm a devil so you niggas don't cheer!
I don't give a fuck what you think of Tecca Nina this year!
Everyone, are you ready for doom?
Because I've blackened the sun and I've bloodied the moon
I bring gloom when I step in the room
With the fumes of a tomb I consume all the light in the day
Everyone, are you ready for doom?
Because I've blackened the sun and I've bloodied the moon
I bring gloom when I step in the room
With the fumes of a tomb, flowers bloom when I'm taken away!
This fun house is crazy
There's through doors here
You guys go through those doors and I'm gonna go through this one and I'll meet you on the other side
Wow, a big red music box, I gotta see what's inside

I’m only human

I'm only human
It's hard to count all of my mistakes I've made
I'm only human
Don't have the power to save the day, I can't
I'm only human
Nobody's perfect, I've been ashamed of things I've done
I need improvement, I need to work it
So many things for change to come
I'm only human
We all breathe the same air, share the same living space
Breath the same from the day that we came up out our mom's womb
Character traits from our parents, we behave how we've been taught to
Identify by a country, and a state
And a race, and a faith we belong to
From our face, what we're labeled and named we respond to
All too innocent until we get imprinted from the images we witness
And eventually resemble what we gone through
Some people say the shape of your fate is beyond you
Other say that fate is what you make it
I try to do right 'cause they glue you up
To State when they see you make a wrong move
But I ain't superhuman, I don't got a cape or a costume
Homie on the dog food, thought he got clean
Talkin' to him, all he doin' is nodding out sleep
Who am I to judge him?
Hard for me to drink and not fiend
Scared they gon' find my dead body on the box-spring
Know a lot of cool chicks, some with daddy issues
Hard to tell how many men have been up in her mouth piece
Men fuck a ton of women, they a certified pimp
When the shoe was on the other foot, they holler out freak
Like she isn't wife material
Both got venereal diseases, burnin' while they piss
Friends in long-term relationships, lying to each other
Never told them about the dirt they went and did
Kids acting out, searching for a dad
Young adults feel at fault to their
Parents 'cause they want a college grad
I can background check you, do research about your past
But I never know that person in the flesh 'cause
I'm only human
It's hard to count all of my mistakes I've made
I'm only human
Don't have the power to save the day, I can't
I'm only human
Nobody's perfect, I've been ashamed of things I've done
I need improvement, I need to work it
So many things for change to come
I'm only human
Like the girl on Instagram tryna show her body off to get more likes
Had a dude who got in trouble
'Cause his girl saw him hit the heart sign
Waking up, embarrassed
My manager pissed at me 'cause I was drunk on live
Last night on my phone doing blow
Like it's cool when I know it ruins lives
Several times it almost ruined mine, what a waste
Wanna lie like I'm doin' fine, but I ain't
Wanna quit before it's too late, pump the brakes
Insecure, I wanna lose weight, but I can't 'cause I drink socially
The only way that I can function
Dissing people in the public based off an assumption
When I should have called and had a one-on-one discussion
Disgusted, I'm cussing out someone I trusted
Guilty and the glove fit
Stuck in a rut, hit ignore the minute that my friends called
Last Christmas I was dissed, feeling pissed and I went off
Fuck I wish I didn't involve my in-laws
Fist's all swollen, giant hole inside a thin wall in my living room
And ever since it's been a pitfall
Really need my family
I don't never call them ask them how
They kids are, tell them I miss y'all
Can't ignore the insults, thought I had a thick skin
You could just unfollow me, don't gotta leave the ten cents
Caught up in this business and I don't really fit in
Call on my prescription to calm me down like Prince did
I don't got a spotter when I bench press all the pressure on my chest
Lost another friendship hopin' they forgive me, I forgive them
This wasn't my intention
I'm only human
It's hard to count all of my mistakes I've made
I'm only human
Don't have the power to save the day, I can't
I'm only human
Nobody's perfect, I've been ashamed of things I've done
I need improvement, I need to work it
So many things for change to come
I'm only human

Butterfly kisses 💋

Tiffany’s wedding Nov 2015

This picture came up in my memories last week and I cried because you can see the love radiating from my baby boy’s face and now after all that has happened to us in the past years he’s angry and sad and just not that same boy I raised but some boy others peoples hands have had in raising him. 😫😮‍💨😭

End note: look how beautiful I looked.

I plead insane

Ugh, I heard they lookin' for Tarrel
They gon' put him in a cell
Man, I should be doin' well
But I took another L
Put the clip into the pistol 'fore they pick it
Then I pull the city's sales
Buck a bullet, go to hell
You would swear that they been well
They never let me get my mail
Everyday a nigga yell
"When I get up out this motherfucker homie, I'ma come and ring yo bell."
Nigga, can't nobody tell
If I'm cocky or confident
Probably but obvious, not even competent
Medication, it will drop on the side of 'em
Doctor was not woke and I'd make a mock of it
I was sane as a newborn baby
But solitary came and my mantra is monstrous
Couldn't even call my father or mama
But fall to the point of the awkward anonymous
How did it
Get to the point where they givin' a nigga bologna sandwiches every day instead of burgers?
Now wicked
I pick a pen up and get up and then I get information and start plottin' out murders
Wild with it
Every CO we know he or she won't see home, I'm finna take 'em further
You now get it
Anybody that got at me really want me to help, hold, you finna get murdered
I don't wanna keep another grudge
I don't wanna see another judge
I don't wanna be the one to drop a couple people in the mud
Chopper with the beam, a nigga bust
How the fuck that means I'm gonna follow what I'm dreaming of because
I got a couple demons and they tough
They prolly wanna leave me on the bottom
But I'm bleedin' with the love
Then again, I gotta tell 'em how I'm feelin' when they ask
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
Insane
I don't wanna keep another grudge
I don't wanna see another judge
I don't wanna be the one to drop a couple people in the mud
Chopper with the beam, a nigga bust
How the fuck that means I'm gonna follow what I'm dreaming of because
I got a couple demons and they tough
They prolly wanna leave me on the bottom
But I'm bleedin' with the love
Then again, I gotta tell 'em how I'm feelin' when they ask
I plead insane
This that Prince of Egypt flow
Let my people go
Picked all peek-holes, boy that piece'll blow
Ain't no peace no mo'
Jeepers creepers, the police should know
He keep it like Iwo Jima though
Middle finger to a penal code
While I'm grabbin' on my big dick, that's my penal code
Got E, got weed and coke
Ain't nothing that we ain't seen befo'
One day gonna be exposed
How they really do they own people, to each his own
In the streets where demons roam
No Caesar but that's how I leave ya dome
If I need you
Even if I was at Remo Island, I couldn't be controlled
I done seen evil past this life
I done seen people sacrifice
I done seen people laugh at Christ
Like no such thing as an afterlife
I done seen people eat each other
And speakin' of, how's ya appetite?
I done seen reptilians in human form and morph forth and back at night
Tell me they got to, I speak, he's real
Real murder for God truth, I think we will kill
Tellin' me what, I gotta eat these pills ho
Is it a lot, if we think we feel
I feel like I really wanna delete these spills
Over the track, fuck the beat, he's ill
And maybe somebody will come and get me up out of this shit I'm in before the government leaves me killed
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
Insane
I don't wanna keep another grudge
I don't wanna see another judge
I don't wanna be the one to drop a couple people in the mud
Chopper with the beam, a nigga bust
How the fuck that means I'm gonna follow what I'm dreaming of because
I got a couple demons and they tough
They prolly wanna leave me on the bottom
But I'm bleedin' with the love
Then again, I gotta tell 'em how I'm feelin' when they ask
I plead insane

Constructive criticism?

I can handle critism as long as it is constructive and comes from a genuine position.

What I don’t accept; critism from an anonymous source or fake page. That’s when it becomes laughable.

What I don’t understand is why keep up with someone you don’t like? One thing, I’ve seen a lot. 1 not a single person has enquired about my mental health. I’m aware “my crazy is showing.” Well I have never hid it but duh, on purpose, it’s been that way on purpose since I started asking for help. I wonder if they think my mental state is because of the circus show? Oh how wrong they would be.

Please keep in mind how long I been alone and had people against me. That’s definitely not it. It’s the home front, actually. But they wouldn’t have any idea about unless I told you which I don’t because what’s the point?

What about my addiction? If you could actually hear me when I speak 🗣️ it’s not even as bad as assumed, leme guess I ain’t taking my meds either? Laugh out loud

But when it comes to my kids I lose my mind LITERALLY. There’s nothing I can do about it either. No support, nothing. And The problem is why I been in a dark place for months and when voices get called a fuck up and told good I was suicidal because of her. Now let’s add to that it’s being done to my 8 year old son and there’s nothing I can do to protect either one.

I spoke up, my voice doesn’t matter. No one believes me. I’m tired. So peanut gallery, what do you suggest? No wait I know, do everyone the favor right? Psh if only y’all were so lucky. I’ve attempted more than enough times to know better now.

Just in case my thoughts haven’t made sense. Stop judging me for doing my best to keep my sanity since my kids were taking from me and king I have no way out this situation and can’t protect my kids who depend on me always being there. I’m here trapped not being able to do anything but watch it happen that it’s self is torture. Especially when I’m so close to them and still can’t do anything.

And to think 🤔 “my priorities are fucked up” is an ignorant assumption for paying so close attention. I’m drowning here barely surviving cause my kids need me and without the choices I make I wouldn’t be here at all. Stop speaking on something you know nothing about. It makes you look ignorant and cruel. Fact check your information and get educated

Deja vu 😮‍💨😫

What do I do? Seriously  sincerely. asking what do you do when taking my kids already fucked met up mentally and is still currently because she used them against me. Now my sons mental health is being strongly affected. 

I raised these kids without the help of anyone’s input without any problem whatsoever VERY WELL. They were so good and respectful. Well as the end of last school year he’s been acting out. Uncontrollable anger in school. BUT where it stems from? Her and him wanting to be home with mama. Well that I am doing my best to handle. 

BUTTTT here’s the kicker. Yesterday my son was laying on the floor and said “he deserves to lay on the floor” UMMM WHAT???

Now I have always showed my kids their worth and even with them being taken made sure they knew that I loved them and never would leave them. They know who’s the one who got them. 

Back to the deja vu, once again I’m sitting here spiraling 🌀 and spiraling with no one to turn to about the situation to even TALK to about it. What do i do? Who do I turn to? Where’s my support team? Oh yeah I forgot I’m the bad guy.

She said she doesn’t want him to turn out like me. Mentally that is. Well let me inform her, he’s 8 and is already showing the signs of it and mine didn’t til I was 18.

Ending note- she never said anything to him about he belongs on the floor; but the way she talks to him (I’m not there so idk what she says) but I’ve heard her speak to them out of line and corrected her numerous times about not calling them stupid and stuff. 

Leaving this here🫡

The lie and truth

Life is ridiculous

Always told you

Mama always told me, Papa always warned me
Don't hang around with boys like you
Teacher always told me never to be naughty
Don't mess around with boys like you
Mama always told me, Papa always warned me
Don't hang around with boys like you
Teacher always told me never to be naughty
Don't mess around with boys like you
They talk a lot
Your friends say he's troublesome
"Don't do it, you'll get hurt"
But, they don't know where I'm coming from
'Cause if I do make you the one, I could never love another one
I'm just saying, give it a chance
I don't see what you're running from
Love is pain, love is risk
On the flip side, love is bliss
Honestly, let's go for this
Take a shot, not gonna miss
All started with just a kiss
I walked up and grabbed your wrists
Fast forward the crash course
Now we're here, imagine this (you know)
Love comes for a season or a reason
Some things you gotta know before you leavin'
Know this goes against everythin' you believe in
But, I'm crazy about you, this ain't pretend
Mama always told me, Papa always warned me
Don't hang around with boys like you
Teacher always told me never to be naughty
Don't mess around with boys like you
Mama always told me, Papa always warned me
Don't hang around with boys like you
Teacher always told me never to be naughty
Don't mess around with boys like you
Label me as a bad guy
Safe bet, I'm the anti
Chastise, throw dirt on me
That's how it is, don't ask why
But, everyone's got their opinion
But I don't know why cats lie
I would never let that fly
Honestly, I'm not that guy
Now, don't believe everything you hear
All these people wanna interfere
Fuck 'em all, it's our world
Can't let 'em get into here
We could really build something strong
Think where we could be in a year
You've gotta give me a fair chance
Before you tell me we're finished here
Already know you've been hurt before
Understand what you're afraid of
Talk sheep, actions speak
Let me show you, I'm demonstrative
We could rewrite the old stories
Let's get it started, let's get creative
'Cause I'm the one, honestly, loyalty is what I'm made of
Mama always told me, Papa always warned me
Don't hang around with boys like you
Teacher always told me never to be naughty
Don't mess around with boys like you
Mama always told me, Papa always warned me
Don't hang around with boys like you
Teacher always told me never to be naughty
Don't mess around with boys like you

FYI

1 I’m one of the most stubborn people I know. 2 I don’t take threats lightly.

AND thirdly.. I will never be part of a con, scam ect. That’s fraudulent and cheating yourself .

Let me let you in on the secret of this “game” being played. I know who’s who, what’s what and what I’m doing. I absolutely WILL not fall for some lame ass con that’s obvious from the moon.

Think I’m rude and mean? That’s on purpose I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE. YEAHHH I’m crazy but I can promise you this not 1 time someone said I was tripping was I ever tripping.

Now tell me this, could you do all of what you do, legitimately? No scams, hacks, or No? Ima go with no. No real names, made up “companies” Ayden and tooslow are just two I will mention. Ayden makes my soul burn and the right person knows exactly why.

And I quote “nothing you do will ever be enough”

When you live in a narcissistic dynamic, family, relationship, ect. Whatever it may be; nothing you do will be good enough for them.

I’ve always said that but after writing this blog my grandmother verified that statement.

Humanity

Save me from myself, I really need your help
I’m going under
Save me from myself, I don’t really want to wonder,
I’m going under

I don’t know if You can see me right now
through all the smoke
Plus I’m caught in my feelings right now
I’m losing hope
So I hope You take this serious now
Cause if You don’t
I won’t be around for You to hear year from now
God, I thought we were past this
Conversations all past tense
Bout to kill myself it’s that tense
Sick inside I can’t mask this!
I can’t mask this!!
I don’t care if what I do hurts You
I trade my evil for Your evil
Cause hurt people gone hurt people
Then turn around n say You’re evil


Save me from myself, I really need your help
I’m going under
Save me from myself, I don’t really want to wonder,
I’m going under

I don’t know if You can hear me right now
I lost my voice
From shouting cause I’m furious now
I got no choice
So I hope You take this serious now
Or the next noise
Is silence… while I close my eyelids
Thought You would never go
Yeah I know I said let me go
I didn’t think that You would let me though
Said I hate You, never meant it though!
I never meant it no!!
I didn’t know the road that I was on was wrong
I didn’t know that there was no going back
I didn’t know that it was bout life or death and not right or wrong
Nobody told that…


Save me from myself, I really need your help
I’m going under
Save me from myself, I don’t really want to wonder,
I’m going under

Yo… I hope you understanding me now
See this ain’t
About my life, this bout humanity now
And we can’t
See black or white, we must see family now
While the media blinding with hate
baiting us to take sides with tragedies how?
How God? How we get this lost??
Jesus! How we forget Your cross?!
Religion, Race, Politics, take a pick
Talk about it watch em split quick cause it piss folks off!
But this pissed me off!!
For the last time
We gotta change now we don’t have time
Flag flying, one Nation under God
Or we go under dog, flatline

Can’t cancel me

can't be canceled, there's no way that you can stop me 
I'm fully independent, there's no label who can drop me 
Y'all been starting rumors, let me help you with some, ya 
"I'm a racist, I'm a sexist, I'm in love with Donald Trump" 
Y'all can't cancel me, my life is scandal-free 
There ain't no sponsors taking losses 'cause the brand is me 
My hands are clean, my family and my fans agree 
Y'all can't cancel me for facts because you're mad and weak 
Go ahead and tell the world I'm ugly and racist 
I braid my hair, and I don't care about cultural appropriation 
I lived in the ghetto, lived in South Central, there's no Caucasians 
And still I loved every single one of my neighbors 
How's a man say I'm clickbait if he gonna use this face 
To get clicks on his page? Y'all hypocrites are bitch-made 
But I ain't tripping 'bout these bullies, it ain't sixth grade 
Go ahead and diss me, tryna sell a couple mixtapes

I'm not afraid, take my face and my name, paste it on the front page 
I'm already famous, and you'll never change it by hating or claiming you'll take it away 
My grind wicked, write my rhymes different, you could try to quantify, define limits 
There's a dying gimmick in denying winning, this is pure fire, this ain't white privilege 
I do what I want, get all the Gucci and Louis Vuitton 
Outta my closet, outta my crib, I do not want it, that is for kids 
That is for rappers who ask you to produce their beats for free, pretending online like they're rich 
I am not playing it safe, I said what I said, it is what it is

I don't care if you mad at me, okay? 
Go ahead and change the channel 
Don't waste your time tryna cancel me, okay? 
They love me 'cause they know that I'm an asshole 
Say what you want, I guess it is what it is 
Haters can talk, but they can't cancel the kid 
Go 'head and go off, try and say this is it 
But I swear to God you can't cancel the kid

Everybody knows my name from local folks to global fame 
I'm vocal 'bout the social justice movements, I expose the fakes 
Turn rappers into ghosts in graves, make no mistake, they bones will break 
I'll throw them in the wolf enclosure, slowly turn and close the cage 
Acres full of sheep, you know that I'm the only G.O.A.T., I'm great 
They spoke my name to mostly hate, I don't complain, I'm woke, I wait 
A total focused soldier, wrote the Art of War, know every page 
I'm numb to all the dumbness, smoke tobacco laced with Novocaine 
I won't behave, I stoke the flames, I'll choke they throats, with golden chains 
Use vocal cords as skipping ropes, and jump till I am soaked in brains 
From open plains to coastal waves, to solar rays in open space 
Can't find nobody doper 'less you poke your veins and snort cocaine 
Whoa, y'all can't cancel me 
Just get mad that I'm the man until you smash the screen 
Like whoa, I can handle heat 
I walked through hell in open sandals drinking gasoline, ya

I could've been a star, could've had a mansion and a car 
And a Grammy album on the charts, I'm a Savage Randy with the bars 
I don't rap 'bout Xanax, goddamn it, can't cancel facts, we need answers 
Championing trash to the masses actually massively damages, ya 
Keep tryna cancel me, ya, I own the masters, so ya 
I make the beats, I write the songs, I own the cameras, ya 
I could've been famous, dumbed my music down till it's basic 
Get it on the hottest Spotify playlist, modify my catalog and go mainstream, ya

I don't care if you mad at me, okay? 
Go ahead and change the channel 
Don't waste your time tryna cancel me, okay? 
They love me 'cause they know that I'm an asshole 
Say what you want, I guess it is what it is 
Haters can talk, but they can't cancel the kid 
Go 'head and go off, try and say this is it 
But I swear to God you can't cancel the kid

I feel like all these rappers lately on a mission 
They're starting drama, they don't really want no problems, so they talk in whispers 
Don't even start, no competition, y'all are finished 
They say they're feeling froggy, but I bet none of these frogs gon' ribbit 
They think I'm soft, but I promise y'all that I'm solid 
Like a rock inside a teflon box and dipped in carbon fiber liquid 
I'm not religious, but I'll walk with Christians 
If Jesus died for all my sins, he'd need a million crosses tall as buildings 
Whoa, y'all can't cancel me 
I'm a god and you're the devil, stop attacking me 
Like whoa, nails in my hands and feet 
Y'all some snakes, I don't eat fruit from that apple tree 
I ain't doing features or buying beats, I'm a wolf, I don't lie with sheep 
I am what I am, and I can't hide my teeth 
Way too many rumors, I'm like, "Who said it? 
Never met him; if he dissed me, probably 'bout to drop a new record"

I do what I want, don't matter if I get approval or not 
Y'all ain't gonna cyberbully me or try to push on me until I'm becoming some dude who I'm not 
Head full of ludicrous thoughts, producing the songs, my music is truth and you're brutally shocked 
I'm shooting my shot, I'm Biggie, I'm Shady, I'm new school 'Pac 
Go ahead and call me a piece of garbage, make a starving artist your primary target 
I'm the largest monster in the farthest darkness, now my claws are sharpened, I'm an army sergeant 
If people wanna hate, then I'm grateful, it's only gonna make what I say less painful 
Look at my face, embrace, I'm unstable, I ain't gonna break or shake or feel shameful

I don't care if you mad at me, okay? 
Go ahead and change the channel 
Don't waste your time tryna cancel me, okay? 
They love me 'cause they know that I'm an asshole 
Say what you want, I guess it is what it is 
Haters can talk, but they can't cancel the kid 
Go 'head and go off, try and say this is it 
But I swear to God you can't cancel the kid


Tom McDonald-canceled 

Pain that changes you.

Let’s talk about the kind of pain that changes you. 

First.. after 8 years building a life, future and family with someone, they do a complete 180 on you and no the same person you knew. 

They plan, conspire against you to kill you, torture, hold you hostage.

You see things you never thought you would ever even have to worry about seeing. Seeing unbelievable things that break your mind. You find out the written plan to kill you. 

I’m sorry I said pain. That’s not right. It didn’t hurt. It obliterated, destroyed me, but no it wasn’t painful. 

it was like dying but no darkness, no light, just silence and confusion.

But hold on there’s more

That alone changes you.

Once all the destruction is done and you finally end up leaving for good, everyone close to you either don’t care enough to ask and or ghosts at the time you need them the most. Still not done

After the second visitation weekend with their dad your daughter tells you “it makes me uncomfortable when daddy lays next to me” “daddy bathed me”(he never changed a diaper or bath from it being awkward) and that he touched her. Nope still not done. 

Your family doesn’t even care enough to even ask what happened. Man I should be done by now you’d think but nope let me continue.

I just won’t fit

When they can’t make you or break you they try and fit you in a box. First off, what box? Secondly, I won’t ever fit in anybox you try and fit me in.

They try and label me as this and that but that doesn’t make me that. The only label I accept is my name. They don’t like it when you stand up and speak out.

They’re scared of your strength and because your relentless, bounce back kind of soul. 

They hate they can’t manipulate you anymore. Keep doing what you do best. Don’t change.

You are the right one.

They try and ruin your name and credit.

Your character will be your leading factor. It out weighs them all put together.

Watch when everyone sees what they heard wasn’t true; that’s how a lie works in your favor.

It’s almost time. Remember don’t be sorry but stay humble. It’s all worth it and you will be given back 10 fold. You’ll win. You will be free. No more cage, your wings out and free. 

Just a little more fight. Your one your ancestors have been waiting for and your doing a great job.

Him

Respect

Everyone wants it very little give it. Same with honesty. These days people don’t know what loyalty is. Those three things are all I ask of anyone. Thats it. Loyalty, Honesty, Respect. You fuck up one you fuck all three. I have been so loyal I betrayed myself. But I no longer will let my loyalty disrespect myself ever again. Everyone loves the truth that comes out my mouth until it doesn’t suit them.

I’m not scared of the consequences of speaking the truth. 

See the truth became a tool for me.

When I was a kid I got called a pathological liar even when I was telling the truth.

So I started telling the truth about everything as a defense mechanism; as I got older it became so natural it was no longer a defense mechanism but who I was.

If you always tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

The truth is solid you can’t break the truth.

I never lie because I don’t fear anything. People only lie when they have something to fear.

How high my morals are it makes me very uncomfortable, sick feeling if you must to lie so I dont.

Never ask me to lie for you. I won’t even lie for myself.

Personal quote

Perfectly said

Just wanted to say FUCK those who ever put their hands on me, FUCK those who minimized my pain and gaslighted my experience, FUCK those who talk behind my back because they are scared of the truth, and FUCK those who blame me for shutting down as a child. FUCK all of you. I don’t need any unsolicited advice or opinions, just had to get that out real quick… part of my healing and grieving, I’m fine, everything’s fine.

Like magic

But I started a new one so there will be 4 coming 

Lost files

So I always hand write my blogs and more and I had 3 I wrote a couple weeks ago torn out the notebook to be able to come post and now they gone. Hmm, whatever they will pop up or I’ll just have new ones written

On a good 🗒️ talked to a genuine person through WP 🫠

You can’t tell what happens to all our kids within a parent’s absence

This song will get the people talking
So everybody quiet, please settle down
It's apparent like a mom and dad
That this song like Pac needs to get around
Now think about a ghetto child whose mom and dad are never found
So they get placed all day around to whoever now
And let's say it's all broken people around them
So their mirror a broken mirror soon is where they're headed wow
Like a chopper, I'll attempt to cover hella ground
Daycare and rent cost the same, check it out
So while you're training for a new job
Your baby is around people with no home training
Let me stress it now
If one in five girls or one in 20 boys gets assaulted
Sexually in America, that's hella wild
Not to mention if you do the math it means that there is somebody potentially around them that gets aroused
And due to strict nature that a parent has
If something happens to them they'll be scared to go and tell 'em how
Somebody violated them, it could be family or still a baby unable to speak, an undeveloped child
And what will soon develop all distorted views on sex on top of low self-esteem plus depression now
Even being withdrawn, suicide is where it led him, wild, is the picture starting to develop now?
Now picture every family's deep dark secrets that everyone fakes to forget about
And picture how the family reunions have to feel with your anxiety while you're faking hella smiles
Then picture the street code 'cause everybody's seen it
It don't matter if you're black, white, yellow, brown
And the prisons don't even have to let him out
Because of charges that you never filed on a pedophile
So many are hurt and take no action
The type of hurt that many don't come back from
So please be aware 'cause you can't tell what happens
To all our kids within a parent's absence
where was my mommy? Where was my dad?
(And the babies say) where was my mommy? Where was my dad?
(Let the children say) where was my mommy? Where was my dad?
(They were feeling like) where were my parents? Oh, I'm so sad
Ain't no telling the thoughts of an individual grown
When 90 percent of the life, the kid was alone
Where was your mom and daddy, not getting along?
And dating a bunch of strangers that enter your home
Embarrassing killers 'cause now your kid is exposed
They wanna be like you so now they get to indulge
The little ones see you constantly pick up the phone
And you forgot to set the parental controls
The more I think about it yo' my temperament grows
'Cause back then, informing us wasn't digital, bro
The men and women that did it were sickening, yo
With no computer to sit behind, it was physical bro
Because it happened to me and then think so many before
These are bars for the deserving of imprisonment, bro
And to think I was busy minding my business, you know
Playing Sega Genesis, eating a cinnamon roll
Damn, now my sex addiction it grows
Love isn't connected to it, it wasn't close
Too many relationships have ended in float
So my drive was for intercourse and I did it to cope
Riding 'round listening to Citizen Cope
About to burn a Penitentiary and it was the most
Vivid description that I can feel in my soul
'Cause it was more mental how I'm really engulfed
I gotta sickening soul dark, it was lit up before
But now it's rigid and dull, I gotta dip it in gold
As an infant, was immature, had to give up the ghost
I was robbed of my innocence, pennies ripped from my coat
This is the most intrinsic 'cause when you're ripping the flow
The tears I did when I wrote this, it was written in gold
To only be gotten by victims, you don't get it, you know
If you ain't been through it, quit your insolence, give 'em a poke
This is a dose, General 'So
So many are hurt and take no action
The type of hurt that many don't come back from
So please be aware 'cause you can't tell what happens
To all our kids within a parent's absence
where was my mommy? Where was my dad?
(And the babies say) where was my mommy? Where was my dad?
(Let the children say) where was my mommy? Where was my dad?
(They were feeling like) where were my parents? Oh, I'm so sad
Save the children, y'all
Save the children, y'all
Save the children, y'all
Save the children, y'all
Where was mommy? Where was my dad?
Where was mommy? Where was my dad?
Where was mommy? Where was my dad?
Where were my parents? Oh, I'm so sad

Real shit

Satisfied

Ugh 😑 a year ago

Ugh 😑 I hate this

How you going to lie like that

Ugh I hate memories

Welcome to the world baby girl

I can’t get ahead of myself

Think I'm addicted to bad news
Evervone I love ends up bein' stab wounds
Maybe they did what they had to
I'm better off alone or give me liquor and tattoos
I feel like nothin' takes the stress away (stress away)
This bible's promise send me better days (better days)
I give in my chest and I get led astray
So fuck these promises I said I'd never break
I pray for peace, yet I prepare for war I'm 24, but these tears could fill a reservoir You bitches think you know me, you don't
Throw a hundred million stones trying to break me, you won't (break me, you won't)
I can't get ahead of myself (myself)
I should try and better myself (myself)
But I'm drowning in the deep end And it feels like no one sees it
Someone, please give me a reason I should stay
Look, I thought I quit doin' dope for good Been smokin' cones of wood 'cause I I'm really wishin' I was drunk
I've become accustomed to the sober life
Overnight, took a year and nine months
Like it don't mean shit

Can’t be broken

Can’t be broken

Tired 🥱

Tired 🥱

I got these trust issues

You should probably do yourself a favor and just leave me alone
'Cause I don't even like most people I know
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I'ma keep it real I'm doing me I had to swallow my pride
'Cause I took a look around and seen they not on my side
I got these trust issues (it's not my fault either, baby)
Trust issues
I got these trust issues
Trust issues, yeah
Look I'm just being honest witchu
Those ain'tcha homies that shits artificial
They show you love when you leave the room
And then they start to diss you
These are the lessons that I have learned
And it gets hard to live through
'Cause I'm a fully automatic you a starter pistol
I caught a glimpse of reality once I started poppin'
And now I see the bigger picture but it's hard to watch it
They try to stop you by back stabbin' for minor profits
The fuckin' liars those guys are often disguised as offence
I spot a opps behind closed doors now I'm the locksmith
I'm on a flight to the tropics smoking inside the cockpit
Bitch I'm a problem, no math teacher could try to solve it
World on my shoulders, I'm bench pressin' entire continents
It's kinda funny how they act like I still owe 'em favors
Shit is motivation simply 'cause I'm going major
There's no debatin' now I'm Canada's best
So I guess it's up to you where on the atlas is next (it's Big Merk)
You should probably do yourself a favor and just leave me alone
'Cause I don't even like most people I know
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I'ma keep it real I'm doing me I had to swallow my pride
'Cause I took a look around and seen they not on my side
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I got these trust issues (I'm tryna tell 'em, man)
Trust issues, yeah
They show you love but it's only 'cause its a deeper meanin'
The lines are blurry I need a reason to see between 'em
They can't grasp that I been the reason they even eating
My phone's ringing they need a feature they see my remix
Give me a break I need a moment to myself
'Cause every single time I need a hand there's no one there to help
So I resort to self destruction I don't know nothing else
All that hopelessness I felt was almost like I'm thrown in jail
But I quit the complaining I'm trying to give you the basics
'Cause they don't really give a fuck it's just a picture they painted
I try not to believe it like it's a different occasion
But it's simple and plain it 
They'll use your friendship to gain shit
But it's unfortunate the more they get the more they play the part
They always say this shits for real but I can see they fake at heart
But I can give a fuck less
Now I'm better off alone
I just kick my fuckin' feet up
I ain't gettin off the throne, it's Big Merk
You should probably do yourself a favor and just leave me alone
'Cause I don't even like most people I know
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I'ma keep it real I'm doing me I had to swallow my pride
'Cause I took a look around and seen they not on my side
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I got these trust issues
Trust issues, yeah

Not a source of news but all I say is truth tho🫠

Verse]
I smack you right up out the Metaverse (Pow)
So hit the dirt when I get to work (Yeah)
Try to wrap your mind around it and your head will burst
Got them cell block bars, we in Leavenworth
Come in and conquer the game, got 'em on red alert
Living through this hell on Earth that we call reality
As we've come accustomed to these fuckin' abnormalities
Mandates and laws and having a fuckin' mask on me
No one thinkin' rationally, they lost the capacity
And as a free thinker im inevitably
Labeled a danger as they questioning my efficacy
I'm just here to say whatever I see
Stirrin' up a little vaccine hesitancy
Because celibacy's just the way that I think, 'cause I don't give a fuck (Naaa)
There ain't no gender fluidity with my dick and nuts (Nope)
Not to say that that's a problem, 'cause it isn't but
Don't we have some more important issues to be bringin' up?
I don't know, coming together against a common foe?
Instead of knockin' eachother down like we playin' dominoes (Shit)
The world economic forum, shit those fuckers gotta go
And fuck big pharma, but I like some of their products though (True)
I guess we're all just hypocrites at least a little bit
Even if it's something that y'all rarely ever will admit
But can we throw some self awareness on the syllabus and hold ourselves accountable?
Hmm, while y'all consider it
I'll call myself out right now and do it gladly
Yell "They'll never vax me!"
While I snort a thirty milly addy, and a xanny, so get at me
Say I contradict my own beliefs, yeah exactly
We all say stuff that conflicts what we do
You can say that I suck, guess what? So do you
There ain't a perfect person that anyone's ever knew
So I'll point this loaded gun at your point of view (Pow)
How 'bout the kids these days, always holdin' those phones
Like I'm not level thirty nine on Pokemon Go
I'm a hypocrite, so let me say it again
I just smoked a couple boagies on the way to the gym
Yeah, I live like a heathen
God's someone I don't really believe in
But ask for his help when I got a reason
Put up fifty grand last year to protect the animals in an African region, but I'm not a vegan (Sorry)
Shit I love a good burger, don't blame me (Don't)
Even climate change can't change me (No)
2022 new year, same me, same motherfuckin' gang baby, EightyHD
Keep the flow fresh while the critics take apart
Every single word that don't align with what they say is art
Fuck a music chart, my music already made a mark
I'm Megalodon, y'all do-do-do baby shark
So pull 'em up, go and show my stats
All these years that I've been grindin' 'til I broke my back
My words spark reaction, shout out to No Life Shaq
Haters chirp and I don't write back
I'mma take over the map, Connecticut to Iraq
Shit I'm running for the office of presidency of rap
Kissin' babies, shakin' hands like an Nintendo rumble pack
Fuck the competition, never cut 'em slack
Yeah I cook 'em up like Artie Bucco
And serve 'em with Prosciutto
Pushin' all the snakes out my circle, I keep it sumo
Do not come around if your deficiency's immuno
I'm (*coughs*) the sickest motherfucker you know
Playin' every card in my hand 'til I'm yellin' Uno
Not a source of news but all I say is truth though
Let's go Brandon, yell it from the roof, yo
Shout to my Canadian fans, but fuck Trudeau
I'm Cujo, and you could never tie me on a leash
I'm that shadow banned bandit, they can't silence what I speak
Fuck a tyrant, I'm a beast
I'm a giant, hit the sirens when I slide up on the beats
Then like ivy on the trees, see them numbers growing up, and all without a deal
Living proof that there gon' always be a market for the real
Motherfuck the algorithms tryna target how you feel
Fuck your partisan arguments, I'm the hardest on the field
And I hit another three pointer from the half-court
Nothin' but some net, I don't even hit the backboard (Swish)
Rap game vet, here to give 'em what they ask for
'til I get whacked by CIA task force
'Cause they know the way I flip on whacks
And kill all rappers, yeah I never miss on that
Wednesday before last but we still on track

No 🫣

No see I’my

I might be honest, I am astonished
When I'm reading what you typin', it's like you really hooked on phonics
Fuckin' ebonics, message coming through like you really want it
I am bionic, whenever I palm it
See the light is coming at you like comets
And right through your bonnet, make your mama vomit
But you runnin' from me like you was Sonic
Why they invisible when it really hit the fan, damn chickens?
I'ma let you know why, 'cause I got the blam-blam kickin'
With the clan, man, listen, get the fam-bam trippin'
You become what a Muslim think of a ham sandwich in a Imam 'lam kitchen
Saying to myself, when I see him I'ma heat 'em because I can't stand bitchin'
Vietnam ambition
Land to himself, I'ma bleed him if I meet him, and from the land transition
Talk a lot online, never meet up with us
Cleaver this fuck
But you won't show 'cause you're the beaver, you're bust
Feed you the dust
Go grieve 'em as I walk with more freedom
But it would be magical to grab the foe
I had to show but no see umz (where y'all at?)
We outside, we don't see 'em (where y'all at?)
They just talk, no see umz (where y'all at?)
Man up, show yourself, don't run and hide now (uh)
Show me what y'all 'bout, I wanna find out (yeah, look, look)
No see um
We been outside and you haters been stuck in your Google search
We been here, taking these flights 
Doing shit that you only could see up on Google Earth
But if it's one thing I'ma do, then I'ma do the work
If you was hopin' that I failed, then get your feelings hurt
'Cause motherfuckers try to blackball me, try to pass on me
But I'ma get every fuckin' thing that I been deserved
Like booyah, you bitch, you
Always got a magazine for the issue
But this ain't shit you flip through
You all bark, no bite, you shitzu
Y'all thought that I was braggin', I ain't did it yet
I been killin' everything and I'ma get the benefits
Card ain't got no limit but I'm finna pay with Benjamin's
Haters hating on me but I never shared the sentiment
Look, bitch, better yet
Cord obsidian, light another Phillie and
Hit another city and get another bitty and
Skin tone cinnamon, bitches really winning and
Snowstorm hit again
Boy, I'm really doing this shit, no photo-op
Snow still going off, somewhere out in Bogota
Jammin' to some Don Omar, bank like "Como estas"
With a bad bitch that don't even need no photoshop
Boy, I'm really doing this shit 'cause I been that
Been broke, came up, never went back
Way I'm movin' internationally'll give you whiplash
I been having money talks, what the fuck's a chit-chat?
Please don't hit my line tryna get a reply like I owe you a why, 'cause I don't
And fuck all you haters 'cause I'm fresh outta favors
I already helped y'all when I was broke, bitch (where y'all at?)
We outside, we don't see 'em (where y'all at?)
They just talk, no see umz (where y'all at?)
Man up, show yourself, don't run and hide now
Show me what y'all 'bout, I wanna find out
No see um
We're just mindin' our business
We ain't botherin' nobody
Then we get the word, that y'all talkin' shit
Then we go out, we don't see you motherfuckers, nigga
Where y'all at?
We outside, we don't see 'em (where y'all at?)
They just talk, no see umz (where y'all at?)
Man up, show yourself, don't run and hide now
Show me what y'all 'bout, I wanna find out
No see um
We all over the world though
Y'all know where we be at
But y'all keyboard warriors, we no see umz
Nowhere we go

Imagine

This was hell

Slim Katie

Man, whatever

Dre, just let it run
Ayo, turn the beat up a little bit
Ayo, this song is for anyone...
Fuck it, just shut up and listen, ayo
I sit back with this pack of Zig-Zags and this bag
Of this weed, it gives me the shit needed to be
The most meanest MC on this on this Earth
And since birth I've been cursed with this curse to just curse
And just blurt this berserk and bizarre shit that works
And it sells and it helps in itself to relieve all this tension
Dispensing these sentences, getting this stress
That's been eating me recently off of this chest
And I rest again peacefully
But at least have the decency in you
To leave me alone, when you freaks see me out
In the streets when I'm eating or feeding my daughter
To not come and speak to me
I don't know you, and no, I don't owe you a mothafuckin' thing
I'm not Mr. N'Sync, I'm not what your friends think
I'm not Mr. Friendly, I can be a prick if you tempt me
My tank is on empty, no patience is in me
And if you offend me, I'm lifting you ten feet in the air
I don't care who was there and who saw me just jaw you
Go call you a lawyer, file you a lawsuit
I'll smile in the courtroom and buy you a wardrobe
I'm tired of all you, I don't mean to be mean
But that's all I can be, it's just me
And I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, every day I am
Radio won't even play my jam
'Cause I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, every day I am, huh
I don't know, it's just the way I am
Sometimes I just feel like my father
I hate to be bothered with all of this nonsense, it's constant
And, oh, it's his lyrical content, the song Guilty Conscience
Has gotten such rotten responses
And all of this controversy circles me
And it seems like the media immediately points a finger at me
So I point one back at 'em, but not the index or pinkie
Or the ring or the thumb, it's the one you put up
When you don't give a fuck, when you won't just put up
With the bullshit they pull, 'cause they full of shit too
When a dude's getting bullied and shoots up his school
And they blame it on Marilyn and the heroin
Where were the parents at? And look where it's at!
Middle America, now it's a tragedy
Now it's so sad to see, an upper-class city
Havin' this happenin'
Then attack Eminem 'cause I rap this way
But I'm glad, 'cause they feed me the fuel that I need
For the fire to burn and it's burning, and I have returned
And I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, every day I am
Radio won't even play my jam
'Cause I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, every day I am
I don't know, it's just the way I am
I'm so sick and tired of being admired
That I wish that I would just die or get fired
And dropped from my label, let's stop with the fables
I'm not gonna be able to top on "My Name Is"
And pigeon-holed into some poppy sensation
To cop me rotation at rock-n-roll stations
And I just do not got the patience
To deal with these cocky Caucasians
Who think I'm some wigger who just tries to be black
'Cause I talk with an accent, and grab on my balls
So they always keep asking the same fucking questions
What school did I go to, what hood I grew up in
The why, the who, what, when, the where and the how
'Til I'm grabbing my hair and I'm tearin' it out
'Cause they driving me crazy, I can't take it
I'm racin', I'm pacin', I stand and I sit
And I'm thankful for every fan that I get
But I can't take a shit in the bathroom
Without someone standing by it
No, I won't sign you an autograph
You can call me an asshole, I'm glad, 'cause...
I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, every day I am
Radio won't even play my jam
'Cause I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, every day I am
I don't know, it's just the way I am

share this story

I knew when

I knew you weren’t really my friend when you brought me alcohol when I haven’t drank in a decade and on a down ward spiral

I knew you betrayed me when I read your blog

I knew you were a monster when you destroyed me with a hard on

I knew you were never going to change when you got worse. That was my blessing you would have killed me

Idk you. Can I say I ever did? How could you electrocute someone for no reason?

I knew you loved me when you seen me at all worsts of me. Psychopath, at my most broken, healed and broken again and never switched up on me. You will always be my nigga nmw but I love you

When you showed your true face and i cut you off I didn’t know what you were capable of doing fuck you

I knew y’all weren’t solid when you only disrespected my boundaries and only came around when convenient for you

I knew I was alone when after 32 years I screamed for help while drowning and no one batted an eye.

I knew I was different when I didn’t want revenge but let god handle it because I’m not the judge.

I knew I healed enough to release our connection without more healing and no desire for anything and don’t even feel the bond.

I knew I was triggered when I get hyperventilate and tense

I only knew who I was because of who I am not and finding myself again, and again, and AGAIN.

My remedy

Fun facts you can get to know me better by my music more than a blog, memes, a half ass attempt of conversation. Stalking me, ect. Music is more than therapy for me. It’s a life source.

If you don’t like Kevin’s gates or tech n9ne cause they “weird” don’t come here. Stupid weird.

I listen to a lot but mostly artists people don’t listen to either not knowing them or just not liking them cause they weird, or controversial, real.

I miss having someone to share music with. But not anyone specific just anyone. But as long as I got music I’m good nmw

My verdict

Unless we talking about the legal system I am no longer interested in trying to prove my innocence. Tbh NO ONE should have to prove their innocence in such a manner. I don’t give up cause I’m guilty or anything but because I’ve come to realize MFS don’t care about the truth not bottom line right and wrong. Some people just have little to no morals I guess?

I will continue to write because I do this for a reason not for my audience. I write for the real abuse survivors and the ones who really do struggle with their mental health. That’s why what I write is raw and the hard truth and not fiction. I stay transparent with my writings because I’m not the only one who struggles with specific issues, situations, points of view and/or mind states. Sometimes you can’t properly support someone in a situation that you never been through. There are some things I have yet to write about because I, myself have yet fathom the ordeal and/or know enough of the facts to do so.

🥴🫠😂

I guess I’m glad I could inspire others to write blogs like I was inspired to do, but that’s where I stop with kudos. False narratives and fake names take away from the supporting person. I don’t get that; if you do something your proud of why not put your name on it and own it? Never understood that part. Especially when you get published.

Joker 🃏

Give me the beat and a mic, give me the freedom to write
Give me the vision to see my demons and beat 'em at night
Give me the pen and the pad, give me a couple of stans
Gave you a percentage but I'm taking home all of the bag
Give me definitive and unlimited amounts of people loving me
And call upon everybody who came before and tell them to come
And inject me with whatever they're smoking man, I'm sick!
But I think you know that already
You call me evil but how would you know it
Unless you live it already?
You think you're better right?
Because nobodies seen what you've done in the dark
But if I put your life in this light
You would crumble and fight to survive or die
But bitch I fucking knew that already
I ain't special
But I specialize in making you feel especially stupid
For judging a human, while you sit at home
And the whole world judge can't watch what you doing
Or follow and hate all your movements
I ain't complaining but I know the people who do it
Are sicker than me, and I'm sick enough I just might lose it
Yeah, you think you know me 'cause you double tap on a picture
I hate the fact that you judge me, it's driving me crazy
So when it's too deep I say, "Fuck it" and drown in some liquor
I write these verses in blood, I got chapters
For days 'cause my heart is my biblical scripture
And I ain't a prophet but I can predict
That you'll never catch happiness till you're the pitcher
So please continue to laugh
If I'm a clown, you a circus act
When I rap it's in a surgeons mask
'Cause I place every syllable in a deliverable fashion
From first to last
Then cut back with a message that's hidden in melody
Making them think and ask
If I was the one on the table pushing, giving birth to rap
Maybe it was me
Maybe you like all my music but don't really actually love me
Maybe you just want a picture
Maybe you just want to see me 'cause you need some money
Maybe you think that I'm happy
Maybe you think in reality liking my post is repairing a hole
When it's actually shaking and cutting the soul right out of me
I think I'm sick
I feel a rush of emotion whenever I post up a pic
I got a problem
I'm in the studio rapping while this girl is sucking my dick
She cut a hole in my heart now I fill it with women
Who love me 'cause they think I'm rich
And if I be honest I just told a bitch that I care
But I really do not give a shit
So what's your excuse, what helps you sleep?
You leave a negative comment
Not knowing that what you sow, you will reap
I bet you smile when you post, thinking you're hurting me
But you see the way the brain works
You become what you speak
I need peace, but y'all can't offer that
I held my ground, I didn't sell my soul
I said fuck the fame, y'all can't take that offer back
Fuck a shelf, you can't take me off the rack
All the fame is not worth a heart attack
You're insane, you're in pain, I can tell by what you're saying
But my bad, I forgot you were fragile
I forgot someone who doesn't even know me told you I'm an asshole
I forgot that I'm a villain
I forgot that I've always spread positivity, but you think I didn't
I forgot that hatred stems from people who hate their own existence
I forgot I'm better off alone
I forgot I care for everyone's happiness, but forget about my own
I forget I spend every waking second on my phone-
Come join my circus, I'm recruiting
I'm taking everyone who passes judgement
Bitch, that's including everyone who thinks it's so amusing
To put me down while I'm pursuing
The keyboard warriors that live online
Behind a screen that's just an illusion
Come, come, come, come join my circus
You fucking pricks
I'll fuck you till you love me, then pay you to do some tricks
I don't need a doctor, I need a bag of nails and bricks
To lay down on the floor
So if you fail to land a flip you can feel what I felt
When you tried to come sink my ship
Let me explain, you all help me financially gain
But I spend my money on mental health books
And read them just to control all my pain
I don't wear clothes, but bought this chain
And just like you this chain is fake
I wear it to distract you from the blatant sadness
Written on my fucking face
What'd you expect?
Did you think I was immune to what you were saying
And didn't see all of the disrespect?
Do you think I'm not human, have no feelings?
Or maybe you think I'm fucking weak and now I'm pleading
Maybe you think I'm just too good
And that I'm fucking cheating?
Or maybe, just maybe
You're blind and the hate inside your heart
Clouds your eyes and your mind and your ears when I rhyme
Even though we all know I'm one of the best of all time (all time)
Or maybe you're just a fucking bitch and I can't-
Stop comparing me to people who are not in my league
Stop saying I don't believe in God just because you can't read
Stop making fake profiles so you can spam my feed
I'm not alone, I know there's millions out there just like me

share this story

Merky-ky-ky

My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop
I tell your girl to link me at the coffee shop
Gettin' freaky in the sheets, we're takin' body shots
Then I finish with a facial just to top it off (ayy)
My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop
I tell your girl to link me at the coffee shop
Gettin' freaky in the sheets, we're takin' body shots
Then I finish with a facial just to top it off (ayy)
You ain't got a clue, let's be honest
I had a couple seeds, I made a forest
I put in the work and take the profit
Lookin' at my girl like "What a goddess" (thank God)
Rule number two, don't make the promise
If you can't keep the deal then just be honest (just be honest)
I could never die, I'm Chuck Norris (Chuck Norris)
Fuck the government and fuck Boris (yeah)
I'm a villain, killin' when I'm barrin'
Brothers in the hood just like the movie that I star in
Servicin' my whip, I phoned the boss to bring my car in
I could probably take your chick, but I just wouldn't 'cause she's jarrin', oh
I got the sauce (sauce), don't know what you thought (thoughts)
Catch me up in the snow in my sliders and my shorts (shorts)
Chicks tryna get my brother Flipz to share his thoughts
I think he's tryna tell me I should tell her he don't talk
I don't fuck with her
Yeah, I used to hit it but you're stuck with her
Man, I wouldn't even try my luck with her
Gyal say I'm bougie (word), way too exclusive (word)
Chillin' in Dubai know I get it all inclusive (word)
Now may I ask if you can find it in your spirit (yeah)
To leave us all alone and go and mind your fuckin' business
Lookin' in the mirror sayin', "Mikey, you're the illest" (yeah)
When I'm James Bond, tryna live my movie like I'm Idris
So we telling 'em look
My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop (ayy)
I tell your girl to link me at the coffee shop (ayy)
Gettin' freaky in the sheets, we're takin' body shots (ayy)
Then I finish with a facial just to top it off (ayy)
My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop (ayy)
I tell your girl to link me at the coffee shop (ayy)
Gettin' freaky in the sheets, we're takin' body shots (ayy)
Then I finish with a facial just to top it off (ayy)
My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop
So much Vossi I might open up a Vossi shop
Mummy sayin' that I need to get some sleep
All this flyin' overseas is always fuckin' up my body clock
And all this stress has got me wrackin' at my brain (ayy, ayy)
So tell these likkle fishes back up off my name (ayy, ayy)
I ain't gotta be a rapper with a chain
Cah the rules are kinda different when you're baddin' up the game (straight)
Baddin' up the game, bad it up again (yeah)
Had 'em up before, have 'em up again (yeah)
Fake bruddas, man, your mandem will pretend (yeah)
Pussy by himself, he's battlin' with his friends
Aww, you man are so insecure, man, it's a joke (man, it's a joke)
I need a Ballon D'or, 'cause I'm the GOAT (still the GOAT)
If you believe in your source then raise a toast (raise a toast)
These are some genius thoughts so make the most
Told her "Save me some"
I need all the homage, could you pay me some?
Man a droppin' bangers on your baby mums
Gyals say I'm rude (word), they wanna see me nude (word)
My name stiff chocolate, I got nothing left to prove
I got holes in my lapel, rubbin' shoulders with your girl
Which one of, said that I would go to jail? (wah?)
Well, I guess you have to hold a L
Tell 'em "This is London city, we the hottest in the world"
What we tellin' 'em? Look
My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop (ayy)
I tell your girl to link me at the coffee shop (ayy)
Gettin' freaky in the sheets, we're takin' body shots (ayy)
Then I finish with a facial just to top it off (ayy)
My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop (ayy)
I tell your girl to link me at the coffee shop (ayy)
Gettin' freaky in the sheets, we're takin' body shots (ayy)
Then I finish with a facial just to top it off (ayy)

Music 🎶

There’s nothing much of my past I miss. Music tho I do. Not music it’s self, I still got that. Thank god.

I miss listening to music with someone. Not necessarily the same ones from the past but in general. 

NOW there is one I used to listen to Spotify with I would

But only if we listened my way, my music.

The shit you could understand me better by than A BLOG, conversation, being stalked, hacked and spied on. 

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=yNjWAjXTryE&feature=share

If you would like to listen to a playlist of mine just ask. I got a good one for you to understand me better

Spirit -jhus

Heightened

Heightened 🫡

To share certain stories with the world about things I'd usually hide
At first I was apprehensive, but I feel like I'm not the only one
To have this going on inside, so
Here it is, it's called "Heightened"


Exterior I'm angel baby, ain't no crazy
Everyone get along with me
And even the other gang don't hate me
It may appear to you that I can't go shady
And the fame sho' made me a favorite, hey there is an internal tangle lately
It's like this feeling that for so long I've been concealing
When wrong is done to me, the thoughts I have are quite chilling
Hunger within to incite killing
Evil comes and my soul is lost
Outside I'm smilin', inside I'm bitin' noses off
You're dealing with imagination of the coldest frost
If I so get crossed in a hole, it caught, and dismembered
If pricks hindered a quick-tempered
Sick member, it enters in my sixth chak', worse than Hitchcock
Thinking zip-locked if this knots distraught
Demons lucky 'cause so far I've kept it contained
Not a soul has seen my inner wicked unchained
Decievers when losing their life to me is mundane
Out is bright, the sun came and it's plumb bane
Hard times ain't no way to get softer tones
When the appointment is getting Tech doctored on
They said my health is headed when death knocks, you're gone
High cholesterol and real low testosterone!
Now I'm frightened
The self-inflicted noose around my neck is tightened
The doctors told me not to worry be enlightened
An incision made up on my butt, they were slicin' ten pellets now I'm heightened!
With this extra boost thinking I can't let the juice
Bring what's in me forward and let Lecter loose
So don't step to uce with all except the truth
Your chickens next to roost and I be pressed to shoot off the handle
Stepping incorrectly to me now is such a gamble
Encephalon is now in shambles
Difficult tryna muffle an evil exposure
With people my only concern is keeping my composure
Good is in my soul, but I'm feeling no control
This energy within me multiplying tenfold
So don't come disrespectful or you might just be the chose
By this walking ticking time-bomb come too close I might explode

Real shit. No cap

I made a post already talking about this but I guess I got to do it again clearer.

No one and I mean no one has a chance with me and I’m clear AF when I say it to all guys.

With that being said…

Ohhhh

Ohhh karma is a mf

I don’t come round me ima bust whoever ass 🤬

Headcase🫡

Look I ain't one to be fake
I ain't nothing I'm not
I ain't come from the hood but still was running from cops
Still hung with the dealers, had the stuff in the pots
When I lived in the shot, they had the stuffed in the socks
I done been in the trap, posted up on the block
Had a tussle with SWAT, undercover were opps
I done been in the whip when niggas busting them shots
While I was in this bitch, this ain't nothing to watch
Y'all don't care what I'm saying, y'all just want me to drop
Y'all just want me to rap, y'all just want me to rock
Y'all just want me on stage, y'all just want me on tour
Gotta run it by the boss, a little lyrical more
I'm here to even things up, maybe settle the score
I be going through your fridge 'fore you enter the door
Pull myself a little Jack and put my feet on your couch
I don't want your fucking bitch, I come endearing your house
But the homie said he with it, now he beating her down
I just thought of playing music, I'ma need this shit loud
Y'all gon' feel this fucking shit with all the speakers around
Trying to irritate the neighbors I be making him proud
Y'all know Burn was in the building, fuck did y'all niggas think
Brought the table and some biddies, I said my nigga wait
And we gon' throw illegal parties at somebody's estate
Let's go buy some canvases and let's get JL to paint
Matter fact, my nigga owe me couple pictures a friend
Deano Martin send me Davis, y'all can hail to the Swank
Don't forget my nigga Henny, that's what he like to drink
Enablin', that's crazy, that's our way of showin' our thanks
I done made some mistakes, filled with anger and hate
I ain't nobody hero, I ain't hidin' a cape
24-carat manic depression violent as Frank
Some shit I just be saying cause it's exciting to say
Y'all heard

Gim– Gimme all the smoke (Gimme all the smoke)
Gim– Gimme all the smoke (Gimme all the smoke)
Gim– Gimme all the smoke (Gimme all the smoke, huh)
Fuck– Fucking with a maniac, a head case

 ain't wanna be fake, I ain't nothing I'm not
I got this reputation for always fucking with thots
They always showing me love when I'm out in the spot
They wanna peck or a hug, they wanna buy me a shot
I tell her I want Patrón, she said they out of they stock
Well we can fuck up the club or just go back to your spot
I said well try me at all, I just got off the clock
So that's about three or four, you gon' be ready or not
Well umm, I'm thinking nah, I thought of something instead
How 'bout I call Uber and go and cuddle my bed
Get your swisher and zippo and snuggle up with the meds
She said who are you, I told her they call me Trouble my dear
Look I ain't one to be needing no introduction I fear
I don't speak on it, hear it, or see discussion in here
Ain't no Taven E. Johnson or Chad Buxton in here
This is Joey and Burna they bout to fuck it in here
A whole bucket, the world been overflowin' or somethin'
I been workin' on cutting, showing emotion as much
I done opened and closed it and opened and closed it enough
I need real fucking people only to show me (What's up?)
I put the Swank on the dead, six to eight in the whip
It be chaos around me, I'm just taking a sip
Cool, calm, and collected, y'all mistake it and trip
I am racing, and respected, now I'm taking these trips
I done fucked up bad, wrongdoing to many
I was stuck in my ways, I blame that on my 20's
I been trying to change, but the devil gon' tempt me
Paranoia for real, think they out there to get me
Y'all heard

I want a whole lot of weed with some Jack D
Pocket full of Benji's with a cold piece
Told a– told a bitch I put her in the friend zone
Me, my niggas, yeah we hit it for the endzone
Give me all the smoke, watch me mandate
On you avatars, check the landscape
Want an animal, shake the deadweight
Said you fucking with a maniac, a head case

Trust

Pull out my legal pad and jotted all my pain down
Attempted suicide, I tried to blow my brains out
Transportation made illegal, cash on Grayhound
Don't like the bus no more, I travel on the train now
Travel on the train now
Don’t like the bus no more, I travel on the train now
Travel on the train now
Don't like the bus no more, I travel on the train now
Just know my presence done got heavy
Please don't think of me no more
New collective in perspective
This ain’t nothing like before
On location I been slangin' cocaina, I'm on tour
Yoga poses made intentions to surrender on the floor
Released the tention from my shoulders, ain't no settling the scores
As I grew older, heart got colder, love don't live here anymore
Love don't live here anymooore
Love don't live here anymore
Thought I saw the finish line, but ain't no finish in this race
My feet hurting every day, barely sleeping, I been pacing
Back and forth, back and forth
Can’t move forward, goin’ in circles, travelin' back and forth
If home’s where the heart is then I ain't got nowhere to stay
Maybe one day find a place, searching for a new escape
Nothing's makin' sense as of late, this how I’m knowing imma be okay
I done got in shape, doing great
Disregard my emotional state
Gratitude - I done found a way to smile, even though I had a bunch ah hard days
Ay, free Finesse2Tymes, Ricky Handle
I'm riding a rental car, ouh
Strap in my lap with that iron, I deliver raw
Gutter up under me, all of these players around and they honor me
Winners are made to win
My grandmother loved me, she say I'm amazing with it
I made a great decision
Upright, independent, I'm standing on nation business
Shout out my brother Slim, can't take what we was, like flip on above the rim
They put me in jail for it, although I was innocent
Sat in the cell for it
Guess I done learn my lesson
Button go "Ehh" - closin the cell door
I turn me some treasure to cash, I went bought her ass and she bought me a bag
Now we advancing enhancing the swag, when I'm up in the racks imma get some Chanel for her
I can't complain, 'cuz I made a bunch of mistakes with the women I fell for
Blessings came circling over my head
I see em hovering
Praise to Allah, gazing up at the stars, I know he cover me
I say a prayer and it comfort me
Don't let this come up from under me, huh
All these players around and they honor me
All these players around and they honor me

Who’s ya daddy?

You know who you never hear about from me? My “father” why? Not because I got daddy issues. He was the first man to show me I never needed one. He wasn’t a deadbeat in the normal sense. He was there, I lived with him from the ages 13-16 and they had joint custody of me all the time before then. He tried to love me but resented my mom too much he couldn’t. At 13 I chose to live with him instead of moving to another state. Yeah I lived there but we really didn’t have a relationship. My step mom tried more than he did but she was just trying to “buy” my love but I saw that and played it out. In the house there was a yours, mine, and ours with the 3 girls. Can you guess which one was the odd ball? Yeah that’s right me. I hated it all but also felt the same way about my mom. Of course I was rebellious but also smart enough to keep quiet. When I was 15 I started dating someone of another race. Now I don’t see color and I hate racism. Tiger(that’s his name) was your cliché racist man. Some of the things he did was just unnecessary. Like my bus driver was black, same driver the whole 3 years. He would back up and turn around in our driveway EVERYDAY, it was routine. but all of a sudden one year we pull up to the house and hanging on the flagpole was a new flag. A rebel flag with deer on it. Yeah that’s no cool. Late my junior year my step sister flips on me and 1 makes up the most ridiculous lie ever. My boyfriend and his friends were waiting at Walmart to beat him up. Let me list the reasons why the lie is so far fetch. 1 my friend brought me home after school. 2 tiger NEVER picked me up from school(that’s why I would have been at Walmart) 3 none of us was ever worried about Tiger especially enough to “want to beat him up” because he was that clueless about it. Well that started a silent treatment for a couple weeks and after being ignored like I was a ghost I called my mom seeing my living options because this was not a good situation. Well of course I wasn’t like “hey I’m talking to mom about moving.” So when he found out I was talking to her “behind” his back he felt more played then anything and one day when I got off the bus he was at the end of the driveway and told me get in the truck and dropped me off at the end of my grandma’s driveway “like the trash I was.” That was in February. Well I moved to Houston with intentions to move to my grandmas that summer. Summer came and I didn’t want to move back. That October my great grandpa died and AT THE BURIAL, my littlest sister turned to try and I assume talk to me. She was about 10ish. They grabbed her arm and snatched her around and said don’t talk to her. I was the only one who seen it happen.

Now I did have 2 wonderful make figures in my life. My grandpas. Well when pa(my heart) the one person to make me cry about anything would always tell me I needed to apologize. For years he told me that because I didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth. Well finally after so long I had to tell him why I wasn’t going apologize. He understood fully and it actually broke his heart and he was mad at his son. Well he still wanted for him us to make amends so being a bigger person I sent both Tiger and Beth a text. Owning my shit and forgiving them for theirs. Of course I meant it but for Pa not for them. Well as aspected no response. Not because I had the wrong number after years. Here’s their response. We’re in 2017 and my ex comes home and tells me that my step mom told his mom at the dealership where she worked that they washed their hands with me.

Now let me one say.. how did they even know who each other was? No clue. 2 how did I come up? Also.. my should have been in-laws ALSO hated me because I was every thing they couldn’t control.

I mean to Tiger I was just a pawn, when I was 10-12 years old he told me I was a mistake and showed me the test results later that day. WELL IN 2013 Pa told me the real story about that.

I was 2 years old when my grandpa found out about me. And being the family they were he wanted Tiger to know for sure. (Tiger and my granny knew) so they did the dna test. Then my grandpa saw me. When he seen me he said he didn’t need to get a dna test because I looked identical to Tiger no mistake.

Not me

Now who gon' pop me?
Who gon' pop me?
Bunch of niggas in here lookin' like, "Not me"
Bunch of lookin' ass niggas I do not see
Got my slimes in this bitch and they got me
Bunch of niggas with me lookin' like, "Copy"
Bunch of lookin' ass bitches tryna watch me
No Itachi
Bitch, I'm rollin' like my nigga on Degrassi
Now who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Bunch of niggas in here lookin' like, "Not me" (Yeah)
Yes, I'm stuntin' on these niggas, let the opps see (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Put some money on my head, but your shooter missed
But you know karma is a bitch just like you a bitch
Walked in the pet store said, "Get me a cobra"
Gotta keep your friends close, enemies closer
You know wifey from Australia, she said, "Cheers, mate"
Then we toast and see how you niggas tears taste
Mix the soda and Codeine, that's a mixtape
And if you hatin', come and say it to my dick, face
But who the fuck want war? No one so far
Two cups, no straw, buss down, show paused
No medicinal 'cause I'm sick, I'm 5'5"
Them Balenci's made me 5'6"
It's my shit, nigga, smell it
I'm in the Koenigsegg, nigga, spell it
What they sellin'?
I'm goin' turbo, yeah
Stompin' on a nigga turf just like a turtle, yeah
Heard you got your own wave, no surfboard, damn
Told her, "Give me dirty head, no shampoo"
I like my blunt Remy thick, no capoose
Talkin' shit and it taste like apples
Fuck rappers
Now who gon' pop me?
Who gon' pop me? (Huh)
Who gon' pop me? (Huh)
Bunch of niggas in here lookin' like, "Not me"
Bunch of lookin' ass niggas tryna spot me
Who gon' pop me? (Huh)
Now who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Full tank, I'm on F, 'bout to pop E
Bunch of bitches lookin' at me like I'm Papi
I say, "Aquí"
Okay, who gon' pop me? (Huh? Huh?)
You not poppin' (Huh?)
My drip droppin', nigga, you gon' mop it
Get your popcorn, nigga, I've been poppin' since Pop Warner
Nigga, I pop up and pop,
Told a nigga, "What's poppin'?" (What's poppin'?)
Yeah, Uzi on my seat (Huh?)
Money on my mind, so I usually overthink
Yeah, I'm runnin' out of time, so I bought another Rollie
Once upon a time, that's the moral of the story
You're a Cookie Monster (Yeah), lookin' at a goblin (Yeah)
Got a pussy popper (Yeah), I call her Mary Poppins (Ooh)
I got a few choppers (Yeah), I like to have my options
If you a goon, nigga, I'm a balloon, nigga
Now who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Bunch of niggas in here lookin' like, "Not me" (Huh?)
Bunch of lookin' ass niggas I do not see (Huh?)
Got my slimes in this bitch and they got me (Yeah)
Bunch of niggas with me lookin' like, "Copy" (Woo)
Bunch of bitches lookin' at me like Papi (Woo)
I say, "Grazie" (Yeah)
Bitch, I'm rollin' like my nigga on Degrassi (Yeah)
Now who gon' pop me?
Who gon' pop me? (Huh?)
Who gon' pop me? (Huh?)
Bunch of niggas in here lookin' like, "Not me"
Bunch of lookin' ass niggas tryna spot me
Who gon' pop me? (Uh)
Now who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Full tank, I'm on F, 'bout to pop E
Bunch of bitches lookin' at me like I'm Papi
I say, "Aquí"
Ain't gon' roll up, I'ma pop up (Uh)
And get you popped up (Uh)
Ain't no tellin' where your body might pop up
Ain't gon' pull up, I'ma pop up
And get you popped up
But ain't no tellin' where your body might pop up
Who the fuck want war? (Who the fuck want war?)
Who the fuck want war? (Who the fuck want war)

🫠

Strong and confident 2

I first wrote a blog in 2014 called strong and confident part 1 its added bellow to catch up

https://nobodyisalone111.wordpress.com/2014/05/12/strong-and-confident-part-1/

When it ended it was left with a cliff hanger. I stopped blogging for a couple of years during the abuse. Yeah it started then. Today, August 28, 2022 I re-read that blog and it inspired a part two since I promised it back then.

So I’ve always been strong willed, outspoken, independent, don’t back down female. I have high morals, values, and principles. Old school. Self respect high. Respect for other. And the previous years caused me to forget all that minus the morals values and principles. I know self love. That’s how I raised myself. Self love. I knew I had confidence but my self esteem was still barely none.

It’s been 4 every month in therapy for that and all the rest of the trauma. These last two years took a toll on me. Once again I knew nothing was wrong the me but events taking place looked, portrayer ect as it was all on me. July 15, 2021 my grandpa died something inside me broke. His funeral was on my birthday. 2 weeks later 2 big events happened and I was once again left alone in that dark place from that February when I realized I couldn’t protect my kids. 🫥

August 5 or the weekend of I met.. we just going to say best friend for now. No names. Instantly we grew a bond but I was going thru a break up at the time and didn’t realize the feelings there and I couldn’t explain the bond. A sense of loyalty idk I just remember i kept asking “why?” (At this point I’m deep in trauma fog; hints why I didn’t realize the feelings.) So for a while I was unsure of it all as it grew. He never consciously helped me and it was nothing specific he did especially how rocky and toxic it was. But every step of the way I got better and better even when I was breaking and hurting I just got better. Now I did get very toxic at one point when I watered myself down and forgot who I was and stopped being me. His response to all that helped remind me that I am this crazy, independent, strong willed, outspoken, never back down woman. A summer 2.0 if you will.

It’s not funny anymore I’m not a happy bunny anymore

So since 2019 there has been 3 people that I had feelings for and the last 2 just reminded me of how much I don’t want a relationship. Every guy who enters my life; on god I HAVE and let me repeat have to say “don’t do it to yourself you will catch feelings I won’t and you’ll hurt your own feelings.” And you know what it still doesn’t work. It still happens. Ugh! 😑 I don’t lead anyone one actually if I feel like I might have hinted that I was flirting I correct it before they can respond. I don’t want anyone and I don’t want and don’t need sex so I don’t even entertain that idea other than saying I won’t ever happen.

What irks me is when they try and tell me what’s best for me and try and convince me how much I would enjoy it and them. 

Guy, I’m not even enjoying this conversation because you don’t listen or respect my mind and boundaries.

* Don’t for a second think I hate men. I don’t they are my best friends. I just hate their male egos and their creep/rapey thirst. Ew such a turn off.

If I said something Just know I mean it

I know who I am

See the one thing you can’t do is convince me that I ever been fake and or pretend to be something I’m not.

Since high school is 2004 to be exact I been authentic. I don’t hide who I am. The good and the bad. I know who I am; sadly y’all don’t. Good try tho. A for effort. I was a bitch when we were cool and always stood in my truth& y’all don’t like that. Everyone loves the truth that comes out my mouth until it doesn’t suit them. Then you hate me. How lame.

Literally every reason you like about me is also the reasons y’all hate me. Thats insane if you ask me and I know about insanity. I been there; oh and if you didn’t hear the first time, IM NOT GOING BACK. Also, believing I’m anything close to evil you really don’t know me at all nor listen when I talk.

You would have had to seen me when I was out of control to understand how calm I am now.

But even being a whole psychopath I’m still not evil.

I have never set out with intentions to hurt someone for no reasoning. Anytime i ever flashed out I was provoked until i reacted to stop the pain being done to me. There’s the difference between me and you. Stop calling me a covert narcissist. Nobody is hiding anything.

Yes, psychopath and narcissistic Katie is. But here’s something that also sets us apart

I never wanted to to be that person so I healed that much and made sure of it.

No one needs to see that monster. But don’t get me fucked up, Katie’s not dead, she was just sleeping for a while but giving recent events she’s awake now and I’m in control. She just lays in the shadows waiting to be called out but until needed Katie stays at bay.

I guess I need HAVE to say this before I’m misunderstood. 

I never once insinuated that I was better than anyone. Just different. We not the same. I stay authentic no matter which one of us shows up. I own everything I do and that’s why you can’t shame me about anything I do. That’s what owning your bs doesn’t, makes you shameless. At least I’ve taken every chance to heal I could and thank god I have healed a lot even tho I have some more ways to go.

Hopsin

Dear alcohol Dax

'Cause I've been chasin' the man that I am when I start to drink
He's cocky confident, and he don't give a damn what you think
This world is beatin' me down, and it's pushed me right to brink
I take a shot every time because, man, it helps me escape
I'm takin' care of these people, but no one takes care of me
I want to talk to somebody, but I feel no one relates
I need better now, I think I've lost my way
I'm havin' battles with faith, it's painted right on my face
I hope better times are comin', no chase, but I'm still runnin'
I gotta take control, and I won't stop for nothin'
Dear, God, this is my test, promise that I'll do my best
Just help with this pain I feel, and pressure that is on my chest

Gaslight

Gaslight

Tell ‘em who you got it from 🫡

🫠🦄

Girl, you trippin' and you know it
You think these issues that you got goin' unnoticed
I smell some bullshit tonight, you the culprit
Bitch, I can read your motherfuckin' mind like I wrote it
You swear you the baddest bitch alive (yeah, yeah)
I can see the madness in your eyes (yeah, yeah)
All your pain is packaged in disguise (yeah, yeah)
To your friends you yappin' with the lies, I don't mind
Feels like I don't even know you
Girl, you ain't got no clue what I'd go through for you
There ain't much in this crazy world that I won't do for you
But I don't get the same love in return
It's just a lesson learned, I'll just let it burn, 'cause
I know
I don't need you but you do need me, it shows
And bitch, I know
You just think I'm full of myself and broke
And bitch, I know
Go 'head, just act like I'm dead and you don't know me no mo'
It's okay (okay)
'Cause I know, I know, I know, I know
I see you got some pain
Tell 'em who you got it from
I see you got a name
Tell 'em who you got it from
Show niggas your broken heart and
Tell 'em who you got it from
Tell everyone I did all this
Tell 'em all I'm the one you shouldn't get involved with
I see you got some pain
Tell 'em who you got it from
I see you got a name
Tell 'em who you got it from
Show niggas your broken heart and
Tell 'em who you got it from
Tell everyone I did all this
Tell 'em all I'm the one you shouldn't get involved with
I recall when we first met up
You had convinced me that you had your shit together
Back then all my homies said that you was just a set-up
My mind musta been gone
Damn, my mama taught me better
I just wanted you, baby
I don't know what to do lately
It's like I hate you and you hate me
And all this shit is too crazy for me
You got enough pride for the both of us
You can't apologize, you don't open up
I thought you would bride, would be close enough
I guess inside your mind you weren't old enough
I look at you and think
I know
I don't need you but you do need me, it shows
And bitch, I know
You just think I'm full of myself and broke
And bitch, I know
Go 'head, just act like I'm dead and you don't know me no mo'
It's okay (okay)
'Cause I know, I know, I know, I know
I see you got some pain
Tell 'em who you got it from
I see you got a name
Tell 'em who you got it from
Show niggas your broken heart and
Tell 'em who you got it from
Tell everyone I did all this
Tell 'em all I'm the one you shouldn't get involved with
I see you got some pain
Tell 'em who you got it from
I see you got a name
Tell 'em who you got it from
Show niggas your broken heart and
Tell 'em who you got it from
Tell everyone I did all this
Tell 'em all I'm the one you shouldn't get involved with

Listen carefully

Look
Let me show you behind the scene
Behind the glitz and the glamour and all the lights you see
Behind the rumors on the life I lead
Let me talk to the people like it's the mic in me
The truth is I got really bad anxiety
I'm on the motorway, cryin' in the driver's seat
I don't even know where I'm goin'
I got love, but I don't know how to show it, is this life?
When you feel like givin' up, know you're close
I been sayin' the least and knowin' the most
I've had ups and downs, but the highest of the highs
Never last for as long as the lowest of lows
Survivor's guilt
I feel the worst at my happiest
'Cause I miss all my niggas that couldn't be in this life I built
But that's the type of shit that only I can feel
Gettin' me in a mood
My ex's got ivory skin
Which is funny 'cause it's really the elephant in the room
Is that enough reason to bury me in a tomb?
I fell in love with an Albanian, I know it's mad
We're not together, 'cause her family would hold us back
I saw the red flags, I wouldn't want my child to grow in that
Rum and Red Bull, it's a culture clash (fuckin' hell)
I don't wanna let life tear us apart
I see the Internet gossip and it wears on my heart
I fuck with her, she was there from the start
I'm seein' them laugh at me, cah I'm vulnerable
Ain't that the shit that rappers' supposed to do
I'd rather rap about arguin' with my girl than fuckin' your girl
But I don't mind, because the both are true
Ignorin' my messages, these times I know she on her
Worst part is I wouldn't even do the same
Hate it or love it, you gotta charge it to the game
(Gotta charge it to the)
Heavy is the head, but don't play with my heart
I feel like a footballer when I'm makin' my art
Through ball, how I'm managin' the weight of the past
I felt so much pain that I got favorite scars
And my house got wings like my favorite cars
And the Millie Rock my favorite dance
You can call it what you want it, but I got it off of takin' a chance
I didn't take an advance
Fame comes with a price, you can't pay in advance
For six long years, I've been playin' my part
Like a freak in a circus when they're makin' them dance
I got nights where it's light and I got days where it's dark
And the waters that I swim in, it ain't safe for the sharks
He a gangster, but the stress gonna take him apart
I'm with the niggas that I claimed from the start
I see you niggas changin', they didn't make it
It's a shame it takes fallin' to your death
For a person to appreciate fully the gravity of the situation
But that's just irony at its finest
Black women, I just wanna say I'm sorry
I done a lot of dumb shit, I won't lie to you
I wanna be a voice for you, be a light for you
I know I haven't done enough, I wanna try for you
Wanna be on the frontline for you
Campaign for you, make change for you
I just wanna help in any way
Bein' genuine, I think about it every day
Tour life, travellin' every day
Nerves paralyzing when you get to stage
You feel love for an hour, and then it gets to fade
Imagine what that does to your mental state
Imagine bein' a millionaire at a tender age
You don't even know whether to spend or save
My mum had to grow up fast, she expects the same
I was twenty with a mortgage and rent to pay
So what's happenin'? I got gorillas all around me, allow me
Don't get grabbed in a party or lackin'
You'll die for a wine like Joffrey Baratheon
Pattern 'em
The government ain't gonna help with all the issues that I'm tacklin'
The way you talk about politics is bafflin'
I wouldn't even trust my own shadow in a cabinet
Cabbin' it can't drive no more
I been lookin' for the answers, sure that I'll find 'em
I don't judge an accent but the story behind it
We all know loss, but there's glory behind it
I'ma make a film for my mum
And tell her tale to the world, this album is just the soundtrack
Look at her story in a year in her life
And tell me if it doesn't bring a fuckin' tear to your eyes
In this together
I thought wishin' wouldn't hurt, but take it over
I'm done holdin' at your lies
So knowin' that it weren't for any one thing
You know you love fast and I know you wanna stay
In the clouds, my heads sippin' up
Let the other try, said I don't wanna try
I thought wishin' wouldn't hurt, but take it over
I'm done holdin' at your lies
So knowin' that it weren't for any one thing
"What I've realized
What I realized 'bout who I am
Is that, you're kinda taught
You're taught to die for what you stand for, you feel me?
But I realize I'm here to live for what I stand for
'Cause I wanna see it, bro, I wanna enjoy it, bro
I wanna see what I feel, like I am, you know what I'm sayin'?
Out there, while I'm here, and that's that, bro
But, yeah, link up soon my guy, you know how it is
Hustle o'clock bruv
Shine on 'em"

Hey. yeah you..

I hope you heal and find yourself and become who yours supposed to be. I guess I will always love you but our connection is not enough for me. Not after all you did and didn’t do. I’m still whole even without you. My hearts not broken. And I don’t need anything from you. If anything it would be a good idea to heal and forget us. But you probably won’t and live in regret. I’m not being cocky when I say this 🐱 you should have just listened to me. Pride and ego isn’t worth what you lost.

Sorry not sorry

Don’t lie to yourself. Maybe try amends. I don’t need closure because to be fair I’m closing the book. Well my book. We were never on the same page because we were both in different books.

London bridge falling down

We could have been a big deal making big moves but you don’t see reality as it is and now won’t ever know what you missed out on because to be fair you never really knew what you had jaxass🥴😒