Something to ponder


I’m sure everyone has heard so much negative stuff about me from others. Me personally or “me” online (fake content) but what you will never hear about is all the good I did. 1. The stuff you hear is coming from people who sought revenge for going no contact with them. 2 They are dangerous, disloyal, liars about who they really are. Reasons why I went no contact.

They won’t mention chance after chance until my life wasn’t safe anymore. Nor will you hear how I was the one who helped either supposed to get her kid back and others not lose their kids the whole time getting turned on because I don’t enable my friends destructive behaviors.

No they won’t tell you none of that. Let’s not forget helping multiple friends the best I could the entire time I was the one needing the help. No? None of that?

Of course not. And this post isn’t my ego talking, it’s my self respect. What you hear is exaggerated lies and half lies because I know my worth and when it’s not valued and or I’m taken advantage of and wasting my time I went no contact.

When I go no contact it’s for my best interest and my kids; not to get back at them, prove a point, hurt them, none of that. Now I’m not that person to be “all I’ve done for you.” This isn’t what this is about. Actually I’m not talking to that audience.

This is me speaking to the ones that don’t know all the truth and only the false narratives. Whichever one they get.

Now am I always nice? Fuck no, I’ve always been an asshole, but that’s something they won’t tell you either. That’s one of the things they love about me; because it doesn’t come from a cruel way if you must.

I’m not prefect, never claimed to be but I’m not what you think I am. Know me or not, you should really always get both sides of every story because people be believing anything about you as long as it’s negative.

I know when talking about the past I don’t speak on the good times and that is cause not only in hindsight there wasn’t many good things. It wouldn’t be fair to give credit when the “good” was only love bombs and gaslights. So they seemed good given the situation but if ever asked about it I would tell you that part too.

So once again be careful not knowing both sides or the story. Be careful what you label someone because “they said so.” The villain will have you so convinced the victim is the villain and have you supporting them and the victim(s) never get justice or support.

And that’s my Ted Talk

SummerDaye

#1 stunna


I hate trauma. There’s such a disconnect between us but a connection at the same time. I’m quiet, “shy” in a sense but your my happy place. I love when your here. Same reason you deflect me is the same reason I’m so meek when your around. My feelings never changed.

You did nothing wrong; it’s me. My ptsd. I need you to open up or let me open up but I need you to take the lead this time. Watch how different I would be. How back to normal I would be for us.

Also stop defecting me so I can stop being so closed off. I want to tell you everything I want you part of my life and vice versa

No composure


Did you know you can heal from one trauma and get traumatized again? True story. In 2019 I healed tremendously from the year prior. See it wasn’t him I needed to get over. Enough was done for me to be done and over him when I chose to leave. See what I had to get over was my self. For staying too long. Failing my kids of having a better life than I had. Finding myself again. Self esteem and more. I had a family I built, faught far and held together ripped from under me demolished to find out it was for nothing and I never even thought of any other way.

Then I discovered Klusterfck that changed a lot in me. Seeing my worth for the first time then my kids got taken from me that did more than break me but I shook back from that even. All then while going thru more harassment and a lot more. Master manipulators they are. Then my grandpa, my heart, one of the few people I call family died and something inside of me broke. His wake was on my birthday. From then til December my psyche was tested. Distracted and should have broke more but only got better the more shit happened. I paid attention.

Here’s the retraumatization last year one of the 2 people i trusted with my safety electrocuted me and just told me I had a seizure when I came to. I have an hour and a half time spans missing and wasn’t til match til I found out he electrocuted me with 110 volts. That’s when I started spiraling. I stopped using everything but smoking exhausted all my resources and then 2 weeks later when to rehab. When I got home after all the betrayals I had not a single person I trusted to talk to about everything because so many had been against me the whole time i thought we were friends.

See people think I’m not over my past when that’s far from the truth. He and others are still fucking with my life and worse was done to me sense.

Just thought I was clear the air. As if I care much less worry about any of these inhuman creatures. That’s what happens when people assume and don’t fact check the bs they hear or think.

Over with thats all she wrote


This is one of them if the shoe fits kind of post. Please understand I know who’s a friendly bob friend, an op and who’s neither. Im not going to call ya’ll on ya’ll bs anymore. Not only did my gut tell me from the jump but also “keep your friends close enemies closer?” Some of ya’ll have not only burnt your own bridge with me and have no idea but got me on go mode for the futures stops if any are taken. It’s not okay to take advantage of another human being. It’s not cool to take advantage of someone naive and more scared than anything to say no. It’s not cool to guilt trip, shame, threaten and blackmail someone for standing up for themselves finally after getting taken advantage of. It’s def. not okay to speak so vial of someone who’s done nothing but help you. Hell even two people in the same conversation. Opps my bad must not have know I was there. Your bad. Its completely wrong to tell someone to do something and when they do shame them for it, insult both parties and degrade the who who listened to you in the first place. That in all accord is a gaslight. NO I WONT ALLOW IT. Im in high protective mode, not only for myself and kids but others around, stop provoking something you not only know anything about but even ready for. No one wants that, not me even tho I will if need be and not anyone else. I promise. Leave not only me alone but the few in my pack. Im not going to give anyone the satisfaction of explaining what is already understood.

We’re humans not yalls toys; but keep playing us like we are. No threat. No promise. No warning.

Change I must or die I will


A statement from a tech in my second psych ward stay. Immediately I said while grabbing a pen “that’s my next tattoo” and when I got out my next tattoo was put on my left forearm as a constant reminder. That was around 2011. Took me a couple more psych ward stays,suicides and a rehab to finally get it right. Each stay at a facility I would do the work and took from each experience in order to heal. May have took sometime but I did it. And when I did I healed all my childhood trauma. I healed Katie. I gained stability in a sense. For me, the kids, overall everyone. I was a hot headed psycho. I was tired of being tired and no one ever needed to meet that side of me. I got off the rollercoaster cycling thru mania and depression. Instead I just stayed deeply depressed. That happens when you’re made to feel worthless, unappreciated, and belittled on the daily, just over all straight up not cared about unless it involved sex. There was months span that I didn’t even want to be touched that how depressed I was. Now let’s add to the mix all the insulting lies I didn’t even care to investigate anymore so after years of this plus a never ending circular fight for hours I made a change. A major one. Eliminate the problem. And I meant it.

I was happy. Blayden noticed one day and comes tell me “you look better when daddy isn’t here.” Which he was right. Know how they say god will give you the same test over and over again til you get it right? Not only is that true because I did it for 8 years. God gave me a way out every single time with me coming out unscathed since year 1, but I was insane and went back, AGAIN.

April 2018 he was back but this time it was way different. Way worse. Hell on earth. And after 9 months of being held hostage, tortured, and not knowing what to expect at every moment. Finding a list of things to do that would have killed me if had worked. I said “I never thought you would lose me” and I meant that. Well January 2019 I made a decision to make a change cause if not I would have died. A cop told me October 2018 first before I even knew. I don’t regret anything but not leaving sooner.

If you think you know me because you knew me before all that. I going to need you to stop thinking because I’m nothing close to what I was before.

Merry Christmas


  • I’m behind on posts because every holiday affects me differently and its the second Christmas my Pa wasn’t here.

Growing up Christmas was always my favorite holiday. Me, Granny, Aunt Shannon and the step family would all pack up and head to MawMaws in Mangumn, La. 4 corners, near Winsborrow. I loved going to Mawmaw’s. I would sleep with her and she would sing to me to fall asleep, but not before a hot lavender bath. Then every morning i would wake up to; like she knew i was about to wake up, fresh out the oven cinnamon toast. Perfectly browned with the butter, cinnamon, and sugar at the perfect temp. and for the perfect amount of time. Then there were my cousins who were grown young adults compared to me an child. They were my favorites some more than others. I called them aunt and uncle out of respect but they were really cousins. Christmas eve we would all meet at mawmaws to eat and then to all gather in the dinning/piano room. About 30 or so give or take a couple would gather around the room while singing along to whoever is playing the piano. After that everyone sat in their family groups. My cousins were all starting their own families or already had. I would always sit with my uncle Jeffery and Aunt Leah. They were always my favorite. Then we would all exchange gifts amongst the family. We would then go outside and have a firework show in the driveway, while tracking Santa on the news “radar” so at 10pm was bed time of course so Santa could pass. A couple of years i remember either just me or me and a sister waking up early trying to catch Santa, just to get caught by the adult on duty to sleep on the sofa to tell us it wasn’t time yet. We always waited for Pa to be up and ready for us to get to open them. So we walk back to the rooms and back to sleep we would go until morning. Christmas days were always busy, started with us opening gifts while simultaneously getting ready and packing to leave Mawmaw’s. We would eat lunch and then tell everyone bye and get back on the road to New Iberia, La to do christmas all over again at Pa’s house.

I will say when it came to granny and pa, especially me, not to brag just in retrospect, we got really spoiled. My granny died when i was 12 and the last time i made it up to north Louisiana was for her burial. Christmas wasnt the same after that anymore. Dementia set in in MawMaw and she barely remembered me but some details like that cinnamon toast, she would remember. She had even forgot her own children and even her nurse by the end of it. From ages 12-16 Christmas was spent with my step mom and sisters sometime Tiger was there, depending on the oil field. Also Pa and Tiger still went to the hunting range up north to hunt, like they did every year until Pa died.

In 2006 i moved to Houston, Tx with my mom. I don’t remember much of the Christmases between 12 and 18 much other than your basic gift exchange. Every year that I lived on my own i had a tree in my apartment and I worked and then went spend it with friends like we were family. One year the weeks before Christmas in my apartment complex there were a few cars broken into and presents taken. Well it was a couple days before Christmas me and my boyfriend went to bed and left the tree on, never thinking anything about it. That morning i woke up before him so never noticed anything off or wrong, until he woke up looking for his backpack and when he asked me about it I realized my purse wasn’t on the sofa where i left it the night before. We both start searching. I had a sliding screen door with big mini blinds that we never used or opened but something caught my attention with the blinds. The door had been left with a 6inch crack open. They were hoping for presents but they knew for a fact they would score from my purse and the back pack alone. My purse was real coach purse, Prada wallet, D&G glasses and the other contents and the backpack had a good couple hundred dollars for Christmas presents.

In 2009 i moved back to Louisiana and met my ex. The first Christmas i give it to him, he tried and i tried to enjoy what he did but i was exhausted and went to bed. Now every other holiday especially Christmas he made sure to ruin on purpose to where I wouldn’t show up or if i did my mood wouldn’t allow me to enjoy the moment. And if he did happen to come with me to just torture me more, he would be all smiling like nothing was wrong and leave me in the dog yard with the attitude he created. A decade of that to where the last one together i considered taking a nap with Salem taking and nothing else was a good Christmas. Mind you that was my year in hell.

First Christmas without him wasn’t good for me for a couple reasons; a good friend got murdered Christmas eve, another good friend started tripping out of the blue, and it was my first Christmas alone. While i’d have rather be alone than have him ruin it, it still sucked. But i made it for my kids. Someone gave me all kinds of Winnie the Pooh decorations. Tree decortations of all kinds but even big animated characters. We even put up our 3 owl decorations that represented us. One broke, but it wasn’t needed anymore anyway. That was Christmas 2019.

Christmas 2020 got ruined for me because not only did I not get them Christmas eve period, but not til the afternoon Christmas day. So fuck me and Santa huh? And to make matter worse my lotus got out the house and I thought he was gone for good.

We would always go eat at Pa’s to go eat Christmas day and that was with family even Judy, even though we didn’t like her; especially me. For him, that one day i would put the differences aside and treat her like family. Everyone was surprised every time, but thats how much Pa meant to me. It wasn’t fake it was genuine. Any other day of the year, i kept my distance from her.

Well Pa died July 2021, so Christmas is gone for me but this year i put up the tree and let the kids decorate it themselves. I cant do much but i can try and make it memorable like mine was because it isnt the presents i remember or that mattered it was the people, what we shared, what we did, and the love i remember the most and thats all that mattered then at the age of 8.

Not today satan


The audacity to call me a year to the date you fucking killed me and you want to call me and “hey stranger” me? Then want to have dementia like I really was going to say wtf. Nah uh, not today. And don’t flatter yourself thinking I called you the devil. Nah you don’t get that credit, your sir are something way worse and idk what you are cause evil, cruel and inhumane just don’t suffice enough to explain what you are. Insulting that not only called me but really believed I would give you the satisfaction of entertaining you much less talk to you about it.

There’s nothing to talk about. You did what you did. I know what you did, you know I know what you did; all of it. There’s nothing to say except I could feel how soulless you are in the calmness of your tone. Leave me alone& pass along the message to your friends.

Ps. This is me being nice and calm because the latter might send me straight to hell. Not today satan!

No I’m not in my feelings, shut up🫣


Let me be honest since you definitely don’t know how I really feel. Since coming back around this year all I’ve wanted to was to 1 you care enough to ask but 2 just lay here and tell you everything and let me tell you this, I would finally get the break I need to get out. But guess you don’t care that much. 🙄 Yeah we both know that’s a lie and I know the reason why not but that reasoning shouldn’t be an issue with me especially at this point especially for how vulnerable I am. Trust me have I ever let you down or lied yet?

Listen 🎧

Born again


So here’s the start of my testimony. The only reason I made it out of 3028 if because of god only. I shouldn’t have walked out of 2018. Now let me explain my faith. I always believed in god and had faith blind faith if you will. None of my faith today comes from a church or any teaching. I’m march 2019 god had to show me the reality of that year being spiritual warfare and I had no idea of the spiritual side it showed just like domestic violence. Then he showed me how he how he saved me. I didn’t know the armor of gif was even a thing that you pray for to have even prayed for it. No one prayed for it for me because no one knew what was happening much less know in advance besides god so humbly showed me I was worthy enough to have been saved in such a way. After that god showed me a lot. Wisdom and my purpose. Also my gift in music. Even a snippet of his vision for me. Then that July the devil caught me off guard and knocked me off my pivot.

That September I went to jail. What kept me being okay in jail without a worry was I was safe and I knew god was doing one of two things either protecting me from something on the outside or me protecting someone inside. So I sat there for a month. I got out in Oct.

November 13, I call D-day, I said then the devil came with all my demons. And boy was I right. Not only did my family give Ben legal visitation but took my custody when I wasn’t unfit until I found out they had it. And I’m surprised I shook back from that November I was more than broken. And the only reason I kept remembering my faith was because god kept showing up in situations I shouldn’t have lived.

Now let me say this, there’s NOTHING anyone can do or say to convince me otherwise about god. I don’t believe I know.

well then demons have run ragged in my life for 2 years now and there’s not a bound they won’t cross. Year to date tomorrow one of the few people I trusted with my safety killed me and lied to me when I came back and said I just had a seizure. In march I found out the truth. When I did I stopped using and for 2 weeks spiraled out of control even with exhausting all my resources. Then I went to rehab for 28 days. Not because I struggle with my addiction. While I’m an addict and always will be I don’t struggle with it I struggle with my mental health and I self medicate but remember I said I stopped using?

While in there I got ahold of my sanity and sense of security. From April til June I stayed sober. Now the only thing I had before rehab and after was my faith. And in June one day after months with the realization I had not one person I could trust to talk to about anything much less everything. And the suicidal thoughts started and I had to smoke to stop them. And it did. Since then more and more stuff has happened and still here I am alone. Still in the dark place of being alone and if I don’t have weed, the dark thoughts start. Now I’m not suicidal, I know it’s not an option. The demons never rest and god keeps exposing more and more and tbh I have had enough to the point I considered my vehicle not working as a blessing because I wouldve went find one of a few. Well out of no where this past weekend a friend of mines mom had called me and we were talking and she asked if I wanted to get baptized and without contemplating it I said yes. Now I think about doing something over and over again before I can convince myself to do it so I knew it was something I needed to do, plus something got to work right?

Last night was that baptism and let me just say this, before the baptism and before the tornados we had here in Louisiana god showed up in a major way and since the baptism hasn’t stopped. So not only has he literally saved me but I’ve reached salvation.

Humbly god bless

Just a stretch? Is it just a stretch..


To believe without seeing the proof that these person(s) have used dummy accounts, making me look/sound incompetent, cruel, vial, and ignorant with no empathy? Speaking from hate and not love in order to prevent *THE REAL KLUSTERFCK* who’s still a nobody from rising from the ashes from the original fire of destruction after being told “I’ll make sure to burn Klusterfck to the ground” no it’s not just a stretch. I’m talking about stealing beats I made used them and supported the fake page using them while dissing me for my method ect. I went from one of the hottest producers on the app to coming back from a hiatus (dealing with family issues and the start of what is going on 2 years of tyranny to coming back to being public enemy #1. I asked multiple people, respected and who supported and respected me beforehand “what is it I did or am doing wrong? Response every single time was “I have no idea what your talking about. The sad part is in Feb 2021 when my original IG and fb got hacked I made a post saying “it’s sad it’s came down to this but if anything unklusterfck like happened it was not me. I didn’t come back from hiatus til April 2021 and without knowing until it was too late that he had infiltrated the app much less anywhere else. February was the start of a long 2 years of fraudulent activities on all degrees on the scale in all other parts of my life even still with no answers to the response “what did I do wrong?” See it isn’t such a stretch for me to believe such persons have done such in the music community as a whole have done such. At the beginning of all this background checks were paid for as well as fake numbers just in order to get my number and “start bothering others” So I can image the names, accounts, personalities, status ect these con-artists have conjured up. So given any other circumstance, yes it would be a stretch to say Klusterfck has been used negatively and opposite of its meaning. Shit I highly doubt that they don’t even know the meaning behind Klusterfck to even comprehend that Klusterfck can’t be killed unless they kill me.

Regrettably signed by

Summerdaye Poirrier aka Klusterfck

No contact means no contact


To anyone I cut off for not being the real them and showed me colors I never seen in a crayon box answer me this.. What do I owe you? Hopefully not an apology. I did nothing wrong but protect myself from more damage.

Y’all don’t even deserve a word yet some have been said. As far as money goes there’s two people I owe and that’s no of your business wether you know or not. Not only do I pay for everything given to me, your delusional to think I owe you a cent much less word’s for anything you did after contact was cut. Doesnt matter how much you spend on trying to drive me crazy ruin me or anything spent legally caused by your actions .

When I cut y’all off or go no contact it’s because y’all aren’t loyal, honest, and respectful and I felt as if I was being taken advantage of and don’t want anything more to do with you.

What’s really delusional is linking up, plotting, scheming and fraudulently setting out on “ruining me?” Is that what’s happening? Y’all bullying me into submission? 😂💀 hold up; let’s me breathe, okay back to business, nothing you do can make me go against my principles and morals. I will always call BS on shits that’s fake. I will continue to see my worth no matter who you try and convince is less. Y’all can’t be real about the name of the page the fraudulent content is being produced on.

Why not post to where I can see, read, hear all the juicy details of myself. I don’t follow y’all like y’all do me so maybe I catch on later than normal but that’s by design while as y’all’s format of making me sound delusional, tripping, and like I’m losing my mind. Bravo 👏

You can’t make this shit up


Me describing my life, you can’t make this up. As a matter of a fact why would I want to? This is a god written life only. If I would make up shit, why wouldn’t I make it sound good? Has my point been made yet?

No? Let me continue. In a wonderful world of fake everything; personalities, boobs, names all of it. I dare to be different. “Be authentic to all transparent to some.” When your authentic it threatens their fake egos and their real egos. Everything is a con. No matter what it is it’s fake, a cover for insecurities. See where I’m going there yet?

I will never willingly be part of any con, scam or even “voice.” You will always get straight up authenticity from me. Too many people talk subliminally or sideways. Boy the stories I’ve heard.

Question, why does my truth make you want to umm.. in so many words “stop me? Tbh for not being shit and “invaluable” there’s a lot of attention my way. So many eyes. Snake eyes everywhere. So many jabs, traps, words being laid in a life they have no part of.

You do realize, now sit down for this, egos might not like this.. for painting me in the light y’all do, are y’all aware y’all are doing everything I do, blogs, fb pages, groups, memes, music even in order to do so? It’s a paradox really.

End note don’t think y’all have ruined any Avenue I do have for me. You may have tarnished some part of it but that’s the great part of being authentic, it always shows thru; just give it time.

Coded


So I read something very interesting about me yesterday. Well not only and I been read this am I not woke but also I’m unaware of my shadow side and when it comes out. 🫣😂 I love when people try and figure me out cause they be so wrong.

So yeah not only can read thru y’all’s coded talk nmw what name scenario gender ect yeah energy is a dry snitch. Also there so much I haven’t spoken on. On purpose. I don’t follow y’all like y’all do me so yeah sometimes I catch on later than I do but don’t you for a second think I didn’t know a head of time. I been calling shit before i have proof way before. ALSO, y’all must have missed that blog. Sometimes i have to befriend one for the demons.

Y’all are criminals on all degrees. Y’all arrogant and ignorant but continue on, please remember this, the game has been on. Underestimate me, that’s always my favorite. 🙃

It’s the insult to my intelligence I don’t like


Not only can I read thru y’all’s coded talk but I also know when I confront someone about something and they act as if they don’t know what I’m talking about as if I wouldn’t be there if I didn’t know what I was talking about. Hello we’ve been playing this game for how long? 2 years now? Yeah I’m not stupid.

What’s disappointing is how you know what I’m saying is true and still stand on the side you do. Not only do I know your side of it but theirs too. Write about it if your can’t talk about it. Either way stop insulting my intelligence because that’s how you lose me.

I never had a reason to lie to anyone much as long as you. And I know you know for a fact that I’m loyal and not what they portray because you been there and can tell. Don’t let the fear of your feelings now that I know make you lose what you been having.

3 peat


Bitch swallow my words and taste my thoughts

Paint me however you want, I’m the narcissist fine I’m the narcissist. I’m the villain? Sure joker mode. Whatever you say I am fine I’ll be that because I know me, the truth I stand in is why your say the things y’all do.

Btw, stop saying I’m a narcissist and in denial, nobody is in denial. Katie is a psychopath not a narcissist and do a lot of my defense mechanisms FROM BEING NARCISSISTICLY ABUSED may look narcissistic but if you would actually know it’s not it’s from knowing my worth now.

Sorry not sorry I’m such a threat to y’all because I don’t even want y’all in my life to even think of y’all to even be considered a threat. Y’all weird

Tid bits


As much that has been done I’ve always come out ahead. Even at my lowest I’m stronger than y’all.

Everything y’all do only makes me stronger.

Here’s the real tea. If you really want to stop me you would leave me alone.

See this isn’t the first time I’ve been broken down and my name smeared and every time I came out clean and built myself up. So best believe I will again I’ve been doing this since I was a kid.

Y’all are weak not only do you numbers of y’all, y’all use lies in order to “bring me down” y’all are con artists not real artists, frauds, and many more things that are way worse. That’s not judgmental those are facts.

Y’all obsessed and fans. So glad I could inspire so much. Y’all tend to feel as if I owe any of y’all something and while thats delusional AF homage is due Cash app me $summerdayep3

God I’m feeling low


Inside my mind going back and forth 
Every single night, I ask the Lord
Will he take all these grey clouds away?
'Cause when it rains, I can't stand the storm
Trauma is a pain that I can't ignore
No job for days, I'm a crashing course
I'm tryna fight off my depression
I don't know how long I had it for

But I had it long enough to know that it is a part of me
They say "Get over it" as if it isn't hard for me
As if I didn't hear it from everybody else
Giving me their opinion on everything they feel is wrong with me
These highs and lows taking their toll
I can't control my feelings now
I just don't know how long I'll go way down this road
I feelin' down, I make a record so they feel me now

Just 'cause you exist don't mean you're alive
And I realized this as time passes by
I can't call it quits, I quit every time
I need to resist this feeling inside
I wish my pain would leave and just exit
Maybe I didn't learn my lesson
I feel like I'm disconnected, 'cause

God, I'm feeling low, low, low
I'm feeling low, don't know where to go, o-oh
God, I'm feeling low, low, low
I'm tired of the pain, of the shit, go away, aye

Yeah, I tell myself that I got this
Then tell myself that I'm not shit
Tearin' down my spirit, now I'm in my feelings
Man, when am I gonna stop this?
These voices in my head do hit for sure
Comparin' myself 'til I'm insecure
It hits the worst when I'm feelin' doubt
I'm locked in my thoughts, there's no gettin' out

It's a toxic cycle that I can't break
Too paralyzed to move, so then I just wait
'Til the pressure crushes me with all of this weight
Trust me, I try to run, but I can't escape
Life's like a loaded gun pointed at my face
Love's like a potent drug just to numb my pain
Now I try to open up to the ones I date
Just to get broken up, what a mistake

God, I'm feeling low, low, low
I'm feeling low, don't know where to go, o-oh
God, I'm feeling low, low, low
I'm tired of the pain, of the shit, go away, aye

I pray the Lord my soul to keep
This nightmare isn't what I dream
I close my hands in agony
I pray, I pray, oh

Why him?


Because we have been close friends over a decade. He’s seen my at all my worst. My craziest, lowest and most broken, weakest and has never changed the way he sees me. We have an unbreakable bond. I don’t want him for what he got. He makes me feel secure. Doesn’t trigger me. We don’t need each other. No matter where we end up in the end he will always be my best friend. He makes me feel safe. He’s always been that one place secure.

Edit: I started this September 27 and it just never got posted

YOU ARE IMPORTANT


I’m sorry i didn’t know til today when i read all your posts. Your right and wrong at the same time. i do love you I told you that. I just never wanted to push you away. And you left me speechless that one night.

My “vacation” was farrrr from that. They took my kids, Ben and Jacob trying to make me crazy. Now let’s add they “burned Klusterfck” to the ground, my grandpa died all at the same time. Then I found out that everyone I was close to was involved. And and now you 😒😡 understand why but they electrocuted me and idk why and how.

I’m not ass drugged out you think. I’m just way more fucked up now than before. I knew what was on when I asked you what was wrong in September I even wrote a letter and it stayed in my drawer cause I knew but needed to know that what you wanted

Out of all the bs today this is the only thing worth my time😘

Graduation


This is what I get for having expectations
‘Cause I forgot where I came from
What if I’m gone, will you wake up?
Would it then all make you wake up?

Hey mama, just wanted to tell you I love you
Don’t know if I say it enough
But I’ve been really prayin’ for us
And I thank god for you
Man, I look up to you, man
If I was in trouble, I need somebody I run to you (yeah)
If I never told you, you was my idol like really my idol
Whatever you said to me I took it in, like it was the bible
When you look at me, I wanna know, the feelin’ inside you
I guess sometimes I just wonder if you feel the way I do
Remember my 10th birthday, when you apologiezed
You couldn’t buy cake so you bought me McDonald’s fries
I thanked you but you got my brother gifts alot of times
For me you say can use some time, but never got the time
I figured it was for the bills, but for real how you really feel
I know this birthday around tax time so is that what it is
I know you gotta love me mom, ’cause every moma loves ther kids
I just really think it’s fucked up but I guess it is what it is
Remember recitals, I played the piano, I waited and you never came
You said you was working
But got home from work from my brother, went to every game
He never even really scored, but you was just there to support
But I know basketball is more fun to watch then piano on show
I really forgive you! And imma’ continue forgiving you
I made up a whole lot of reasons, ’cause I know it can’t be intentional
When I was in the hospital, you said you hope I got better
When he was down to whether, you was in the Hospital till’ he got better
I don’t understand!
When you look at me, I feel like you regret me
But the look inside your eyes when you see him sometimes affect me
I was tryin’ to be so perfect, just to feel like you accept me
I love the way you love, but you love everyone except me!
Be honest, Mom!
When nobody come thru’ for you, I’m present
But when Christmas come around, you don’t think to get me a present
Man, that’s fucked up!
‘Cause I spent my whole life tryin’ to impress you
But I guess I ain’t really special

This is what I get for having expectations
‘Cause I forgot where I came from
What if I’m gone, will you wake up?
Would it then all make you wake up?

You really showed me how much a parent could love their child
So much that they forget they got another child
Man, my whole life I just wanted to make my mother proud
One day if you see the difference, when I can’t come around

Song by Yellopain

Are we there yet are you scared yet!?


went out of my way, to do music for you!
I did shit with E-40, Scarface
Everybody, all your heroes, nigga, Yukmouth!
Modest shit! Now I'm 'bout to do it my way!
I don't give a fuck what y'all think about me!
Call me devil worshipper, nigga
You think that shit was bad? Listen to this, motherfucker!
How do I describe my pain?
It just rains and it brings at the same time flame
I am bane, insane in my veins
No restraints can chain or contain me, I'm dangerous
When I gave you my light it was wrong, wasn't right
And no love was in sight when I need it
So I run with the night and the songs that I write
It be vile and it won't be defeated
It's jet black in my brain
'Cause the hatred you gave me has turned me to twisted
You don't like this – suck my dick
All the kids with the sickness been waiting for this shit
I wanna get into the mind of your youngest
Fill it with fungus and grow it 'til it's humongous
Psycho alumnus, the tip of the tongue slit
Urging the punk bitch: Eat shit from your dump pit!
Everyone, are you ready for doom?
Because I've blackened the sun and I've bloodied the moon
I bring gloom when I step in the room
With the fumes of a tomb I consume all the light in the day
Everyone, are you ready for doom?
Because I've blackened the sun and I've bloodied the moon
I bring gloom when I step in the room
With the fumes of a tomb, flowers bloom when I'm taken away!
I've got this cloud inside, it's consuming my mind
All the brown in my eyes are dissolving
Into the whites of my eyes, now the night will arise
And I'm hyped 'cause the beast is evolving
Step into my dreams, lot of bleeding and semen and green rotted demons
And they feed their seeds collard greens
Full of feces and cheesed pieces of human cerebrum this evening
(Stay away) 'Cause everything I touch turns to mold!
(If you want me) Everything I fuck straight explodes!
Are we there yet? Are you scared yet?
You got a pussy in your pants, wanna share that?
Let me in, I'mma rip it then I'mma tear it out
I'm tryin' to eat a bitch, where her motherfucker hair at!?
Everyone, are you ready for doom?
Because I've blackened the sun and I've bloodied the moon
I bring gloom when I step in the room
With the fumes of a tomb I consume all the light in the day
Everyone, are you ready for doom?
Because I've blackened the sun and I've bloodied the moon
I bring gloom when I step in the room
With the fumes of a tomb, flowers bloom when I'm taken away!
Heat swells, details
Everybody eat nails, sleep well
Held a gun, I come to attack everyone
You little crumbs, all are done, I'mma blacken the sun
I'll banish it, damage it, can you manage to vanish?
Cut you like Anakin, manic man, damn it, and it's no panicking
When I eat your soul, he's north pole
That means I'mma be more cold, freeze more soul, 40 below
Piss, Lav, and Cuervo, plus habanero, now chug it!
Burn their head to their toes!
I will not spare those, I love it!
This is the result of you, thinking unclear, callin' me weird!
Thinking I'm a devil so you niggas don't cheer!
I don't give a fuck what you think of Tecca Nina this year!
Everyone, are you ready for doom?
Because I've blackened the sun and I've bloodied the moon
I bring gloom when I step in the room
With the fumes of a tomb I consume all the light in the day
Everyone, are you ready for doom?
Because I've blackened the sun and I've bloodied the moon
I bring gloom when I step in the room
With the fumes of a tomb, flowers bloom when I'm taken away!
This fun house is crazy
There's through doors here
You guys go through those doors and I'm gonna go through this one and I'll meet you on the other side
Wow, a big red music box, I gotta see what's inside

I’m only human


I'm only human
It's hard to count all of my mistakes I've made
I'm only human
Don't have the power to save the day, I can't
I'm only human
Nobody's perfect, I've been ashamed of things I've done
I need improvement, I need to work it
So many things for change to come
I'm only human
We all breathe the same air, share the same living space
Breath the same from the day that we came up out our mom's womb
Character traits from our parents, we behave how we've been taught to
Identify by a country, and a state
And a race, and a faith we belong to
From our face, what we're labeled and named we respond to
All too innocent until we get imprinted from the images we witness
And eventually resemble what we gone through
Some people say the shape of your fate is beyond you
Other say that fate is what you make it
I try to do right 'cause they glue you up
To State when they see you make a wrong move
But I ain't superhuman, I don't got a cape or a costume
Homie on the dog food, thought he got clean
Talkin' to him, all he doin' is nodding out sleep
Who am I to judge him?
Hard for me to drink and not fiend
Scared they gon' find my dead body on the box-spring
Know a lot of cool chicks, some with daddy issues
Hard to tell how many men have been up in her mouth piece
Men fuck a ton of women, they a certified pimp
When the shoe was on the other foot, they holler out freak
Like she isn't wife material
Both got venereal diseases, burnin' while they piss
Friends in long-term relationships, lying to each other
Never told them about the dirt they went and did
Kids acting out, searching for a dad
Young adults feel at fault to their
Parents 'cause they want a college grad
I can background check you, do research about your past
But I never know that person in the flesh 'cause
I'm only human
It's hard to count all of my mistakes I've made
I'm only human
Don't have the power to save the day, I can't
I'm only human
Nobody's perfect, I've been ashamed of things I've done
I need improvement, I need to work it
So many things for change to come
I'm only human
Like the girl on Instagram tryna show her body off to get more likes
Had a dude who got in trouble
'Cause his girl saw him hit the heart sign
Waking up, embarrassed
My manager pissed at me 'cause I was drunk on live
Last night on my phone doing blow
Like it's cool when I know it ruins lives
Several times it almost ruined mine, what a waste
Wanna lie like I'm doin' fine, but I ain't
Wanna quit before it's too late, pump the brakes
Insecure, I wanna lose weight, but I can't 'cause I drink socially
The only way that I can function
Dissing people in the public based off an assumption
When I should have called and had a one-on-one discussion
Disgusted, I'm cussing out someone I trusted
Guilty and the glove fit
Stuck in a rut, hit ignore the minute that my friends called
Last Christmas I was dissed, feeling pissed and I went off
Fuck I wish I didn't involve my in-laws
Fist's all swollen, giant hole inside a thin wall in my living room
And ever since it's been a pitfall
Really need my family
I don't never call them ask them how
They kids are, tell them I miss y'all
Can't ignore the insults, thought I had a thick skin
You could just unfollow me, don't gotta leave the ten cents
Caught up in this business and I don't really fit in
Call on my prescription to calm me down like Prince did
I don't got a spotter when I bench press all the pressure on my chest
Lost another friendship hopin' they forgive me, I forgive them
This wasn't my intention
I'm only human
It's hard to count all of my mistakes I've made
I'm only human
Don't have the power to save the day, I can't
I'm only human
Nobody's perfect, I've been ashamed of things I've done
I need improvement, I need to work it
So many things for change to come
I'm only human

Butterfly kisses 💋


Tiffany’s wedding Nov 2015

This picture came up in my memories last week and I cried because you can see the love radiating from my baby boy’s face and now after all that has happened to us in the past years he’s angry and sad and just not that same boy I raised but some boy others peoples hands have had in raising him. 😫😮‍💨😭

End note: look how beautiful I looked.

I plead insane


Ugh, I heard they lookin' for Tarrel
They gon' put him in a cell
Man, I should be doin' well
But I took another L
Put the clip into the pistol 'fore they pick it
Then I pull the city's sales
Buck a bullet, go to hell
You would swear that they been well
They never let me get my mail
Everyday a nigga yell
"When I get up out this motherfucker homie, I'ma come and ring yo bell."
Nigga, can't nobody tell
If I'm cocky or confident
Probably but obvious, not even competent
Medication, it will drop on the side of 'em
Doctor was not woke and I'd make a mock of it
I was sane as a newborn baby
But solitary came and my mantra is monstrous
Couldn't even call my father or mama
But fall to the point of the awkward anonymous
How did it
Get to the point where they givin' a nigga bologna sandwiches every day instead of burgers?
Now wicked
I pick a pen up and get up and then I get information and start plottin' out murders
Wild with it
Every CO we know he or she won't see home, I'm finna take 'em further
You now get it
Anybody that got at me really want me to help, hold, you finna get murdered
I don't wanna keep another grudge
I don't wanna see another judge
I don't wanna be the one to drop a couple people in the mud
Chopper with the beam, a nigga bust
How the fuck that means I'm gonna follow what I'm dreaming of because
I got a couple demons and they tough
They prolly wanna leave me on the bottom
But I'm bleedin' with the love
Then again, I gotta tell 'em how I'm feelin' when they ask
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
Insane
I don't wanna keep another grudge
I don't wanna see another judge
I don't wanna be the one to drop a couple people in the mud
Chopper with the beam, a nigga bust
How the fuck that means I'm gonna follow what I'm dreaming of because
I got a couple demons and they tough
They prolly wanna leave me on the bottom
But I'm bleedin' with the love
Then again, I gotta tell 'em how I'm feelin' when they ask
I plead insane
This that Prince of Egypt flow
Let my people go
Picked all peek-holes, boy that piece'll blow
Ain't no peace no mo'
Jeepers creepers, the police should know
He keep it like Iwo Jima though
Middle finger to a penal code
While I'm grabbin' on my big dick, that's my penal code
Got E, got weed and coke
Ain't nothing that we ain't seen befo'
One day gonna be exposed
How they really do they own people, to each his own
In the streets where demons roam
No Caesar but that's how I leave ya dome
If I need you
Even if I was at Remo Island, I couldn't be controlled
I done seen evil past this life
I done seen people sacrifice
I done seen people laugh at Christ
Like no such thing as an afterlife
I done seen people eat each other
And speakin' of, how's ya appetite?
I done seen reptilians in human form and morph forth and back at night
Tell me they got to, I speak, he's real
Real murder for God truth, I think we will kill
Tellin' me what, I gotta eat these pills ho
Is it a lot, if we think we feel
I feel like I really wanna delete these spills
Over the track, fuck the beat, he's ill
And maybe somebody will come and get me up out of this shit I'm in before the government leaves me killed
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane (insane)
I plead insane
Insane
I don't wanna keep another grudge
I don't wanna see another judge
I don't wanna be the one to drop a couple people in the mud
Chopper with the beam, a nigga bust
How the fuck that means I'm gonna follow what I'm dreaming of because
I got a couple demons and they tough
They prolly wanna leave me on the bottom
But I'm bleedin' with the love
Then again, I gotta tell 'em how I'm feelin' when they ask
I plead insane

Constructive criticism?


I can handle critism as long as it is constructive and comes from a genuine position.

What I don’t accept; critism from an anonymous source or fake page. That’s when it becomes laughable.

What I don’t understand is why keep up with someone you don’t like? One thing, I’ve seen a lot. 1 not a single person has enquired about my mental health. I’m aware “my crazy is showing.” Well I have never hid it but duh, on purpose, it’s been that way on purpose since I started asking for help. I wonder if they think my mental state is because of the circus show? Oh how wrong they would be.

Please keep in mind how long I been alone and had people against me. That’s definitely not it. It’s the home front, actually. But they wouldn’t have any idea about unless I told you which I don’t because what’s the point?

What about my addiction? If you could actually hear me when I speak 🗣️ it’s not even as bad as assumed, leme guess I ain’t taking my meds either? Laugh out loud

But when it comes to my kids I lose my mind LITERALLY. There’s nothing I can do about it either. No support, nothing. And The problem is why I been in a dark place for months and when voices get called a fuck up and told good I was suicidal because of her. Now let’s add to that it’s being done to my 8 year old son and there’s nothing I can do to protect either one.

I spoke up, my voice doesn’t matter. No one believes me. I’m tired. So peanut gallery, what do you suggest? No wait I know, do everyone the favor right? Psh if only y’all were so lucky. I’ve attempted more than enough times to know better now.

Just in case my thoughts haven’t made sense. Stop judging me for doing my best to keep my sanity since my kids were taking from me and king I have no way out this situation and can’t protect my kids who depend on me always being there. I’m here trapped not being able to do anything but watch it happen that it’s self is torture. Especially when I’m so close to them and still can’t do anything.

And to think 🤔 “my priorities are fucked up” is an ignorant assumption for paying so close attention. I’m drowning here barely surviving cause my kids need me and without the choices I make I wouldn’t be here at all. Stop speaking on something you know nothing about. It makes you look ignorant and cruel. Fact check your information and get educated

Deja vu 😮‍💨😫


What do I do? Seriously  sincerely. asking what do you do when taking my kids already fucked met up mentally and is still currently because she used them against me. Now my sons mental health is being strongly affected. 

I raised these kids without the help of anyone’s input without any problem whatsoever VERY WELL. They were so good and respectful. Well as the end of last school year he’s been acting out. Uncontrollable anger in school. BUT where it stems from? Her and him wanting to be home with mama. Well that I am doing my best to handle.

BUTTTT here’s the kicker. Yesterday my son was laying on the floor and said “he deserves to lay on the floor” UMMM WHAT???

Now I have always showed my kids their worth and even with them being taken made sure they knew that I loved them and never would leave them. They know who’s the one who got them.

Back to the deja vu, once again I’m sitting here spiraling 🌀 and spiraling with no one to turn to about the situation to even TALK to about it. What do i do? Who do I turn to? Where’s my support team? Oh yeah I forgot I’m the bad guy.

She said she doesn’t want him to turn out like me. Mentally that is. Well let me inform her, he’s 8 and is already showing the signs of it and mine didn’t til I was 18.

Ending note- she never said anything to him about he belongs on the floor; but the way she talks to him (I’m not there so idk what she says) but I’ve heard her speak to them out of line and corrected her numerous times about not calling them stupid and stuff.
Leaving this here🫡

Always told you


Mama always told me, Papa always warned me
Don't hang around with boys like you
Teacher always told me never to be naughty
Don't mess around with boys like you
Mama always told me, Papa always warned me
Don't hang around with boys like you
Teacher always told me never to be naughty
Don't mess around with boys like you
They talk a lot
Your friends say he's troublesome
"Don't do it, you'll get hurt"
But, they don't know where I'm coming from
'Cause if I do make you the one, I could never love another one
I'm just saying, give it a chance
I don't see what you're running from
Love is pain, love is risk
On the flip side, love is bliss
Honestly, let's go for this
Take a shot, not gonna miss
All started with just a kiss
I walked up and grabbed your wrists
Fast forward the crash course
Now we're here, imagine this (you know)
Love comes for a season or a reason
Some things you gotta know before you leavin'
Know this goes against everythin' you believe in
But, I'm crazy about you, this ain't pretend
Mama always told me, Papa always warned me
Don't hang around with boys like you
Teacher always told me never to be naughty
Don't mess around with boys like you
Mama always told me, Papa always warned me
Don't hang around with boys like you
Teacher always told me never to be naughty
Don't mess around with boys like you
Label me as a bad guy
Safe bet, I'm the anti
Chastise, throw dirt on me
That's how it is, don't ask why
But, everyone's got their opinion
But I don't know why cats lie
I would never let that fly
Honestly, I'm not that guy
Now, don't believe everything you hear
All these people wanna interfere
Fuck 'em all, it's our world
Can't let 'em get into here
We could really build something strong
Think where we could be in a year
You've gotta give me a fair chance
Before you tell me we're finished here
Already know you've been hurt before
Understand what you're afraid of
Talk sheep, actions speak
Let me show you, I'm demonstrative
We could rewrite the old stories
Let's get it started, let's get creative
'Cause I'm the one, honestly, loyalty is what I'm made of
Mama always told me, Papa always warned me
Don't hang around with boys like you
Teacher always told me never to be naughty
Don't mess around with boys like you
Mama always told me, Papa always warned me
Don't hang around with boys like you
Teacher always told me never to be naughty
Don't mess around with boys like you

FYI


1 I’m one of the most stubborn people I know. 2 I don’t take threats lightly.

AND thirdly.. I will never be part of a con, scam ect. That’s fraudulent and cheating yourself .

Let me let you in on the secret of this “game” being played. I know who’s who, what’s what and what I’m doing. I absolutely WILL not fall for some lame ass con that’s obvious from the moon.

Think I’m rude and mean? That’s on purpose I WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME ALONE. YEAHHH I’m crazy but I can promise you this not 1 time someone said I was tripping was I ever tripping.

Now tell me this, could you do all of what you do, legitimately? No scams, hacks, or No? Ima go with no. No real names, made up “companies” Ayden and tooslow are just two I will mention. Ayden makes my soul burn and the right person knows exactly why.

Humanity


Save me from myself, I really need your help
I’m going under
Save me from myself, I don’t really want to wonder,
I’m going under

I don’t know if You can see me right now
through all the smoke
Plus I’m caught in my feelings right now
I’m losing hope
So I hope You take this serious now
Cause if You don’t
I won’t be around for You to hear year from now
God, I thought we were past this
Conversations all past tense
Bout to kill myself it’s that tense
Sick inside I can’t mask this!
I can’t mask this!!
I don’t care if what I do hurts You
I trade my evil for Your evil
Cause hurt people gone hurt people
Then turn around n say You’re evil


Save me from myself, I really need your help
I’m going under
Save me from myself, I don’t really want to wonder,
I’m going under

I don’t know if You can hear me right now
I lost my voice
From shouting cause I’m furious now
I got no choice
So I hope You take this serious now
Or the next noise
Is silence… while I close my eyelids
Thought You would never go
Yeah I know I said let me go
I didn’t think that You would let me though
Said I hate You, never meant it though!
I never meant it no!!
I didn’t know the road that I was on was wrong
I didn’t know that there was no going back
I didn’t know that it was bout life or death and not right or wrong
Nobody told that…


Save me from myself, I really need your help
I’m going under
Save me from myself, I don’t really want to wonder,
I’m going under

Yo… I hope you understanding me now
See this ain’t
About my life, this bout humanity now
And we can’t
See black or white, we must see family now
While the media blinding with hate
baiting us to take sides with tragedies how?
How God? How we get this lost??
Jesus! How we forget Your cross?!
Religion, Race, Politics, take a pick
Talk about it watch em split quick cause it piss folks off!
But this pissed me off!!
For the last time
We gotta change now we don’t have time
Flag flying, one Nation under God
Or we go under dog, flatline

Can’t cancel me


can't be canceled, there's no way that you can stop me 
I'm fully independent, there's no label who can drop me
Y'all been starting rumors, let me help you with some, ya
"I'm a racist, I'm a sexist, I'm in love with Donald Trump"
Y'all can't cancel me, my life is scandal-free
There ain't no sponsors taking losses 'cause the brand is me
My hands are clean, my family and my fans agree
Y'all can't cancel me for facts because you're mad and weak
Go ahead and tell the world I'm ugly and racist
I braid my hair, and I don't care about cultural appropriation
I lived in the ghetto, lived in South Central, there's no Caucasians
And still I loved every single one of my neighbors
How's a man say I'm clickbait if he gonna use this face
To get clicks on his page? Y'all hypocrites are bitch-made
But I ain't tripping 'bout these bullies, it ain't sixth grade
Go ahead and diss me, tryna sell a couple mixtapes

I'm not afraid, take my face and my name, paste it on the front page
I'm already famous, and you'll never change it by hating or claiming you'll take it away
My grind wicked, write my rhymes different, you could try to quantify, define limits
There's a dying gimmick in denying winning, this is pure fire, this ain't white privilege
I do what I want, get all the Gucci and Louis Vuitton
Outta my closet, outta my crib, I do not want it, that is for kids
That is for rappers who ask you to produce their beats for free, pretending online like they're rich
I am not playing it safe, I said what I said, it is what it is

I don't care if you mad at me, okay?
Go ahead and change the channel
Don't waste your time tryna cancel me, okay?
They love me 'cause they know that I'm an asshole
Say what you want, I guess it is what it is
Haters can talk, but they can't cancel the kid
Go 'head and go off, try and say this is it
But I swear to God you can't cancel the kid

Everybody knows my name from local folks to global fame
I'm vocal 'bout the social justice movements, I expose the fakes
Turn rappers into ghosts in graves, make no mistake, they bones will break
I'll throw them in the wolf enclosure, slowly turn and close the cage
Acres full of sheep, you know that I'm the only G.O.A.T., I'm great
They spoke my name to mostly hate, I don't complain, I'm woke, I wait
A total focused soldier, wrote the Art of War, know every page
I'm numb to all the dumbness, smoke tobacco laced with Novocaine
I won't behave, I stoke the flames, I'll choke they throats, with golden chains
Use vocal cords as skipping ropes, and jump till I am soaked in brains
From open plains to coastal waves, to solar rays in open space
Can't find nobody doper 'less you poke your veins and snort cocaine
Whoa, y'all can't cancel me
Just get mad that I'm the man until you smash the screen
Like whoa, I can handle heat
I walked through hell in open sandals drinking gasoline, ya

I could've been a star, could've had a mansion and a car
And a Grammy album on the charts, I'm a Savage Randy with the bars
I don't rap 'bout Xanax, goddamn it, can't cancel facts, we need answers
Championing trash to the masses actually massively damages, ya
Keep tryna cancel me, ya, I own the masters, so ya
I make the beats, I write the songs, I own the cameras, ya
I could've been famous, dumbed my music down till it's basic
Get it on the hottest Spotify playlist, modify my catalog and go mainstream, ya

I don't care if you mad at me, okay?
Go ahead and change the channel
Don't waste your time tryna cancel me, okay?
They love me 'cause they know that I'm an asshole
Say what you want, I guess it is what it is
Haters can talk, but they can't cancel the kid
Go 'head and go off, try and say this is it
But I swear to God you can't cancel the kid

I feel like all these rappers lately on a mission
They're starting drama, they don't really want no problems, so they talk in whispers
Don't even start, no competition, y'all are finished
They say they're feeling froggy, but I bet none of these frogs gon' ribbit
They think I'm soft, but I promise y'all that I'm solid
Like a rock inside a teflon box and dipped in carbon fiber liquid
I'm not religious, but I'll walk with Christians
If Jesus died for all my sins, he'd need a million crosses tall as buildings
Whoa, y'all can't cancel me
I'm a god and you're the devil, stop attacking me
Like whoa, nails in my hands and feet
Y'all some snakes, I don't eat fruit from that apple tree
I ain't doing features or buying beats, I'm a wolf, I don't lie with sheep
I am what I am, and I can't hide my teeth
Way too many rumors, I'm like, "Who said it?
Never met him; if he dissed me, probably 'bout to drop a new record"

I do what I want, don't matter if I get approval or not
Y'all ain't gonna cyberbully me or try to push on me until I'm becoming some dude who I'm not
Head full of ludicrous thoughts, producing the songs, my music is truth and you're brutally shocked
I'm shooting my shot, I'm Biggie, I'm Shady, I'm new school 'Pac
Go ahead and call me a piece of garbage, make a starving artist your primary target
I'm the largest monster in the farthest darkness, now my claws are sharpened, I'm an army sergeant
If people wanna hate, then I'm grateful, it's only gonna make what I say less painful
Look at my face, embrace, I'm unstable, I ain't gonna break or shake or feel shameful

I don't care if you mad at me, okay?
Go ahead and change the channel
Don't waste your time tryna cancel me, okay?
They love me 'cause they know that I'm an asshole
Say what you want, I guess it is what it is
Haters can talk, but they can't cancel the kid
Go 'head and go off, try and say this is it
But I swear to God you can't cancel the kid


Tom McDonald-canceled

Pain that changes you.


Let’s talk about the kind of pain that changes you. 

First.. after 8 years building a life, future and family with someone, they do a complete 180 on you and no the same person you knew.

They plan, conspire against you to kill you, torture, hold you hostage.

You see things you never thought you would ever even have to worry about seeing. Seeing unbelievable things that break your mind. You find out the written plan to kill you.

I’m sorry I said pain. That’s not right. It didn’t hurt. It obliterated, destroyed me, but no it wasn’t painful.

it was like dying but no darkness, no light, just silence and confusion.

But hold on there’s more

That alone changes you.

Once all the destruction is done and you finally end up leaving for good, everyone close to you either don’t care enough to ask and or ghosts at the time you need them the most. Still not done

After the second visitation weekend with their dad your daughter tells you “it makes me uncomfortable when daddy lays next to me” “daddy bathed me”(he never changed a diaper or bath from it being awkward) and that he touched her. Nope still not done. 

Your family doesn’t even care enough to even ask what happened. Man I should be done by now you’d think but nope let me continue.
Read More »

I just won’t fit


When they can’t make you or break you they try and fit you in a box. First off, what box? Secondly, I won’t ever fit in anybox you try and fit me in.

They try and label me as this and that but that doesn’t make me that. The only label I accept is my name. They don’t like it when you stand up and speak out.

They’re scared of your strength and because your relentless, bounce back kind of soul. 

They hate they can’t manipulate you anymore. Keep doing what you do best. Don’t change.

You are the right one.

They try and ruin your name and credit.

Your character will be your leading factor. It out weighs them all put together.

Watch when everyone sees what they heard wasn’t true; that’s how a lie works in your favor.

It’s almost time. Remember don’t be sorry but stay humble. It’s all worth it and you will be given back 10 fold. You’ll win. You will be free. No more cage, your wings out and free. 

Just a little more fight. Your one your ancestors have been waiting for and your doing a great job.

Him

Respect


Everyone wants it very little give it. Same with honesty. These days people don’t know what loyalty is. Those three things are all I ask of anyone. Thats it. Loyalty, Honesty, Respect. You fuck up one you fuck all three. I have been so loyal I betrayed myself. But I no longer will let my loyalty disrespect myself ever again. Everyone loves the truth that comes out my mouth until it doesn’t suit them.

I’m not scared of the consequences of speaking the truth. 

See the truth became a tool for me.

When I was a kid I got called a pathological liar even when I was telling the truth.

So I started telling the truth about everything as a defense mechanism; as I got older it became so natural it was no longer a defense mechanism but who I was.

If you always tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.

The truth is solid you can’t break the truth.
I never lie because I don’t fear anything. People only lie when they have something to fear.

How high my morals are it makes me very uncomfortable, sick feeling if you must to lie so I dont.

Never ask me to lie for you. I won’t even lie for myself.

Personal quote
Read More »

Perfectly said


Just wanted to say FUCK those who ever put their hands on me, FUCK those who minimized my pain and gaslighted my experience, FUCK those who talk behind my back because they are scared of the truth, and FUCK those who blame me for shutting down as a child. FUCK all of you. I don’t need any unsolicited advice or opinions, just had to get that out real quick… part of my healing and grieving, I’m fine, everything’s fine.

You can’t tell what happens to all our kids within a parent’s absence


This song will get the people talking
So everybody quiet, please settle down
It's apparent like a mom and dad
That this song like Pac needs to get around
Now think about a ghetto child whose mom and dad are never found
So they get placed all day around to whoever now
And let's say it's all broken people around them
So their mirror a broken mirror soon is where they're headed wow
Like a chopper, I'll attempt to cover hella ground
Daycare and rent cost the same, check it out
So while you're training for a new job
Your baby is around people with no home training
Let me stress it now
If one in five girls or one in 20 boys gets assaulted
Sexually in America, that's hella wild
Not to mention if you do the math it means that there is somebody potentially around them that gets aroused
And due to strict nature that a parent has
If something happens to them they'll be scared to go and tell 'em how
Somebody violated them, it could be family or still a baby unable to speak, an undeveloped child
And what will soon develop all distorted views on sex on top of low self-esteem plus depression now
Even being withdrawn, suicide is where it led him, wild, is the picture starting to develop now?
Now picture every family's deep dark secrets that everyone fakes to forget about
And picture how the family reunions have to feel with your anxiety while you're faking hella smiles
Then picture the street code 'cause everybody's seen it
It don't matter if you're black, white, yellow, brown
And the prisons don't even have to let him out
Because of charges that you never filed on a pedophile
So many are hurt and take no action
The type of hurt that many don't come back from
So please be aware 'cause you can't tell what happens
To all our kids within a parent's absence
where was my mommy? Where was my dad?
(And the babies say) where was my mommy? Where was my dad?
(Let the children say) where was my mommy? Where was my dad?
(They were feeling like) where were my parents? Oh, I'm so sad
Ain't no telling the thoughts of an individual grown
When 90 percent of the life, the kid was alone
Where was your mom and daddy, not getting along?
And dating a bunch of strangers that enter your home
Embarrassing killers 'cause now your kid is exposed
They wanna be like you so now they get to indulge
The little ones see you constantly pick up the phone
And you forgot to set the parental controls
The more I think about it yo' my temperament grows
'Cause back then, informing us wasn't digital, bro
The men and women that did it were sickening, yo
With no computer to sit behind, it was physical bro
Because it happened to me and then think so many before
These are bars for the deserving of imprisonment, bro
And to think I was busy minding my business, you know
Playing Sega Genesis, eating a cinnamon roll
Damn, now my sex addiction it grows
Love isn't connected to it, it wasn't close
Too many relationships have ended in float
So my drive was for intercourse and I did it to cope
Riding 'round listening to Citizen Cope
About to burn a Penitentiary and it was the most
Vivid description that I can feel in my soul
'Cause it was more mental how I'm really engulfed
I gotta sickening soul dark, it was lit up before
But now it's rigid and dull, I gotta dip it in gold
As an infant, was immature, had to give up the ghost
I was robbed of my innocence, pennies ripped from my coat
This is the most intrinsic 'cause when you're ripping the flow
The tears I did when I wrote this, it was written in gold
To only be gotten by victims, you don't get it, you know
If you ain't been through it, quit your insolence, give 'em a poke
This is a dose, General 'So
So many are hurt and take no action
The type of hurt that many don't come back from
So please be aware 'cause you can't tell what happens
To all our kids within a parent's absence
where was my mommy? Where was my dad?
(And the babies say) where was my mommy? Where was my dad?
(Let the children say) where was my mommy? Where was my dad?
(They were feeling like) where were my parents? Oh, I'm so sad
Save the children, y'all
Save the children, y'all
Save the children, y'all
Save the children, y'all
Where was mommy? Where was my dad?
Where was mommy? Where was my dad?
Where was mommy? Where was my dad?
Where were my parents? Oh, I'm so sad

I can’t get ahead of myself


Think I'm addicted to bad news
Evervone I love ends up bein' stab wounds
Maybe they did what they had to
I'm better off alone or give me liquor and tattoos
I feel like nothin' takes the stress away (stress away)
This bible's promise send me better days (better days)
I give in my chest and I get led astray
So fuck these promises I said I'd never break
I pray for peace, yet I prepare for war I'm 24, but these tears could fill a reservoir You bitches think you know me, you don't
Throw a hundred million stones trying to break me, you won't (break me, you won't)
I can't get ahead of myself (myself)
I should try and better myself (myself)
But I'm drowning in the deep end And it feels like no one sees it
Someone, please give me a reason I should stay
Look, I thought I quit doin' dope for good Been smokin' cones of wood 'cause I I'm really wishin' I was drunk
I've become accustomed to the sober life
Overnight, took a year and nine months
Like it don't mean shit

I got these trust issues


You should probably do yourself a favor and just leave me alone
'Cause I don't even like most people I know
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I'ma keep it real I'm doing me I had to swallow my pride
'Cause I took a look around and seen they not on my side
I got these trust issues (it's not my fault either, baby)
Trust issues
I got these trust issues
Trust issues, yeah
Look I'm just being honest witchu
Those ain'tcha homies that shits artificial
They show you love when you leave the room
And then they start to diss you
These are the lessons that I have learned
And it gets hard to live through
'Cause I'm a fully automatic you a starter pistol
I caught a glimpse of reality once I started poppin'
And now I see the bigger picture but it's hard to watch it
They try to stop you by back stabbin' for minor profits
The fuckin' liars those guys are often disguised as offence
I spot a opps behind closed doors now I'm the locksmith
I'm on a flight to the tropics smoking inside the cockpit
Bitch I'm a problem, no math teacher could try to solve it
World on my shoulders, I'm bench pressin' entire continents
It's kinda funny how they act like I still owe 'em favors
Shit is motivation simply 'cause I'm going major
There's no debatin' now I'm Canada's best
So I guess it's up to you where on the atlas is next (it's Big Merk)
You should probably do yourself a favor and just leave me alone
'Cause I don't even like most people I know
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I'ma keep it real I'm doing me I had to swallow my pride
'Cause I took a look around and seen they not on my side
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I got these trust issues (I'm tryna tell 'em, man)
Trust issues, yeah
They show you love but it's only 'cause its a deeper meanin'
The lines are blurry I need a reason to see between 'em
They can't grasp that I been the reason they even eating
My phone's ringing they need a feature they see my remix
Give me a break I need a moment to myself
'Cause every single time I need a hand there's no one there to help
So I resort to self destruction I don't know nothing else
All that hopelessness I felt was almost like I'm thrown in jail
But I quit the complaining I'm trying to give you the basics
'Cause they don't really give a fuck it's just a picture they painted
I try not to believe it like it's a different occasion
But it's simple and plain it
They'll use your friendship to gain shit
But it's unfortunate the more they get the more they play the part
They always say this shits for real but I can see they fake at heart
But I can give a fuck less
Now I'm better off alone
I just kick my fuckin' feet up
I ain't gettin off the throne, it's Big Merk
You should probably do yourself a favor and just leave me alone
'Cause I don't even like most people I know
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I'ma keep it real I'm doing me I had to swallow my pride
'Cause I took a look around and seen they not on my side
I got these trust issues
Trust issues
I got these trust issues
Trust issues, yeah

Not a source of news but all I say is truth tho🫠


Verse]
I smack you right up out the Metaverse (Pow)
So hit the dirt when I get to work (Yeah)
Try to wrap your mind around it and your head will burst
Got them cell block bars, we in Leavenworth
Come in and conquer the game, got 'em on red alert
Living through this hell on Earth that we call reality
As we've come accustomed to these fuckin' abnormalities
Mandates and laws and having a fuckin' mask on me
No one thinkin' rationally, they lost the capacity
And as a free thinker im inevitably
Labeled a danger as they questioning my efficacy
I'm just here to say whatever I see
Stirrin' up a little vaccine hesitancy
Because celibacy's just the way that I think, 'cause I don't give a fuck (Naaa)
There ain't no gender fluidity with my dick and nuts (Nope)
Not to say that that's a problem, 'cause it isn't but
Don't we have some more important issues to be bringin' up?
I don't know, coming together against a common foe?
Instead of knockin' eachother down like we playin' dominoes (Shit)
The world economic forum, shit those fuckers gotta go
And fuck big pharma, but I like some of their products though (True)
I guess we're all just hypocrites at least a little bit
Even if it's something that y'all rarely ever will admit
But can we throw some self awareness on the syllabus and hold ourselves accountable?
Hmm, while y'all consider it
I'll call myself out right now and do it gladly
Yell "They'll never vax me!"
While I snort a thirty milly addy, and a xanny, so get at me
Say I contradict my own beliefs, yeah exactly
We all say stuff that conflicts what we do
You can say that I suck, guess what? So do you
There ain't a perfect person that anyone's ever knew
So I'll point this loaded gun at your point of view (Pow)
How 'bout the kids these days, always holdin' those phones
Like I'm not level thirty nine on Pokemon Go
I'm a hypocrite, so let me say it again
I just smoked a couple boagies on the way to the gym
Yeah, I live like a heathen
God's someone I don't really believe in
But ask for his help when I got a reason
Put up fifty grand last year to protect the animals in an African region, but I'm not a vegan (Sorry)
Shit I love a good burger, don't blame me (Don't)
Even climate change can't change me (No)
2022 new year, same me, same motherfuckin' gang baby, EightyHD
Keep the flow fresh while the critics take apart
Every single word that don't align with what they say is art
Fuck a music chart, my music already made a mark
I'm Megalodon, y'all do-do-do baby shark
So pull 'em up, go and show my stats
All these years that I've been grindin' 'til I broke my back
My words spark reaction, shout out to No Life Shaq
Haters chirp and I don't write back
I'mma take over the map, Connecticut to Iraq
Shit I'm running for the office of presidency of rap
Kissin' babies, shakin' hands like an Nintendo rumble pack
Fuck the competition, never cut 'em slack
Yeah I cook 'em up like Artie Bucco
And serve 'em with Prosciutto
Pushin' all the snakes out my circle, I keep it sumo
Do not come around if your deficiency's immuno
I'm (*coughs*) the sickest motherfucker you know
Playin' every card in my hand 'til I'm yellin' Uno
Not a source of news but all I say is truth though
Let's go Brandon, yell it from the roof, yo
Shout to my Canadian fans, but fuck Trudeau
I'm Cujo, and you could never tie me on a leash
I'm that shadow banned bandit, they can't silence what I speak
Fuck a tyrant, I'm a beast
I'm a giant, hit the sirens when I slide up on the beats
Then like ivy on the trees, see them numbers growing up, and all without a deal
Living proof that there gon' always be a market for the real
Motherfuck the algorithms tryna target how you feel
Fuck your partisan arguments, I'm the hardest on the field
And I hit another three pointer from the half-court
Nothin' but some net, I don't even hit the backboard (Swish)
Rap game vet, here to give 'em what they ask for
'til I get whacked by CIA task force
'Cause they know the way I flip on whacks
And kill all rappers, yeah I never miss on that
Wednesday before last but we still on track

No 🫣


No see I’my
I might be honest, I am astonished
When I'm reading what you typin', it's like you really hooked on phonics
Fuckin' ebonics, message coming through like you really want it
I am bionic, whenever I palm it
See the light is coming at you like comets
And right through your bonnet, make your mama vomit
But you runnin' from me like you was Sonic
Why they invisible when it really hit the fan, damn chickens?
I'ma let you know why, 'cause I got the blam-blam kickin'
With the clan, man, listen, get the fam-bam trippin'
You become what a Muslim think of a ham sandwich in a Imam 'lam kitchen
Saying to myself, when I see him I'ma heat 'em because I can't stand bitchin'
Vietnam ambition
Land to himself, I'ma bleed him if I meet him, and from the land transition
Talk a lot online, never meet up with us
Cleaver this fuck
But you won't show 'cause you're the beaver, you're bust
Feed you the dust
Go grieve 'em as I walk with more freedom
But it would be magical to grab the foe
I had to show but no see umz (where y'all at?)
We outside, we don't see 'em (where y'all at?)
They just talk, no see umz (where y'all at?)
Man up, show yourself, don't run and hide now (uh)
Show me what y'all 'bout, I wanna find out (yeah, look, look)
No see um
We been outside and you haters been stuck in your Google search
We been here, taking these flights
Doing shit that you only could see up on Google Earth
But if it's one thing I'ma do, then I'ma do the work
If you was hopin' that I failed, then get your feelings hurt
'Cause motherfuckers try to blackball me, try to pass on me
But I'ma get every fuckin' thing that I been deserved
Like booyah, you bitch, you
Always got a magazine for the issue
But this ain't shit you flip through
You all bark, no bite, you shitzu
Y'all thought that I was braggin', I ain't did it yet
I been killin' everything and I'ma get the benefits
Card ain't got no limit but I'm finna pay with Benjamin's
Haters hating on me but I never shared the sentiment
Look, bitch, better yet
Cord obsidian, light another Phillie and
Hit another city and get another bitty and
Skin tone cinnamon, bitches really winning and
Snowstorm hit again
Boy, I'm really doing this shit, no photo-op
Snow still going off, somewhere out in Bogota
Jammin' to some Don Omar, bank like "Como estas"
With a bad bitch that don't even need no photoshop
Boy, I'm really doing this shit 'cause I been that
Been broke, came up, never went back
Way I'm movin' internationally'll give you whiplash
I been having money talks, what the fuck's a chit-chat?
Please don't hit my line tryna get a reply like I owe you a why, 'cause I don't
And fuck all you haters 'cause I'm fresh outta favors
I already helped y'all when I was broke, bitch (where y'all at?)
We outside, we don't see 'em (where y'all at?)
They just talk, no see umz (where y'all at?)
Man up, show yourself, don't run and hide now
Show me what y'all 'bout, I wanna find out
No see um
We're just mindin' our business
We ain't botherin' nobody
Then we get the word, that y'all talkin' shit
Then we go out, we don't see you motherfuckers, nigga
Where y'all at?
We outside, we don't see 'em (where y'all at?)
They just talk, no see umz (where y'all at?)
Man up, show yourself, don't run and hide now
Show me what y'all 'bout, I wanna find out
No see um
We all over the world though
Y'all know where we be at
But y'all keyboard warriors, we no see umz
Nowhere we go

Slim Katie


Man, whatever

Dre, just let it run
Ayo, turn the beat up a little bit
Ayo, this song is for anyone...
Fuck it, just shut up and listen, ayo
I sit back with this pack of Zig-Zags and this bag
Of this weed, it gives me the shit needed to be
The most meanest MC on this on this Earth
And since birth I've been cursed with this curse to just curse
And just blurt this berserk and bizarre shit that works
And it sells and it helps in itself to relieve all this tension
Dispensing these sentences, getting this stress
That's been eating me recently off of this chest
And I rest again peacefully
But at least have the decency in you
To leave me alone, when you freaks see me out
In the streets when I'm eating or feeding my daughter
To not come and speak to me
I don't know you, and no, I don't owe you a mothafuckin' thing
I'm not Mr. N'Sync, I'm not what your friends think
I'm not Mr. Friendly, I can be a prick if you tempt me
My tank is on empty, no patience is in me
And if you offend me, I'm lifting you ten feet in the air
I don't care who was there and who saw me just jaw you
Go call you a lawyer, file you a lawsuit
I'll smile in the courtroom and buy you a wardrobe
I'm tired of all you, I don't mean to be mean
But that's all I can be, it's just me
And I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, every day I am
Radio won't even play my jam
'Cause I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, every day I am, huh
I don't know, it's just the way I am
Sometimes I just feel like my father
I hate to be bothered with all of this nonsense, it's constant
And, oh, it's his lyrical content, the song Guilty Conscience
Has gotten such rotten responses
And all of this controversy circles me
And it seems like the media immediately points a finger at me
So I point one back at 'em, but not the index or pinkie
Or the ring or the thumb, it's the one you put up
When you don't give a fuck, when you won't just put up
With the bullshit they pull, 'cause they full of shit too
When a dude's getting bullied and shoots up his school
And they blame it on Marilyn and the heroin
Where were the parents at? And look where it's at!
Middle America, now it's a tragedy
Now it's so sad to see, an upper-class city
Havin' this happenin'
Then attack Eminem 'cause I rap this way
But I'm glad, 'cause they feed me the fuel that I need
For the fire to burn and it's burning, and I have returned
And I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, every day I am
Radio won't even play my jam
'Cause I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, every day I am
I don't know, it's just the way I am
I'm so sick and tired of being admired
That I wish that I would just die or get fired
And dropped from my label, let's stop with the fables
I'm not gonna be able to top on "My Name Is"
And pigeon-holed into some poppy sensation
To cop me rotation at rock-n-roll stations
And I just do not got the patience
To deal with these cocky Caucasians
Who think I'm some wigger who just tries to be black
'Cause I talk with an accent, and grab on my balls
So they always keep asking the same fucking questions
What school did I go to, what hood I grew up in
The why, the who, what, when, the where and the how
'Til I'm grabbing my hair and I'm tearin' it out
'Cause they driving me crazy, I can't take it
I'm racin', I'm pacin', I stand and I sit
And I'm thankful for every fan that I get
But I can't take a shit in the bathroom
Without someone standing by it
No, I won't sign you an autograph
You can call me an asshole, I'm glad, 'cause...
I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, every day I am
Radio won't even play my jam
'Cause I am whatever you say I am
If I wasn't, then why would I say I am?
In the paper, the news, every day I am
I don't know, it's just the way I am

I knew when


I knew you weren’t really my friend when you brought me alcohol when I haven’t drank in a decade and on a down ward spiral

I knew you betrayed me when I read your blog

I knew you were a monster when you destroyed me with a hard on

I knew you were never going to change when you got worse. That was my blessing you would have killed me

Idk you. Can I say I ever did? How could you electrocute someone for no reason?

I knew you loved me when you seen me at all worsts of me. Psychopath, at my most broken, healed and broken again and never switched up on me. You will always be my nigga nmw but I love you

When you showed your true face and i cut you off I didn’t know what you were capable of doing fuck you

I knew y’all weren’t solid when you only disrespected my boundaries and only came around when convenient for you

I knew I was alone when after 32 years I screamed for help while drowning and no one batted an eye.

I knew I was different when I didn’t want revenge but let god handle it because I’m not the judge.

I knew I healed enough to release our connection without more healing and no desire for anything and don’t even feel the bond.

I knew I was triggered when I get hyperventilate and tense

I only knew who I was because of who I am not and finding myself again, and again, and AGAIN.

My remedy


Fun facts you can get to know me better by my music more than a blog, memes, a half ass attempt of conversation. Stalking me, ect. Music is more than therapy for me. It’s a life source.

If you don’t like Kevin’s gates or tech n9ne cause they “weird” don’t come here. Stupid weird.

I listen to a lot but mostly artists people don’t listen to either not knowing them or just not liking them cause they weird, or controversial, real.

I miss having someone to share music with. But not anyone specific just anyone. But as long as I got music I’m good nmw

My verdict


Unless we talking about the legal system I am no longer interested in trying to prove my innocence. Tbh NO ONE should have to prove their innocence in such a manner. I don’t give up cause I’m guilty or anything but because I’ve come to realize MFS don’t care about the truth not bottom line right and wrong. Some people just have little to no morals I guess?

I will continue to write because I do this for a reason not for my audience. I write for the real abuse survivors and the ones who really do struggle with their mental health. That’s why what I write is raw and the hard truth and not fiction. I stay transparent with my writings because I’m not the only one who struggles with specific issues, situations, points of view and/or mind states. Sometimes you can’t properly support someone in a situation that you never been through. There are some things I have yet to write about because I, myself have yet fathom the ordeal and/or know enough of the facts to do so.

🥴🫠😂

I guess I’m glad I could inspire others to write blogs like I was inspired to do, but that’s where I stop with kudos. False narratives and fake names take away from the supporting person. I don’t get that; if you do something your proud of why not put your name on it and own it? Never understood that part. Especially when you get published.

Joker 🃏


Give me the beat and a mic, give me the freedom to write
Give me the vision to see my demons and beat 'em at night
Give me the pen and the pad, give me a couple of stans
Gave you a percentage but I'm taking home all of the bag
Give me definitive and unlimited amounts of people loving me
And call upon everybody who came before and tell them to come
And inject me with whatever they're smoking man, I'm sick!
But I think you know that already
You call me evil but how would you know it
Unless you live it already?
You think you're better right?
Because nobodies seen what you've done in the dark
But if I put your life in this light
You would crumble and fight to survive or die
But bitch I fucking knew that already
I ain't special
But I specialize in making you feel especially stupid
For judging a human, while you sit at home
And the whole world judge can't watch what you doing
Or follow and hate all your movements
I ain't complaining but I know the people who do it
Are sicker than me, and I'm sick enough I just might lose it
Yeah, you think you know me 'cause you double tap on a picture
I hate the fact that you judge me, it's driving me crazy
So when it's too deep I say, "Fuck it" and drown in some liquor
I write these verses in blood, I got chapters
For days 'cause my heart is my biblical scripture
And I ain't a prophet but I can predict
That you'll never catch happiness till you're the pitcher
So please continue to laugh
If I'm a clown, you a circus act
When I rap it's in a surgeons mask
'Cause I place every syllable in a deliverable fashion
From first to last
Then cut back with a message that's hidden in melody
Making them think and ask
If I was the one on the table pushing, giving birth to rap
Maybe it was me
Maybe you like all my music but don't really actually love me
Maybe you just want a picture
Maybe you just want to see me 'cause you need some money
Maybe you think that I'm happy
Maybe you think in reality liking my post is repairing a hole
When it's actually shaking and cutting the soul right out of me
I think I'm sick
I feel a rush of emotion whenever I post up a pic
I got a problem
I'm in the studio rapping while this girl is sucking my dick
She cut a hole in my heart now I fill it with women
Who love me 'cause they think I'm rich
And if I be honest I just told a bitch that I care
But I really do not give a shit
So what's your excuse, what helps you sleep?
You leave a negative comment
Not knowing that what you sow, you will reap
I bet you smile when you post, thinking you're hurting me
But you see the way the brain works
You become what you speak
I need peace, but y'all can't offer that
I held my ground, I didn't sell my soul
I said fuck the fame, y'all can't take that offer back
Fuck a shelf, you can't take me off the rack
All the fame is not worth a heart attack
You're insane, you're in pain, I can tell by what you're saying
But my bad, I forgot you were fragile
I forgot someone who doesn't even know me told you I'm an asshole
I forgot that I'm a villain
I forgot that I've always spread positivity, but you think I didn't
I forgot that hatred stems from people who hate their own existence
I forgot I'm better off alone
I forgot I care for everyone's happiness, but forget about my own
I forget I spend every waking second on my phone-
Come join my circus, I'm recruiting
I'm taking everyone who passes judgement
Bitch, that's including everyone who thinks it's so amusing
To put me down while I'm pursuing
The keyboard warriors that live online
Behind a screen that's just an illusion
Come, come, come, come join my circus
You fucking pricks
I'll fuck you till you love me, then pay you to do some tricks
I don't need a doctor, I need a bag of nails and bricks
To lay down on the floor
So if you fail to land a flip you can feel what I felt
When you tried to come sink my ship
Let me explain, you all help me financially gain
But I spend my money on mental health books
And read them just to control all my pain
I don't wear clothes, but bought this chain
And just like you this chain is fake
I wear it to distract you from the blatant sadness
Written on my fucking face
What'd you expect?
Did you think I was immune to what you were saying
And didn't see all of the disrespect?
Do you think I'm not human, have no feelings?
Or maybe you think I'm fucking weak and now I'm pleading
Maybe you think I'm just too good
And that I'm fucking cheating?
Or maybe, just maybe
You're blind and the hate inside your heart
Clouds your eyes and your mind and your ears when I rhyme
Even though we all know I'm one of the best of all time (all time)

Or maybe you're just a fucking bitch and I can't-
Stop comparing me to people who are not in my league
Stop saying I don't believe in God just because you can't read
Stop making fake profiles so you can spam my feed
I'm not alone, I know there's millions out there just like me

Merky-ky-ky


My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop
I tell your girl to link me at the coffee shop
Gettin' freaky in the sheets, we're takin' body shots
Then I finish with a facial just to top it off (ayy)
My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop
I tell your girl to link me at the coffee shop
Gettin' freaky in the sheets, we're takin' body shots
Then I finish with a facial just to top it off (ayy)
You ain't got a clue, let's be honest
I had a couple seeds, I made a forest
I put in the work and take the profit
Lookin' at my girl like "What a goddess" (thank God)
Rule number two, don't make the promise
If you can't keep the deal then just be honest (just be honest)
I could never die, I'm Chuck Norris (Chuck Norris)
Fuck the government and fuck Boris (yeah)
I'm a villain, killin' when I'm barrin'
Brothers in the hood just like the movie that I star in
Servicin' my whip, I phoned the boss to bring my car in
I could probably take your chick, but I just wouldn't 'cause she's jarrin', oh
I got the sauce (sauce), don't know what you thought (thoughts)
Catch me up in the snow in my sliders and my shorts (shorts)
Chicks tryna get my brother Flipz to share his thoughts
I think he's tryna tell me I should tell her he don't talk
I don't fuck with her
Yeah, I used to hit it but you're stuck with her
Man, I wouldn't even try my luck with her
Gyal say I'm bougie (word), way too exclusive (word)
Chillin' in Dubai know I get it all inclusive (word)
Now may I ask if you can find it in your spirit (yeah)
To leave us all alone and go and mind your fuckin' business
Lookin' in the mirror sayin', "Mikey, you're the illest" (yeah)
When I'm James Bond, tryna live my movie like I'm Idris
So we telling 'em look
My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop (ayy)
I tell your girl to link me at the coffee shop (ayy)
Gettin' freaky in the sheets, we're takin' body shots (ayy)
Then I finish with a facial just to top it off (ayy)
My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop (ayy)
I tell your girl to link me at the coffee shop (ayy)
Gettin' freaky in the sheets, we're takin' body shots (ayy)
Then I finish with a facial just to top it off (ayy)
My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop
So much Vossi I might open up a Vossi shop
Mummy sayin' that I need to get some sleep
All this flyin' overseas is always fuckin' up my body clock
And all this stress has got me wrackin' at my brain (ayy, ayy)
So tell these likkle fishes back up off my name (ayy, ayy)
I ain't gotta be a rapper with a chain
Cah the rules are kinda different when you're baddin' up the game (straight)
Baddin' up the game, bad it up again (yeah)
Had 'em up before, have 'em up again (yeah)
Fake bruddas, man, your mandem will pretend (yeah)
Pussy by himself, he's battlin' with his friends
Aww, you man are so insecure, man, it's a joke (man, it's a joke)
I need a Ballon D'or, 'cause I'm the GOAT (still the GOAT)
If you believe in your source then raise a toast (raise a toast)
These are some genius thoughts so make the most
Told her "Save me some"
I need all the homage, could you pay me some?
Man a droppin' bangers on your baby mums
Gyals say I'm rude (word), they wanna see me nude (word)
My name stiff chocolate, I got nothing left to prove
I got holes in my lapel, rubbin' shoulders with your girl
Which one of, said that I would go to jail? (wah?)
Well, I guess you have to hold a L
Tell 'em "This is London city, we the hottest in the world"
What we tellin' 'em? Look
My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop (ayy)
I tell your girl to link me at the coffee shop (ayy)
Gettin' freaky in the sheets, we're takin' body shots (ayy)
Then I finish with a facial just to top it off (ayy)
My bruddas don't dab, we just Vossi bop (ayy)
I tell your girl to link me at the coffee shop (ayy)
Gettin' freaky in the sheets, we're takin' body shots (ayy)
Then I finish with a facial just to top it off (ayy)

Music 🎶


There’s nothing much of my past I miss. Music tho I do. Not music it’s self, I still got that. Thank god.

I miss listening to music with someone. Not necessarily the same ones from the past but in general. 

NOW there is one I used to listen to Spotify with I would

But only if we listened my way, my music.
The shit you could understand me better by than A BLOG, conversation, being stalked, hacked and spied on. 

If you would like to listen to a playlist of mine just ask. I got a good one for you to understand me better

Heightened


Heightened 🫡
To share certain stories with the world about things I'd usually hide
At first I was apprehensive, but I feel like I'm not the only one
To have this going on inside, so
Here it is, it's called "Heightened"


Exterior I'm angel baby, ain't no crazy
Everyone get along with me
And even the other gang don't hate me
It may appear to you that I can't go shady
And the fame sho' made me a favorite, hey there is an internal tangle lately
It's like this feeling that for so long I've been concealing
When wrong is done to me, the thoughts I have are quite chilling
Hunger within to incite killing
Evil comes and my soul is lost
Outside I'm smilin', inside I'm bitin' noses off
You're dealing with imagination of the coldest frost
If I so get crossed in a hole, it caught, and dismembered
If pricks hindered a quick-tempered
Sick member, it enters in my sixth chak', worse than Hitchcock
Thinking zip-locked if this knots distraught
Demons lucky 'cause so far I've kept it contained
Not a soul has seen my inner wicked unchained
Decievers when losing their life to me is mundane
Out is bright, the sun came and it's plumb bane
Hard times ain't no way to get softer tones
When the appointment is getting Tech doctored on
They said my health is headed when death knocks, you're gone
High cholesterol and real low testosterone!
Now I'm frightened
The self-inflicted noose around my neck is tightened
The doctors told me not to worry be enlightened
An incision made up on my butt, they were slicin' ten pellets now I'm heightened!
With this extra boost thinking I can't let the juice
Bring what's in me forward and let Lecter loose
So don't step to uce with all except the truth
Your chickens next to roost and I be pressed to shoot off the handle
Stepping incorrectly to me now is such a gamble
Encephalon is now in shambles
Difficult tryna muffle an evil exposure
With people my only concern is keeping my composure
Good is in my soul, but I'm feeling no control
This energy within me multiplying tenfold
So don't come disrespectful or you might just be the chose
By this walking ticking time-bomb come too close I might explode

Headcase🫡


Look I ain't one to be fake
I ain't nothing I'm not
I ain't come from the hood but still was running from cops
Still hung with the dealers, had the stuff in the pots
When I lived in the shot, they had the stuffed in the socks
I done been in the trap, posted up on the block
Had a tussle with SWAT, undercover were opps
I done been in the whip when niggas busting them shots
While I was in this bitch, this ain't nothing to watch
Y'all don't care what I'm saying, y'all just want me to drop
Y'all just want me to rap, y'all just want me to rock
Y'all just want me on stage, y'all just want me on tour
Gotta run it by the boss, a little lyrical more
I'm here to even things up, maybe settle the score
I be going through your fridge 'fore you enter the door
Pull myself a little Jack and put my feet on your couch
I don't want your fucking bitch, I come endearing your house
But the homie said he with it, now he beating her down
I just thought of playing music, I'ma need this shit loud
Y'all gon' feel this fucking shit with all the speakers around
Trying to irritate the neighbors I be making him proud
Y'all know Burn was in the building, fuck did y'all niggas think
Brought the table and some biddies, I said my nigga wait
And we gon' throw illegal parties at somebody's estate
Let's go buy some canvases and let's get JL to paint
Matter fact, my nigga owe me couple pictures a friend
Deano Martin send me Davis, y'all can hail to the Swank
Don't forget my nigga Henny, that's what he like to drink
Enablin', that's crazy, that's our way of showin' our thanks
I done made some mistakes, filled with anger and hate
I ain't nobody hero, I ain't hidin' a cape
24-carat manic depression violent as Frank
Some shit I just be saying cause it's exciting to say
Y'all heard

Gim– Gimme all the smoke (Gimme all the smoke)
Gim– Gimme all the smoke (Gimme all the smoke)
Gim– Gimme all the smoke (Gimme all the smoke, huh)
Fuck– Fucking with a maniac, a head case

ain't wanna be fake, I ain't nothing I'm not
I got this reputation for always fucking with thots
They always showing me love when I'm out in the spot
They wanna peck or a hug, they wanna buy me a shot
I tell her I want Patrón, she said they out of they stock
Well we can fuck up the club or just go back to your spot
I said well try me at all, I just got off the clock
So that's about three or four, you gon' be ready or not
Well umm, I'm thinking nah, I thought of something instead
How 'bout I call Uber and go and cuddle my bed
Get your swisher and zippo and snuggle up with the meds
She said who are you, I told her they call me Trouble my dear
Look I ain't one to be needing no introduction I fear
I don't speak on it, hear it, or see discussion in here
Ain't no Taven E. Johnson or Chad Buxton in here
This is Joey and Burna they bout to fuck it in here
A whole bucket, the world been overflowin' or somethin'
I been workin' on cutting, showing emotion as much
I done opened and closed it and opened and closed it enough
I need real fucking people only to show me (What's up?)
I put the Swank on the dead, six to eight in the whip
It be chaos around me, I'm just taking a sip
Cool, calm, and collected, y'all mistake it and trip
I am racing, and respected, now I'm taking these trips
I done fucked up bad, wrongdoing to many
I was stuck in my ways, I blame that on my 20's
I been trying to change, but the devil gon' tempt me
Paranoia for real, think they out there to get me
Y'all heard

I want a whole lot of weed with some Jack D
Pocket full of Benji's with a cold piece
Told a– told a bitch I put her in the friend zone
Me, my niggas, yeah we hit it for the endzone
Give me all the smoke, watch me mandate
On you avatars, check the landscape
Want an animal, shake the deadweight
Said you fucking with a maniac, a head case

Trust


Pull out my legal pad and jotted all my pain down
Attempted suicide, I tried to blow my brains out
Transportation made illegal, cash on Grayhound
Don't like the bus no more, I travel on the train now
Travel on the train now
Don’t like the bus no more, I travel on the train now
Travel on the train now
Don't like the bus no more, I travel on the train now
Just know my presence done got heavy
Please don't think of me no more
New collective in perspective
This ain’t nothing like before
On location I been slangin' cocaina, I'm on tour
Yoga poses made intentions to surrender on the floor
Released the tention from my shoulders, ain't no settling the scores
As I grew older, heart got colder, love don't live here anymore
Love don't live here anymooore
Love don't live here anymore
Thought I saw the finish line, but ain't no finish in this race
My feet hurting every day, barely sleeping, I been pacing
Back and forth, back and forth
Can’t move forward, goin’ in circles, travelin' back and forth
If home’s where the heart is then I ain't got nowhere to stay
Maybe one day find a place, searching for a new escape
Nothing's makin' sense as of late, this how I’m knowing imma be okay
I done got in shape, doing great
Disregard my emotional state
Gratitude - I done found a way to smile, even though I had a bunch ah hard days
Ay, free Finesse2Tymes, Ricky Handle
I'm riding a rental car, ouh
Strap in my lap with that iron, I deliver raw
Gutter up under me, all of these players around and they honor me
Winners are made to win
My grandmother loved me, she say I'm amazing with it
I made a great decision
Upright, independent, I'm standing on nation business
Shout out my brother Slim, can't take what we was, like flip on above the rim
They put me in jail for it, although I was innocent
Sat in the cell for it
Guess I done learn my lesson
Button go "Ehh" - closin the cell door
I turn me some treasure to cash, I went bought her ass and she bought me a bag
Now we advancing enhancing the swag, when I'm up in the racks imma get some Chanel for her
I can't complain, 'cuz I made a bunch of mistakes with the women I fell for
Blessings came circling over my head
I see em hovering
Praise to Allah, gazing up at the stars, I know he cover me
I say a prayer and it comfort me
Don't let this come up from under me, huh
All these players around and they honor me
All these players around and they honor me

Who’s ya daddy?


You know who you never hear about from me? My “father” why? Not because I got daddy issues. He was the first man to show me I never needed one. He wasn’t a deadbeat in the normal sense. He was there, I lived with him from the ages 13-16 and they had joint custody of me all the time before then. He tried to love me but resented my mom too much he couldn’t. At 13 I chose to live with him instead of moving to another state. Yeah I lived there but we really didn’t have a relationship. My step mom tried more than he did but she was just trying to “buy” my love but I saw that and played it out. In the house there was a yours, mine, and ours with the 3 girls. Can you guess which one was the odd ball? Yeah that’s right me. I hated it all but also felt the same way about my mom. Of course I was rebellious but also smart enough to keep quiet. When I was 15 I started dating someone of another race. Now I don’t see color and I hate racism. Tiger(that’s his name) was your cliché racist man. Some of the things he did was just unnecessary. Like my bus driver was black, same driver the whole 3 years. He would back up and turn around in our driveway EVERYDAY, it was routine. but all of a sudden one year we pull up to the house and hanging on the flagpole was a new flag. A rebel flag with deer on it. Yeah that’s no cool. Late my junior year my step sister flips on me and 1 makes up the most ridiculous lie ever. My boyfriend and his friends were waiting at Walmart to beat him up. Let me list the reasons why the lie is so far fetch. 1 my friend brought me home after school. 2 tiger NEVER picked me up from school(that’s why I would have been at Walmart) 3 none of us was ever worried about Tiger especially enough to “want to beat him up” because he was that clueless about it. Well that started a silent treatment for a couple weeks and after being ignored like I was a ghost I called my mom seeing my living options because this was not a good situation. Well of course I wasn’t like “hey I’m talking to mom about moving.” So when he found out I was talking to her “behind” his back he felt more played then anything and one day when I got off the bus he was at the end of the driveway and told me get in the truck and dropped me off at the end of my grandma’s driveway “like the trash I was.” That was in February. Well I moved to Houston with intentions to move to my grandmas that summer. Summer came and I didn’t want to move back. That October my great grandpa died and AT THE BURIAL, my littlest sister turned to try and I assume talk to me. She was about 10ish. They grabbed her arm and snatched her around and said don’t talk to her. I was the only one who seen it happen.

Now I did have 2 wonderful make figures in my life. My grandpas. Well when pa(my heart) the one person to make me cry about anything would always tell me I needed to apologize. For years he told me that because I didn’t have the heart to tell him the truth. Well finally after so long I had to tell him why I wasn’t going apologize. He understood fully and it actually broke his heart and he was mad at his son. Well he still wanted for him us to make amends so being a bigger person I sent both Tiger and Beth a text. Owning my shit and forgiving them for theirs. Of course I meant it but for Pa not for them. Well as aspected no response. Not because I had the wrong number after years. Here’s their response. We’re in 2017 and my ex comes home and tells me that my step mom told his mom at the dealership where she worked that they washed their hands with me.

Now let me one say.. how did they even know who each other was? No clue. 2 how did I come up? Also.. my should have been in-laws ALSO hated me because I was every thing they couldn’t control.

I mean to Tiger I was just a pawn, when I was 10-12 years old he told me I was a mistake and showed me the test results later that day. WELL IN 2013 Pa told me the real story about that.

I was 2 years old when my grandpa found out about me. And being the family they were he wanted Tiger to know for sure. (Tiger and my granny knew) so they did the dna test. Then my grandpa saw me. When he seen me he said he didn’t need to get a dna test because I looked identical to Tiger no mistake.

Not me


Now who gon' pop me?
Who gon' pop me?
Bunch of niggas in here lookin' like, "Not me"
Bunch of lookin' ass niggas I do not see
Got my slimes in this bitch and they got me
Bunch of niggas with me lookin' like, "Copy"
Bunch of lookin' ass bitches tryna watch me
No Itachi
Bitch, I'm rollin' like my nigga on Degrassi
Now who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Bunch of niggas in here lookin' like, "Not me" (Yeah)
Yes, I'm stuntin' on these niggas, let the opps see (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Put some money on my head, but your shooter missed
But you know karma is a bitch just like you a bitch
Walked in the pet store said, "Get me a cobra"
Gotta keep your friends close, enemies closer
You know wifey from Australia, she said, "Cheers, mate"
Then we toast and see how you niggas tears taste
Mix the soda and Codeine, that's a mixtape
And if you hatin', come and say it to my dick, face
But who the fuck want war? No one so far
Two cups, no straw, buss down, show paused
No medicinal 'cause I'm sick, I'm 5'5"
Them Balenci's made me 5'6"
It's my shit, nigga, smell it
I'm in the Koenigsegg, nigga, spell it
What they sellin'?
I'm goin' turbo, yeah
Stompin' on a nigga turf just like a turtle, yeah
Heard you got your own wave, no surfboard, damn
Told her, "Give me dirty head, no shampoo"
I like my blunt Remy thick, no capoose
Talkin' shit and it taste like apples
Fuck rappers
Now who gon' pop me?
Who gon' pop me? (Huh)
Who gon' pop me? (Huh)
Bunch of niggas in here lookin' like, "Not me"
Bunch of lookin' ass niggas tryna spot me
Who gon' pop me? (Huh)
Now who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Full tank, I'm on F, 'bout to pop E
Bunch of bitches lookin' at me like I'm Papi
I say, "Aquí"
Okay, who gon' pop me? (Huh? Huh?)
You not poppin' (Huh?)
My drip droppin', nigga, you gon' mop it
Get your popcorn, nigga, I've been poppin' since Pop Warner
Nigga, I pop up and pop,
Told a nigga, "What's poppin'?" (What's poppin'?)
Yeah, Uzi on my seat (Huh?)
Money on my mind, so I usually overthink
Yeah, I'm runnin' out of time, so I bought another Rollie
Once upon a time, that's the moral of the story
You're a Cookie Monster (Yeah), lookin' at a goblin (Yeah)
Got a pussy popper (Yeah), I call her Mary Poppins (Ooh)
I got a few choppers (Yeah), I like to have my options
If you a goon, nigga, I'm a balloon, nigga
Now who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Bunch of niggas in here lookin' like, "Not me" (Huh?)
Bunch of lookin' ass niggas I do not see (Huh?)
Got my slimes in this bitch and they got me (Yeah)
Bunch of niggas with me lookin' like, "Copy" (Woo)
Bunch of bitches lookin' at me like Papi (Woo)
I say, "Grazie" (Yeah)
Bitch, I'm rollin' like my nigga on Degrassi (Yeah)
Now who gon' pop me?
Who gon' pop me? (Huh?)
Who gon' pop me? (Huh?)
Bunch of niggas in here lookin' like, "Not me"
Bunch of lookin' ass niggas tryna spot me
Who gon' pop me? (Uh)
Now who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Who gon' pop me? (Yeah)
Full tank, I'm on F, 'bout to pop E
Bunch of bitches lookin' at me like I'm Papi
I say, "Aquí"
Ain't gon' roll up, I'ma pop up (Uh)
And get you popped up (Uh)
Ain't no tellin' where your body might pop up
Ain't gon' pull up, I'ma pop up
And get you popped up
But ain't no tellin' where your body might pop up
Who the fuck want war? (Who the fuck want war?)
Who the fuck want war? (Who the fuck want war)
🫠

Strong and confident 2


I first wrote a blog in 2014 called strong and confident part 1 its added bellow to catch up

When it ended it was left with a cliff hanger. I stopped blogging for a couple of years during the abuse. Yeah it started then. Today, August 28, 2022 I re-read that blog and it inspired a part two since I promised it back then.

So I’ve always been strong willed, outspoken, independent, don’t back down female. I have high morals, values, and principles. Old school. Self respect high. Respect for other. And the previous years caused me to forget all that minus the morals values and principles. I know self love. That’s how I raised myself. Self love. I knew I had confidence but my self esteem was still barely none.

It’s been 4 every month in therapy for that and all the rest of the trauma. These last two years took a toll on me. Once again I knew nothing was wrong the me but events taking place looked, portrayer ect as it was all on me. July 15, 2021 my grandpa died something inside me broke. His funeral was on my birthday. 2 weeks later 2 big events happened and I was once again left alone in that dark place from that February when I realized I couldn’t protect my kids. 🫥

August 5 or the weekend of I met.. we just going to say best friend for now. No names. Instantly we grew a bond but I was going thru a break up at the time and didn’t realize the feelings there and I couldn’t explain the bond. A sense of loyalty idk I just remember i kept asking “why?” (At this point I’m deep in trauma fog; hints why I didn’t realize the feelings.) So for a while I was unsure of it all as it grew. He never consciously helped me and it was nothing specific he did especially how rocky and toxic it was. But every step of the way I got better and better even when I was breaking and hurting I just got better. Now I did get very toxic at one point when I watered myself down and forgot who I was and stopped being me. His response to all that helped remind me that I am this crazy, independent, strong willed, outspoken, never back down woman. A summer 2.0 if you will.

It’s not funny anymore I’m not a happy bunny anymore


So since 2019 there has been 3 people that I had feelings for and the last 2 just reminded me of how much I don’t want a relationship. Every guy who enters my life; on god I HAVE and let me repeat have to say “don’t do it to yourself you will catch feelings I won’t and you’ll hurt your own feelings.” And you know what it still doesn’t work. It still happens. Ugh! 😑 I don’t lead anyone one actually if I feel like I might have hinted that I was flirting I correct it before they can respond. I don’t want anyone and I don’t want and don’t need sex so I don’t even entertain that idea other than saying I won’t ever happen.

What irks me is when they try and tell me what’s best for me and try and convince me how much I would enjoy it and them. 

Guy, I’m not even enjoying this conversation because you don’t listen or respect my mind and boundaries.
* Don’t for a second think I hate men. I don’t they are my best friends. I just hate their male egos and their creep/rapey thirst. Ew such a turn off.
If I said something Just know I mean it

I know who I am


See the one thing you can’t do is convince me that I ever been fake and or pretend to be something I’m not.

Since high school is 2004 to be exact I been authentic. I don’t hide who I am. The good and the bad. I know who I am; sadly y’all don’t. Good try tho. A for effort. I was a bitch when we were cool and always stood in my truth& y’all don’t like that. Everyone loves the truth that comes out my mouth until it doesn’t suit them. Then you hate me. How lame.

Literally every reason you like about me is also the reasons y’all hate me. Thats insane if you ask me and I know about insanity. I been there; oh and if you didn’t hear the first time, IM NOT GOING BACK. Also, believing I’m anything close to evil you really don’t know me at all nor listen when I talk.

You would have had to seen me when I was out of control to understand how calm I am now.

But even being a whole psychopath I’m still not evil.

I have never set out with intentions to hurt someone for no reasoning. Anytime i ever flashed out I was provoked until i reacted to stop the pain being done to me. There’s the difference between me and you. Stop calling me a covert narcissist. Nobody is hiding anything.

Yes, psychopath and narcissistic Katie is. But here’s something that also sets us apart

I never wanted to to be that person so I healed that much and made sure of it.

No one needs to see that monster. But don’t get me fucked up, Katie’s not dead, she was just sleeping for a while but giving recent events she’s awake now and I’m in control. She just lays in the shadows waiting to be called out but until needed Katie stays at bay.

I guess I need HAVE to say this before I’m misunderstood. 

I never once insinuated that I was better than anyone. Just different. We not the same. I stay authentic no matter which one of us shows up. I own everything I do and that’s why you can’t shame me about anything I do. That’s what owning your bs doesn’t, makes you shameless. At least I’ve taken every chance to heal I could and thank god I have healed a lot even tho I have some more ways to go.

Hopsin

Dear alcohol Dax


'Cause I've been chasin' the man that I am when I start to drink
He's cocky confident, and he don't give a damn what you think
This world is beatin' me down, and it's pushed me right to brink
I take a shot every time because, man, it helps me escape
I'm takin' care of these people, but no one takes care of me
I want to talk to somebody, but I feel no one relates
I need better now, I think I've lost my way
I'm havin' battles with faith, it's painted right on my face
I hope better times are comin', no chase, but I'm still runnin'
I gotta take control, and I won't stop for nothin'
Dear, God, this is my test, promise that I'll do my best
Just help with this pain I feel, and pressure that is on my chest

Tell ‘em who you got it from 🫡


🫠🦄
Girl, you trippin' and you know it
You think these issues that you got goin' unnoticed
I smell some bullshit tonight, you the culprit
Bitch, I can read your motherfuckin' mind like I wrote it
You swear you the baddest bitch alive (yeah, yeah)
I can see the madness in your eyes (yeah, yeah)
All your pain is packaged in disguise (yeah, yeah)
To your friends you yappin' with the lies, I don't mind
Feels like I don't even know you
Girl, you ain't got no clue what I'd go through for you
There ain't much in this crazy world that I won't do for you
But I don't get the same love in return
It's just a lesson learned, I'll just let it burn, 'cause
I know
I don't need you but you do need me, it shows
And bitch, I know
You just think I'm full of myself and broke
And bitch, I know
Go 'head, just act like I'm dead and you don't know me no mo'
It's okay (okay)
'Cause I know, I know, I know, I know
I see you got some pain
Tell 'em who you got it from
I see you got a name
Tell 'em who you got it from
Show niggas your broken heart and
Tell 'em who you got it from
Tell everyone I did all this
Tell 'em all I'm the one you shouldn't get involved with
I see you got some pain
Tell 'em who you got it from
I see you got a name
Tell 'em who you got it from
Show niggas your broken heart and
Tell 'em who you got it from
Tell everyone I did all this
Tell 'em all I'm the one you shouldn't get involved with
I recall when we first met up
You had convinced me that you had your shit together
Back then all my homies said that you was just a set-up
My mind musta been gone
Damn, my mama taught me better
I just wanted you, baby
I don't know what to do lately
It's like I hate you and you hate me
And all this shit is too crazy for me
You got enough pride for the both of us
You can't apologize, you don't open up
I thought you would bride, would be close enough
I guess inside your mind you weren't old enough
I look at you and think
I know
I don't need you but you do need me, it shows
And bitch, I know
You just think I'm full of myself and broke
And bitch, I know
Go 'head, just act like I'm dead and you don't know me no mo'
It's okay (okay)
'Cause I know, I know, I know, I know
I see you got some pain
Tell 'em who you got it from
I see you got a name
Tell 'em who you got it from
Show niggas your broken heart and
Tell 'em who you got it from
Tell everyone I did all this
Tell 'em all I'm the one you shouldn't get involved with
I see you got some pain
Tell 'em who you got it from
I see you got a name
Tell 'em who you got it from
Show niggas your broken heart and
Tell 'em who you got it from
Tell everyone I did all this
Tell 'em all I'm the one you shouldn't get involved with

Listen carefully


Look
Let me show you behind the scene
Behind the glitz and the glamour and all the lights you see
Behind the rumors on the life I lead
Let me talk to the people like it's the mic in me
The truth is I got really bad anxiety
I'm on the motorway, cryin' in the driver's seat
I don't even know where I'm goin'
I got love, but I don't know how to show it, is this life?
When you feel like givin' up, know you're close
I been sayin' the least and knowin' the most
I've had ups and downs, but the highest of the highs
Never last for as long as the lowest of lows
Survivor's guilt
I feel the worst at my happiest
'Cause I miss all my niggas that couldn't be in this life I built
But that's the type of shit that only I can feel
Gettin' me in a mood
My ex's got ivory skin
Which is funny 'cause it's really the elephant in the room
Is that enough reason to bury me in a tomb?
I fell in love with an Albanian, I know it's mad
We're not together, 'cause her family would hold us back
I saw the red flags, I wouldn't want my child to grow in that
Rum and Red Bull, it's a culture clash (fuckin' hell)
I don't wanna let life tear us apart
I see the Internet gossip and it wears on my heart
I fuck with her, she was there from the start
I'm seein' them laugh at me, cah I'm vulnerable
Ain't that the shit that rappers' supposed to do
I'd rather rap about arguin' with my girl than fuckin' your girl
But I don't mind, because the both are true
Ignorin' my messages, these times I know she on her
Worst part is I wouldn't even do the same
Hate it or love it, you gotta charge it to the game
(Gotta charge it to the)
Heavy is the head, but don't play with my heart
I feel like a footballer when I'm makin' my art
Through ball, how I'm managin' the weight of the past
I felt so much pain that I got favorite scars
And my house got wings like my favorite cars
And the Millie Rock my favorite dance
You can call it what you want it, but I got it off of takin' a chance
I didn't take an advance
Fame comes with a price, you can't pay in advance
For six long years, I've been playin' my part
Like a freak in a circus when they're makin' them dance
I got nights where it's light and I got days where it's dark
And the waters that I swim in, it ain't safe for the sharks
He a gangster, but the stress gonna take him apart
I'm with the niggas that I claimed from the start
I see you niggas changin', they didn't make it
It's a shame it takes fallin' to your death
For a person to appreciate fully the gravity of the situation
But that's just irony at its finest
Black women, I just wanna say I'm sorry
I done a lot of dumb shit, I won't lie to you
I wanna be a voice for you, be a light for you
I know I haven't done enough, I wanna try for you
Wanna be on the frontline for you
Campaign for you, make change for you
I just wanna help in any way
Bein' genuine, I think about it every day
Tour life, travellin' every day
Nerves paralyzing when you get to stage
You feel love for an hour, and then it gets to fade
Imagine what that does to your mental state
Imagine bein' a millionaire at a tender age
You don't even know whether to spend or save
My mum had to grow up fast, she expects the same
I was twenty with a mortgage and rent to pay
So what's happenin'? I got gorillas all around me, allow me
Don't get grabbed in a party or lackin'
You'll die for a wine like Joffrey Baratheon
Pattern 'em
The government ain't gonna help with all the issues that I'm tacklin'
The way you talk about politics is bafflin'
I wouldn't even trust my own shadow in a cabinet
Cabbin' it can't drive no more
I been lookin' for the answers, sure that I'll find 'em
I don't judge an accent but the story behind it
We all know loss, but there's glory behind it
I'ma make a film for my mum
And tell her tale to the world, this album is just the soundtrack
Look at her story in a year in her life
And tell me if it doesn't bring a fuckin' tear to your eyes
In this together
I thought wishin' wouldn't hurt, but take it over
I'm done holdin' at your lies
So knowin' that it weren't for any one thing
You know you love fast and I know you wanna stay
In the clouds, my heads sippin' up
Let the other try, said I don't wanna try
I thought wishin' wouldn't hurt, but take it over
I'm done holdin' at your lies
So knowin' that it weren't for any one thing
"What I've realized
What I realized 'bout who I am
Is that, you're kinda taught
You're taught to die for what you stand for, you feel me?
But I realize I'm here to live for what I stand for
'Cause I wanna see it, bro, I wanna enjoy it, bro
I wanna see what I feel, like I am, you know what I'm sayin'?
Out there, while I'm here, and that's that, bro
But, yeah, link up soon my guy, you know how it is
Hustle o'clock bruv
Shine on 'em"

Hey. yeah you..


I hope you heal and find yourself and become who yours supposed to be. I guess I will always love you but our connection is not enough for me. Not after all you did and didn’t do. I’m still whole even without you. My hearts not broken. And I don’t need anything from you. If anything it would be a good idea to heal and forget us. But you probably won’t and live in regret. I’m not being cocky when I say this 🐱 you should have just listened to me. Pride and ego isn’t worth what you lost.

Sorry not sorry

Don’t lie to yourself. Maybe try amends. I don’t need closure because to be fair I’m closing the book. Well my book. We were never on the same page because we were both in different books.

We could have been a big deal making big moves but you don’t see reality as it is and now won’t ever know what you missed out on because to be fair you never really knew what you had jaxass🥴😒

Ww3 entry 111


It’s been 4 years since the beginning of this war. It’s still just me and my an ancestors. No reinforcements or support. It’s okay tho. I’m more than surviving. I’m tired. Not sleepy or even soul tired. Bored. Kinda wondering how long they will continue.

How long will it take you to realize that your wasting your time? Aren’t y’all tired? I know I would be tired, fed up and done after 4 years and the target hasn’t been hit. I mean got to run out of ideas at some point. They know they can’t kill me, they’ve tried more than once. Next was my psyche. Well my friends, I must tell you that y’all haven’t touched that either.

I wasn’t alive for the Cold War but if I could imagine this would be a Cold War. Only thing is that a whole army is going against a single person with a powerful gift of protection.

🤡🥴😂
Read More »

Awareness, acceptance, healing


So just to start; everyone know who Katie is right?

No? for short, she’s my alter ego, alter personality depending on the severity of the situation. Nobody but Ben, Adele and Pop and a hand full of friends in Houston have witnessed me as Katie in “an abusive” way.

Therefor anyone else who thinks they seen Katie, please pussy. Pull up ya panties and shut up because a glimpse of her was me controlling myself. 8 years ago i couldnt say that was possible, because before the kids were born I had no control of the psychopath that is Katie, *clears throat* me. Yeah, I own my shit but what you not going to do is say I’m lying when I say reformed. Yes I say reformed because in 2016 I healed a big part of my that created Katie.

Katie incase you needed reference

Anyways back to my point, see all I’ve done not only this blog but since 2008 (actually) when my battle with bipolar started is be self aware and accept the facts and/truths about given diagnoses and or situations. If your on team Ben (for whatever devils reason that may be) you may have heard horrific stories about me. I’m pretty sure cause I can tell you a couple of them that I remember and wasn’t blacked out seeing red.

Ya see in the beginning of the horrible decade I was with that person. I will not call him a man and is lucky I said person. Anyways.. “basket case” maniac, psycho, Yepp; that all described me to the T BACK THEN. Also, not one single time Katie took over was she out to cause pain and or harm to someone that wasn’t provoking her and or abusing me. It’s called reactive abuse.

I was raised by 4 narcissist since childhood. Ben was the one to manifest her after 20 years

I don’t pretend to be an angel; I really am one🫢😜 there’s different types ya know? Ima leave warrior right here and let you do your own thing about learning more. Anyways, I earned my 5 psyche-ward stays every single one. Katie is that powerful but also makes me turn on my self and self destruct no matter what the situation was. A whole beast who was uncontrollable and too strong to subdue. Ben was smart. He would trigger Katie and then either 1 try and play dead like a possum or get up and call his people and my people and leave. For being a fucking moron that’s the smartest thing for him to have done tbh.

So awareness ✅ that’s how I started my healing journey. Also every time I got admitted to any form of hospital I took from it knowledge to be able to be a better person than what I was. Acceptance. YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT WHATS WRONG WITH YOU IN ORDER TO HEAL OR you will live in denial and stay sick.

You know how they say narcissist CANT heal. That’s untrue. They CAN because I healed Katie. But I also had a life mission not to be like that so I corrected it and healed. See I can accept Katie being a full blown narcissist formed from childhood to protect me from the abuse I endured it just took Ben’s abuse to make he come alive like that.

In 2013 I had my first child and second in 2015 and I made it a big point that my kids never see Katie. Why? Because I couldn’t say in that state of mind I could be in control enough to say they were off limits so when I went to rehab the first time I healed ALLLL KINDS OF CHILDHOOD TRAUMA and forgave myself. Doing all that healed Katie to the point she was hibernating for years. Even 2018 my year in hell she was sleep. Never manifested and up until last August was I scared of letting her out again because she’s new and improved and I didn’t think I could control her.

Dave

After enduring some of the worse mental abuse 2020-2021 I thank a certain asshole for introducing me to Dave because this song is too perfect.

Btw the whole time I been scared I couldn’t control Katie I in hindsight have been the entire time because I been holding her back. With that being said; I’m not in this world to cause pain and or harm anyone. Not even the ones who’ve harmed me but best believe I have had enough of everything and I will protect myself to the highest degree possible. So for the ones trying to provoke the monster in my careful what you wish for cause no one not even me knows what this version of Katie is about. 🫡 Stay safe.

Clearing the air🫡🦹‍♀️


Let me make this clear for anyone who Ben has told I’m keeping him from the kids. 1 he tried killing me and molested my daughter and got away with it. A life time restraining order and him blatantly not giving a fuck about the kids had him gone and leaving us alone since 2019.

November 2020 MY FAMILY Took my custody FOR NO REAL REASON. Lies and something fishy with the lawyer situation BEN WAS REWARDED supervised visitation getting to break to restraining order to do so. (Yeah Justin system is great) 🫥 oh and family right?

As I aspected he did not fulfill his reward. Didn’t show up the first one and then some here and there but stopped.

He rightfully lost his rights to his kids. And doesn’t deserve them. He never cared about them. I raised these kids even when he was here. And keeping it 100 if he ever got my kids I would never see them again JUST TO HURT ME.

I don’t bash him. I’m not a baby mama. My kids know HE IS TOO SICK AND HE IS GOING TO HURT YALL LIKE HE DID MAMA. Because they witnessed everything and he’s already proven so.

@triggeredbytruth @triggeredbytruth

Such a Klusterfuck 🥱🫡


Let me start with I don’t say things in order to gain pity EVER. It’s always so you can understand why I am the way I am and just straight up awareness.

Okay so point of the blog, let me start that authenticity. Not many people have that. I do. That the point where me and others don’t mesh. While I’m authentic I demand authenticity as well. When I say I’m authentic I don’t just mean Im real; I mean no matter who what when where and why I show up as me. Me all put together or me a spicy disaster. However I’m me BUT there’s also Katie who runs the show at times. Still me tho. A part of me. I have never hidden Katie. I just healed a part of me that put her to sleep. She’s not dead. She’s actually awake now new and improved.

Some days I barely have bright energy for other people cause I’m working on handling just me. Ptsd is an animal if it’s own that I can’t control. I’m not friendly, but I’m a great friend. I speak the truth no matter what and you couldn’t pay me to give a fuck. God never equipped me for that.

BUTTTTT, I’ll listen to you when your going thru something. I genuinely care. I’ve always been the anomaly and will never fit it. Never have and I don’t want to plus, couldn’t if I tried. People who know me never doubt me. I’m misunderstood even by the ones who know me.

I have trauma. I’ve been betrayed by the closest in my life. The ones who should have been there for me and love and support Me. I’m guarded. If I come off rude it’s because I’m not interested at all. I’m nice not sweet never sweet. If you want to call me sweet call me swisha sweet. I don’t play. Ever. I say what I mean and mean what I say.

I’m animated and dramatic but I never exaggerate. I don’t trust. I never been part “of a pack” of friends I feel safer alone. I’m sarcastic at fault and make jokes in situations where I shouldn’t.

My point is no matter which version of me you experience that’s who I am. I’m not fake and very self aware. So sorry not sorry if you believe me and think im fake. That’s not my business anyway

That’s the things about a real one. Even after the betrayal they remain real.

No disrespect


I don’t mean any disrespect when someone says “I know how you feel” or “ I feel that” and my response is “no you don’t.”

I’m sorry I’m not sorry but you could never EMPATHIZE with a “army” of people doing everything to I assume take me down. You could never feel one of your 4 best friends betray you to the point of electrocution. I still can’t wrap my head around it. Reasoning? Still unknown. For no reason on my part. No disagreement ect nothing.

You’ll never know what it feels like for that to happen realize you died and came back to life and still get lied to about what happened.

No you don’t know what it’s like to not trust anything but yourself. You don’t know what it’s like going thru hell screaming for help and have no one respond. While a friend is going thru a similar situation and getting support out the ass.

Have you ever been held hostage by someone so evil he wanted to keep you from everyone including your family? Do you know what it’s like to get abandoned by everyone but 3 people in your life? And have them 3 people die too early for you.

Sorry not sorry you can’t imagine my pain. The pain that doesn’t hurt no more cause your so used to it and it’s so intense. I could write produce and direct a movie and MAYBE then you could fathom the idea of what I’m speaking of.

Betrayal, privacy violations on all degrees, targeted, alienated, abandoned, gaslight for years.

I appreciate your sentiments I really do. I don’t wish my pain on anyone else. Even the ones who caused it. I know people think I’m losing my mind cause I’ve always been crazy, but it’s not like they think. I’m surviving each day as they come. Yes I’m totally fucked up. But I’m aware of my reality.

Woah


Struggling with faith
Strugglin', I'm tryna find my way
Fightin', I'm havin' battles with faith
They criticize me and speak on my name
But perfect's somethin' that I'll never be
Yeah
I remember days back as a kid
They was hatin', sayin' I was never gonna be nothin' dope (pow)
They was sayin' I was never gonna make it
They would try to put me in a headlock, had me by the throat (never)
They would say I was a little boy, snot-nose
Wrong path, I was dodgin' all the potholes
Syndrome they diagnosed called Stockholm
Goin' through hеll, was walkin' on the hot coals
Mama said I was a special case
And dеmons talk to those we cannot replace
That the world was a hell and test of faith
To crown those who would walk to the heavens gates
So I'd sit and wait
Face to face with those who would try to break my mental state
Then take all the hurt and pain and paint barbells I'd use
Just to shoulder weight now my strength
Got the people askin', like, "Who's stoppin' him?
We ain't never seen a nigga this poppin'
Without that garbage that be brainwashin' 'em"
So every time I get a chance, I'm bombin' the verbal vomit
Is tick-tick-tockin' 'em into a coffin
Your 15 seconds is up, be Giannis
The bucks you chase couldn't chip my commas
I digest greats and I paid my homage (yeah)
Fuck cheese, what I'm spittin' is nachos
Niggas didn't believe I was spittin' the gospel
Now they gotta receive, take a swig of the hot sauce
Bow and get on they knees 'cause these verses Picasso
I won't fold, yes, I got my soul
Every bar I throw is a strike, I bowl
They won't pin me, no, I won't spare or go
Down the path they chose, I'ma bring them home
Strugglin', I'm tryna find my way
Fightin', I'm havin' battles with faith
They criticize me and speak on my name
But perfect's somethin' that I'll never be
Strugglin', I'm tryna find my way (find a way)
Fightin', I'm havin' battles with faith (havin' battles with faith)
They criticize me and speak on my name (let me speak on my name)
But perfect's somethin' that I'll never be
Now I'm a veteran, uh
They didn't know they was fuckin' 'round wit' a specimen
Many men tried to get me, but my adrenaline
Came in so heavy that I was able to take on ten of them
Every battle was won, I made them irrelevant
The screams loud, the cries of men deafenin'
I told 'em all I was sorry and that I'm heaven-sent
But if I gotta kill 'em, then fuck it, I'll go to hell again
Now I'm straight drivin' it, uh (skrrt)
I see demons pull up outside
To the left and the right, tryna get up inside
So I gas every beat and let 'em know what I'm vibin' with
Don't give me that paper, I'm not signin' it
I see the evil, you niggas ain't disguisin' it
I'm sick wit' it, not talkin' about sinuses
If they wanna puppet, I'm throwin' a peace sign to it
Ate the hate, then put it the game in reverse
Built a base, engaged and through the flames I emerged (go)
Grabbed the gates of hell to close then turned
To the devil's face, and said we are adjourned
Every cell and each and every single nerve
In my body jumped as I began to purge
Then I hit the bend and sped around the curve
To the sign that said, "Return back up to earth"
Now they haunt me, can't get up off me
Wakin' the people up like some c-c-c-coffee
Devil knows what I'm doing so he tryin' to stop me
Braking the chains of mental slaves
On the path less chose, went against the grain
Everybody fuckin' knows Dax the next to reign
Anybody who oppose burns then heats the flame
Throws and seeks the sheep, then begin to change
Strugglin', I'm tryna find my way
Fightin', I'm havin' battles with faith
They criticize me and speak on my name
But perfect's somethin' that I'll never be
Strugglin', I'm tryna find my way (find a way)
Fightin', I'm havin' battles with faith (I'm havin' battles with faith)
They criticize me and speak on my name (let me speak on my name)
But perfect's somethin' that I'll never be

Triggered


 shoudn't take things so serious
I don't think they mean any harm
But it would sicken you too
If it happened to you
And you had to relive every part
Here come the flashbacks
And the panic attacks
How long does that shit last
I'm losing myself by the day see
And I know you all think that I'm crazy
That the demons that show up
At the foot of my bed
Are just figments from memories
That fucked up my head
That night terrors ain't nothin
But a real bad dream
So quit being a God Damn drama queen
I seal myself in a sound proof room
So no one can hear how loud I scream
But you don't think it's as bad as it seems
Cause you've never dealt with PTSD
Frozen in your track
Take a visit to the past
To see the devils dirty deed
Leave a mark all down your back
I can't even be around cigarettes
You know how many people smoke?
Approximately one billion
And just about everybody I know
You think you know but you don't
When someone's broke you can't just heavy sigh
And roll your eyes
Like if they ain't physically ill
Then they must be a liar
But wouldn't you recede to the fire
If everything around you became a threat
And everyone surrounding you said
GET OVER IT
It becomes unbearable to live in
So listen
Triggers are relentless
They ain't gonna quit
They don't go away just cause you don't
Believe it
Reliving each nightmare on an everyday basis
I don't think I can do this
I don't think I can take this
Frozen in your tracks
Take a visit to the past
To see the devils dirty deed
Leave a mark all down your back
Frozen in your tracks
Take a visit to the past
To see the devils dirty deed
Leave a mark all down your back
You sent my mind on fire
Sparks flying I'm rewired
You left me no desire
Broken and uninspired
I feel you all conspire
Left all alone with liars
Hopeless so I get higher
And higher till I'm tired
And there's no reminder
Of what I'm crying for
Cause I can't fucking do this anymore
Frozen in your tracks
Take a visit to the past
Repay the devils dirty deed
With a gash all down his back
You set my mind on fire
Sparks flying I'm rewired
You left me no desire
Broken and uninspired
Hopeless so I get higher
And higher till I'm tired
And there is no reminder
Of what I'm crying for
I can't do this anymore
What am I even fighting for?

Inside the mind of a psycho


I used to be insane and I’m not going back

Ben’s insanity made me sane.

“I sobered up by paying attention”

-Kevin Gates Super General

This is more or less a continuation of https://nobodyisalone111.wordpress.com/2019/11/10/i-went-to-war-with-the-devil-and-came-out-with-wings/

My year in hell

When I wrote that blog everything was still fresh and I had a panic attack writing it but what I didn’t do is give details on what happened what he did.


Well I got the knowledge son.

Now in 2022 and new information I have a good picture of the past and how it played out. Now excuse me while I sound insane, delusional and paranoid. That’s by design. I know patterns. I know that demon better than he knows himself. He barely knew me. But he knew how to mind fuck me.

Let me back it up to the beginning first. 2011 we met and I was in the midst of my bipolar not stable and/medicated. And when I was medicated it was consistent. I was the psychopath (well still am just reformed) I was the physically abusive. But let me add that I never acting in such a way to cause pain it was always a reaction to stop whatever pain was being done. He may have never touched me til the end.

When I had my kids I decided I never wanted them to see the monster I can become and I got stable on my meds and that never happened. I also did some MAJOR healing work in 2016 that healed a lot of my anger.

Been there never going back

-me

Anyways back to my original point. Not only is he a psychopathic malignant narcissist but a con artist and fraud. A coward. And a demon. (I don’t say that lightly)

See y’all are just like him. Whether y’all believe his side of the story or just jumped on the bandwagon makes me no difference but something I learned is I handle my trauma so well that I make my abusers look good;unintentionally. And I need to stop that.

Not only did he plan and set out for my demise but he’s arrogant and underestimates me every-time. My biggest mistake was always telling him how I would catch him lying because he would just get better at hiding it. But I still would always catch him. It may have taken some time this time but caught ya lies once again. It’s disturbing. Offensive. Sick. Sad. And

Heart attack 💛


Knife crime is at a near record high
With more than forty blade offenses every day in London"
"At a youth club in South London
Not far from where someone was stabbed
Less that twenty-four hours ago
He outlined a direct link between violent crimes
Social exclusion and austerity"
"A study by City Hall found that London
Has seen an increase of 71%
In victims of serious youth violence since 2012
The Mayor says this is linked to an increase in poverty
And the highest rates of violence take place in some of the poorest boroughs"
Look, I bet them boys think I'm panickin'
Check what my young Gs are carrying
His blade same length as a javelin
I don't know about B-ball, what's happenin'
But know that it's fucked if he's travellin' and we see him
I can't lie, I was depressed at phases
I was nineteen when the team nearly left him faceless
Hopin' that we never left no traces
You know when you're so damn tired in your house
But you can't sleep 'cause you got pendin' cases
I used to love temptin' fate, but now it's temptin' faces
For half my career I was part of that
My best friend got a burner, and it's lookin' like an artifact
Put it in your puffer or your Prada hat
Like fuck panic, that's a heart attack
Yeah, it's like, life so fucked in the time that we're in
We're fightin' the world, and we're fightin' within
Somali dad ran away from a war
Now his son's in a war, that's the cycle we're in
I know niggas that didn't do time in a bin
That have never had freedom of mind, are you sick?
'Round here main way to provide for your kin
Is in a flick blade, little push bike and a SIM
In London a place where it's nicer to live
Is only five minutes out from the guys on the strip
Where man make ye' work, heard he's a soldier
I know that nigga hasn't got balls like Grey Worm
As I grow older, change of perspective
I gotta stay loyal to my girl, that's the trait she was blessed with
Restaurants, raves with my bredrins
Life's too short, so we gotta turn up
Man talk on my ting for the 'Gram, it's intrusive
I never really thought 'bout taking a life
'Til I found out my ex-girl's dad is abusive
I felt "How could I be man and not do shit?"
I'm on the way there now, and I don't wanna lose it
But fightin' her battle's only hurtin' the girl
How can I protect her from the world
When I couldn't even protect her from myself?
On my grandmother's grave, shit happens again
I put a knife through a family friend
Most the women that I know had shit happen to them
So innocent 'til guilty, ain't somethin' I have to respect
I think back to my youth and I was so ungrateful
How many of our parents had dreams
They abandoned so they could put food on the table?
Intelligent, worthy and able, that's somebody's parent
You know?
And that affected the way that I see shit
Night club toilet, you peed on the seat
'Cause you don't know how it feels when your mom's gotta clean shit
And her boss treats her like she don't even mean shit
And she gotta wait for the bus in the rain and it's freezin'
And Mrs. said that you would never be shit
And you don't wanna cry about dad, but you need him
I grew up so fucked, but I didn't even deep it
I'm numb to the feelin' of grievin'
And man gettin' birded
African moms on the floor, just screamin'
It's mad cah I try so hard
Death's got to be easy, cah life's so hard
I was twelve wishin' that I was a white man, hard
Cah if I was then they probably wouldn't life mans dargs
I was dead broke, fam, I couldn't swipe mans card
And time might pass, but I still gotta stay with it
It wasn't his beef, but I see him try claimin' it
That's why he caught a bullet with another man's name on it
Now he can't do leg day or put strain on it
Every time you hear me freestyle, I put pain in it
I used to wonder "Does God have favorites?"
Touch me, it's dangerous, I wouldn't play with it
'Cause you can go sleep, and have a different type of wake for it
I miss my dawgs, unstable
You violate Chris? Then rah, turn Chris Benoit
Have him hit from far, nah
Fill 'em up with bricks and glass, nah
My young Gs will grip, then blast
Have you tried in the street? Fuck findin' my feet
I could ride, but it's better when I'm ridin a beat
My emotions are peak, it ain't a sign of defeat or the weak
I would've- you, then cried in my sleep
Dropped just two racks and told them "Buy the machine"
I'm LeBron in Miami, I provide for the heat
God strike me if I'm lyin', I ain't cryin' in this beef
Unless the tears comin' tatted on the side of my cheek
I provide for my peeps, the Lamb' white in the seat
So I'm literally a wolf disguised in a sheep
You have five figure dreams, I have five figure sleep
Five hours more than enough time that I need
Man want a fair fight, but I ain't on it when I see him
Fuck honor, this revolver is onomatopoeic
Let it "Stut-tut-tut-tut-tut-tut-ter" when you see him
Free Scalez, Free C and free my niggas 'til I see 'em
I wouldn't wanna be him
My old Gs roamin', I don't need a coliseum
You see it?
So I'm playin' it good, let hood politics stay in the hood
Fuck the internet, you see this new generation
The Insta beefin' and I ain't into speakin'
When I duck down
I had him runnin' in a lift like he missed a meetin'
There's no good reason to risk your freedom
The yutes dem snitch and them bitches sneakin'
She don't wanna talk 'bout friendships
She just wanna deal with the pipe like I'm fixin' leakin'
And sleep with a legend like Chrissy Teigen
Where I'm from the word "Life" has a different meanin'
Man smile in your face, but them niggas schemin'
Try involve me in a flakey dealin'
Sistine Chapel, I'ma paint the ceilin'
I been violated and I hate the feelin'
That's why nowadays man hates the preachin'
We smile in the visit, cah we ain't defeated
The Supreme Court's where my mates appealin'
I can't breed that girl, that's torture
South London, it's just slags on the corner
And influencers tryna bag them a baller
She a gold-digger, I can tell from her aura
Her socials say princess, she a pauper
When it's time for it, need more for my daughter
Call me a talker, but man are gettin' lined like lambs in the slaughter
It's life-threatening and I can tell from the borer
Cut through a nigga like a knife though flora
Feds got the guys on a case and they stalk us
It's a conspiracy like tinfoil hats and a new world order
Touch me, you better have a life insurer
Blood thirsty, I got sharks in the water
And trust me, I know a killer whale, no orca
Have you ever seen a nightmare brought to life?
Where I'm from, you get cheffed on a normal night
Men talk on my name, but it's porkie pies
I really put it in a prick like a porcupine
Little bro wanna save for a .45
Go board a flight, there's more to life
Yutes on the M6 all the time
We don't need TFL for a northern line
All the best politicians been taught to lie
Where do they buy cocaine when they're snorting white?
Are their dealers safe or on the borderline?
It's ironic, cah we don't where to draw the line
Man see Blue Story, they're mortified
Man see Scarface and it's glorified
'Cause when you're black, everything gets scrutinized
That's why they call it "Urban", it gets euphemized
South London, man are gettin' euthanized
I see a yutes demise, I wasn't too surprised
He got soaked but his right hand scuba dived
Don't die by a sword that you used to shine
You can drown for your king, you don't know about Ophelia
Cah we got iron, I don't know about anaemia
I took the hard road, we don't know 'bout the easier
One bag of whores and drug paraphernalia
When ends got sticky, had a flicky with Emelia, I mean Olivia
This ain't Libya, this ain't Syria
You act sillier, we let it seep in your skin like Nivea
Who wants to be a millionaire? I won it
Never done a gameshow or trivia
I done Wandsworth, Erlestoke visitor
I done Springhill, Grendon, Swinfen, Whitemoor, Swaleside, Brixton visitor
I done M-way trips, done shit that I wished I never did
Becah I could have been a prisoner
Is this the shit that appeals to the listeners?
Road ain't no amazing life
The ends full of snakes and jails, just a waste of time
I tell my young Gs "Take your time"
Fuck Jazz, you can really see a major nine
Yo, I'm so ashamed of how I used to get figures
Man sell you a dream like the road tings lit
And then they leave out the parts where you're burying your niggas
Or in jail, wonderin' who's puttin' dick inside your Mrs
I'm so fuckin' determined
I was in intensive care when I was born, mummy fell down the stairs
Whether I was gonna live or not was somethin' uncertain
I used the word "Fell", with the commas inverted
You see, growin' up I had it far from perfect
But nobody did, so I'm a normal person
I gotta be grateful, we all have demons and all see angels
Or maybe it's me
A black yutes more than a face on a screen
A number on a laptop or name on a sheet
We got stories to tell and got places to be
From my heart, that's the makin' of me
I was selling look, I was selling tomatoes
I sat on my two hands
I struggled 'cause I didn't want to suffer again
I just wanted, it just make me so upset
I went to Hannover, they sent me back
I tried so much, we have no say it here
I was in detention camps for months at the end, I didn't give up
I was not even twenty when I left Africa
I was determined to survive
I was determined to succeed
I didn't have anybody, nobody was ready to help me
Even when you were born
You were six weeks old, this one is not even Africa, it's this nation
I was on the streets for three years
I have three babies in my hand
Nobody let me in, nobody in this nation
I couldn't pay my rent, deported gangsters carried
I didn't give up, I carried my babies everywhere
And now this is happening
Pay me back for all those pain that I go through
Everyday, I'm in pain, I'm in pain
You see what he's doing to me
You want to kill me, you want to kill me
Read More »

You know the world we live in straight wicked


Have a nice day sauve, ima different breed ima wolf okay?

Need of the shit they say, I’m permanently amazed
No surrender no retreat that’s how we play it I promise I won’t back down until I’m dead. Where the love at? Guess they don’t love back. sadly mistaken; I never was that. -Gates

You can cover your scars with diamond but they still gone hurt.

God you take what litter heart I have, I don’t want to love nobody. 🖤

ayahuasca🎶


Too much negativity, I need cleansing
Everybody want tea
I want this tea though, you feel me?
Iso learned that my old hurting is no further
Than dros lurking the gold currants
The drill surgeon that hole burning
It's so certain but won't flourish there's no currents
To throw verses I've shown Earth that I'm overt
When I go merk 'til they close curtains
So those words mean I'm on verge of a lone purge
But my sole purpose is soul searching
The globe turning and while I smoke herb and
I can feel it slow it up a bit it's so perfect
Take another sip of the brew
Then I get in tune with the universe
And I'm just letting go of the old dirt, dig?
And plant new seeds to grow earth with
The brain to see I'm more worth with
First it's traversing through the worst thing
Bursting to a birth of a new person
So who's working on they self and shit
For the world I mean, not no selfish shit
What you focused on? Choose the devil pin
Negativity, who's compelled to this?
Who the hell can use some help 'cause soon you felt consumed, compelled to shoot yourself, I mean?
Use the belt to pull your health up to the shelf to dress you good and suit yourself I mean
What's the future hold I can tell it
Fuck it mask off on a psychedelic
Through desire borders homie I'm propelling
Royal rituals of a rhyming relic
I embellish legaci